Here are my power rankings for Week 13 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (10-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
We’re doing another theme this week. The theme is, “What should they ask Santa for this year?”
For example, for the world to enjoy their success as much as their quarterback does.
2. Dallas Cowboys (8-3, No. 3)
To never have to play another good team again.
3. Baltimore Ravens (9-3, No. 4)
Like 12 more people to work in the replay booth.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (8-3, No. 5)
For there to be some sort of incentives that he might hit that would make the Panthers want to release Adam Thielen.
5. San Francisco 49ers (8-3, No. 6)
No close games in the fourth quarter?
6. Miami Dolphins (8-3, No. 7)
Same as the Cowboys.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-3, No. 9)
More snaps against Tavierre Thomas.
8. Detroit Lions (8-3, No. 2)
Maybe to just stop playing home games on Thanksgiving forever?
9. Denver Broncos (6-5, No. 13)
A way to go back in time and hire Sean Payton one year earlier.
10. Cleveland Browns (7-4, No. 8)
To stay in it long enough to be able to turn things over to January Joe.
11. Houston Texans (6-5, No. 10)
The same thing as the majority of the nation’s high school boys. Just another inch or two.
12. Buffalo Bills (6-6, No. 11)
A way to block out all of the noise.
Not figuratively.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-4, No. 14)
Some more loyal fans.
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-5, No. 19)
For their former governor (Mike Pence) to have the courage to do what’s right for the country and stop the count so they can make the postseason.
And for their owner to just, like, stop. Eternally.
15. Seattle Seahawks (6-5, No. 12)
For someone who has the time to go through and delete any tweets they might have liked about Geno Smith being an upgrade over Russell Wilson during the last 16 months.
16. Green Bay Packers (5-6, No. 22)
For a couple more weeks to the season to (perhaps inevitably?) overtake the Lions.
17. Los Angeles Rams (5-6, No. 21)
For all of the dudes who matter to stay healthy for a change.
18. Minnesota Vikings (6-6, No. 15)
For the perfect “I’m sorry” greeting card to be able to send to all of their friends and loved ones who had to watch that sh*t.
19. Cincinnati Bengals (5-6, No. 16)
A way to just skip ahead to next year already.
20. Atlanta Falcons (5-6, No. 24)
For the football team to be as good as the halftime shows.
21. New Orleans Saints (5-6, No. 17)
For a quarterback who is as good at football as Jameis Winston is at not football.
22. Los Angeles Chargers (4-7, No. 18)
Among other things, to be able to yell out “do-over!” quite loudly.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (5-7, No. 20)
To stop getting big leads against the Chiefs.
24. Tennessee Titans (4-7, No. 26)
To be moved to the NFC South.
25. New York Giants (4-8, No. 27)
Enough vodka parms to last until they have a real quarterback again.
26. Chicago Bears (4-8, No. 31)
For that defense to last until the games matter again.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7, No. 23)
For everyone in Florida to continue being too busy throwing Oreos at their wife during disputes about coffee makers to even be able to notice.
28. New York Jets (4-7, No. 25)
To always remember that, contrary to what you think you know, it absolutely CAN get worse.
29. Washington Commanders (4-8, No. 28)
For all of this to get fixed just as soon as Dan Snyder gets out of the pictu…
30. Arizona Cardinals (2-10, No. 29)
I dunno man, like some socks and underwear or something?
31. New England Patriots (2-9, No. 30)
For the Bears and the Cardinals to be blindly committed to their current quarterbacks.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-10, No. 32)
More fall guys.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox