Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-1 record, No. 3 ranking last week)
If you’re under the age of 36 or so, you might not be aware that there was a time when all of Monday was spent sharing clips of “Saturday Night Live.” It’s a television show. Here was a sketch they did that involved Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce. Also, my back hurts.
2. Miami Dolphins (5-1, No. 4)
When you took exactly the right amount of drugs to write the song but then too many drugs (or not enough drugs?) to be able to play the guitar.
3. Detroit Lions (5-1, No. 5)
I feel like we’re about to hit the part of the story where “what a nice, pleasant story of a plucky underdog” turns into “oh right, their fans are just as insufferable as everyone else and I hope they lose every game by 50,” obviously starting immediately.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (5-1, No. 1)
Look man, I think Jalen Hurts will be fine but funny is funny.
5. San Francisco 49ers (5-1, No. 2)
Original Journey lead singer Gregg Rolie thinks this might be a “frontman isn’t as good as the rest of the band” situation.
6. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 6)
The last time a team won a prime-time game after being shut out for the first three quarters, the No. 1 song in America was “No One” by Alicia Keys, the No. 1 movie was “Enchanted,” Bills running back James Cook was still nearly two years from being born and if I had to guess, I was probably passed out naked on the floor of an apartment in Tempe, Ariz., that may or may not have been my own.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2, No. 7)
So maybe it’s not the end of the world if you don’t have a bye the week after a trip to London? Asking for a … all of us.
8. Baltimore Ravens (4-2, No. 8)
When your wife says, “It’s October, I’m OK with having chili again tonight.”
9. Dallas Cowboys (4-2, No. 12)
When your mom made you go to a church on a Saturday night, so your dad snuck in a radio to hear Marquis Grissom misplay a Brady Anderson fly ball in the ninth inning of Game 3 of the 1997 ALCS.
10. Cincinnati Bengals (3-3, No. 13)
My favorite song of 2023 is Ian Eagle pronouncing “Iosivas.”
11. Seattle Seahawks (3-2, No. 9)
It was really a mixed bag for the folks in the Pacific Northwest this weekend. The Seahawks lost, Washington won a thriller against Oregon to stay unbeaten and also a man stood in the middle of campus and screamed “Penis” like he was a ninth-grader with a substitute teacher.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2, No. 10)
When you were part of the professional wrestling faction “D-Generation X” and you came home to report about your day at work.
13. Houston Texans (3-3, No. 18)
As I dismiss the Lions as my “likable, plucky underdog team that’s easy to root for,” I accept the Texans into my heart right until, inevitably, their fan base too ends up making me hate them.
14. Los Angeles Chargers (2-3, No. 11)
When you realize that the national TV games next week are like, actually good.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2, No. 15)
Remember, we’re doing “random celebrities” for bye weeks this week. Like, if you spent a bye week in Pittsburgh you could have spent time with model/actress/Mrs. Howard Stern Beth Ostrosky, “RuPaul’s Drag Race” Season 4 winner Sharon Needles or even Shirley Patridge herself, Shirley Jones.
16. Cleveland Browns (3-2, No. 20)
The San Francisco 49ers in 2023 The Republican Party in 2022
🤝
Losing because of Walker
17. Los Angeles Rams (3-3, No. 19)
Felt.
18. New York Jets (3-3, No. 25)
They have wins against the Bills and Eagles, and Aaron Rodgers is going to play football again.
Which is honestly the perfect setup for the Jetsiest thing to ever Jets before the year is over.
19. New Orleans Saints (3-3, No. 14)
It strikes me that everyone is .500 and it’s nearly impossible to have any takes about them and that my uncle definitely thinks that this is the America that Pete Buttigieg wants.
20. Las Vegas Raiders (3-3, No. 22)
It’s like, I want to say they’re kinda interesting because Maxx Crosby is good but, I know better. Mobile internet devices think they’re mid.
21. Washington Commanders (3-3, No. 24)
And them? Like, am I really supposed to share a thought about the Washington Commanders? They might be able to win next week, too! But they could also screw that up because they’re the Commanders. Please subscribe to my Patreon.
22. Atlanta Falcons (3-3, No. 16)
Shoutout to Calais Campbell though. A real one.
23. Green Bay Packers (2-3, No. 23)
If you had a bye week in Green Bay, you could eat cheese curds with “SportsCenter” anchor John Anderson, wear shades with Timbuk 3 frontman Pat MacDonald or do … whatever else it is that they do in Green Bay with two-time MLB All-Star relief pitcher Bob Wickman.
24. Indianapolis Colts (3-3, No. 17)
The good news for the Colts is that because they lost in Florida, no one probably even noticed since they were all too busy … getting into physical altercations with their 103-year-old grandmother because she’s “always waking him [up] early.”
25. Tennessee Titans (2-4, No. 21)
I refuse to believe Will Levis is this bad. Refuse to.
26. Minnesota Vikings (2-4, No. 27)
Yes, they beat the Bears. But Are You Ready for what’s to come?
(It’s the 49ers on “Monday Night Football.” And they’re listening to Creed too.)
27. Arizona Cardinals (1-5, No. 26)
Or when I used a friggin’ claim to pick him up.
28. New York Giants (1-5, No. 30)
Pretty good weekend. They almost won a game!
29. New England Patriots (1-5, No. 29)
I mean, I know Dan Snyder is gone but it still seems like Belichick will end up in Washington, right?
30. Chicago Bears (1-5, No. 28)
Look man, we’re not going to talk about the Bears. But if you’d like, we can talk about Red Velvet Bagel Bombs.
The Red Velvet Philly Bagel Bomb features a warm, “mini bomb”-sized stuffed bagel ball featuring a lightly-sweetened core Philadelphia cream cheese core with chocolate, surrounded by red velvet bagel dough.
31. Denver Broncos (1-5, No. 31)
I would rather talk about Will and Jada than the Denver Broncos.
32. Carolina Panthers (0-6, No. 32)
Hi. The Dolphins were live 3.5-point dogs on SuperBook when they went down 14 to Carolina and I would like to know who at PressBox I can press charges against for having to host Project Gameday at this exact moment. As everyone knows, you can use the code GlennClark23 to receive up to $250 in a same day first bet match, win or lose and if you don’t have to host Project Gameday, you’ll never have to worry about that. Just casual observations. Nothing forced.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox