So as it turns out, everyone was wrong about the Ravens. About everything. Lamar Jackson was the greatest late-first-round pick of all time. Not being able to find a wide receiver forever worked out perfectly. The mustard pants were actually good looking and we just weren’t ready to have that adult conversation yet. Everything.
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-2, No. 2)
If only you had spent the bye week in the Pacific Northwest, you could have had some tasty Shiso Geoduck at Taylor Shellfish Farms. What’s geoduck, you ask? Whatever the hell this monstrosity is.
(Also apparently in Seattle they put cream cheese on hot dogs because … maybe they want to be traded to Canada or something?)
3. San Francisco 49ers (9-1, No. 3)
Niners receiver Deebo Samuel has eight-plus catches for 100-plus yards in each of his last two games. According to Pro Football Focus, Samuel leads all receivers this year with 12 missed tackles forced AND leads receivers (who have at least 25 catches) by averaging 7.2 YAC and I just caught this video of him preparing to face Packers cornerback Tramon Williams Nov. 24:
4. New England Patriots (9-1, No. 4)
Obviously we’re all writing them off entirely too much when you consider that they’re still the Patriots and Satan still exists so they can’t possibly stay as mediocre as they’ve been.
5. New Orleans Saints (8-2, No. 5)
I guess we’re at the point where we can assume what happened against the Falcons was an anomaly and the Saints are still very good. It’s sorta like how I had a really consistent record throughout college but one night I got really drunk and then … showed up at my 8 a.m. class on time. An anomaly.
6. Green Bay Packers (8-2, No. 6)
Bet you wish you would have spent the bye week in Wisconsin. You could have cruised over to Fennimore for a visit to Valley View Farm. You wouldn’t have found giants pumpkins or an amazing Christmas display but you COULD have picked up some emu wieners … or emu jerky … or emu brats … or emu burgers … or emu sausage … which is somehow different than emu patties, which are also available.
7. Minnesota Vikings (8-3, No. 7)
Just call the Vikings “EC3” because they’re “the top 1 percent…”
Vikings absolutely didn’t deserve that win.
1st NFL team in 5 years to come back from a 20-point halftime deficit. Teams were 0-99 before that, says the NFL
(Similarly I’m going to assume that exactly 1 percent of you understand this obscure professional wrestling reference. They say you should play to the audience you want, not the one you have, though!)
8. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4, No. 9)
The Chiefs didn’t really need a Hail Mary at any point Nov. 18. (Neither did the Chargers, but Philip Rivers was kind enough to try for like 10. But I digress.) That’s a shame because this could have been fun …
Mahomes casually launching 70-yard bombs during warmups
But if there’s good news for the Texans …………………………………… I dunno, “The Mandalorian” is pretty good?
12. Oakland Raiders (6-4, No. 13)
If you thought your takes about the Ravens look stupid in hindsight, oh buddy wait until you realize the Raiders are 6-4 with only one team left on their schedule with a winning record oh and also this …
Raiders rookies have combined for: * 14 scrimmage TD: Most in NFL * 1,676 scrimmage yards: Most * 937 rushing yards: Most * 73 catches: Most * 739 receiving yards: 2nd most * 10.0 sacks: Most
Gotta respect Carson Wentz’s wardrobe by “Gucci Pro Shops” though.
16. Tennessee Titans (5-5, No. 16)
If you were in Nashville for the bye week, you would obviously make sure you got their well-known Nashville Hot … Crispy Pig Ears at Lockeland Table. This place actually advertises that they do “nose to tail butchering,” which sounds weird but would probably have also been an appropriate nickname for the Blaine Gabbert stretch under center last season. Oh, and they also have “thug pickles,” and I NEED TO KNOW MORE.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-5, No. 10)
Mason Rudolph’s bit where he played the victim went over about as well as a fart on cable TV.
18. Cleveland Browns (4-6, No. 20)
I mean, we can’t really be all that surprised by what happened here, can we? Myles Garrett grows up watching Boy Meets World and then takes Eric Matthews’ advice? I don’t really understand why we’re even mad.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6, No. 18)
We could waste time discussing the Jaguars OR we could look at this adorable picture of a baby and get on to the next bad team we’re going to waste time talking about.
20. Carolina Panthers (5-5, No. 19)
The Wildcat offense died a horrible death years ago and no team should ever again try it except the Panthers should absolutely, positively, 100 percent just put Christian McCaffrey under center and hope for the best.
21. Atlanta Falcons (3-7, No. 20)
They won’t make the playoffs, but at least they won’t have a good draft pick, either!
22. Los Angeles Chargers (4-7, No. 21)
Sometimes when a band plays a “farewell tour,” it’s about giving their fans one final chance to see them play all of their greatest hits. Which sorta explains exactly what’s going on with Philip Rivers.
23. Chicago Bears (4-6, No. 22)
Matt Nagy TOTALLY didn’t bench Mitchell Trubisky. And I TOTALLY didn’t throw six cartons of eggs at Steven J’s car when I found out he was dating Katie D in 11th grade despite the fact that we had been broken up for a month. Honestly it could have been anyone and seriously he knew I still liked her and what, are you a cop?
24. Denver Broncos (3-7, No. 23)
Is there any doubt at all that they’re going to somehow acquire Philip Rivers this offseason?
25. New York Jets (3-7, No. 29)
Did you guys know Bilal Powell still played in the NFL? For the Jets? I wonder if Chris Ivory is still on a roster somewhere. Anyhoo, the Jets won the least interesting game in football history.
26. Detroit Lions (3-6-1, No. 24)
We could talk about a team quarterbacked by Jeff Driskel OR we could watch this video about making beer cheese stuffing just in time for Thanksgiving.
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-7-1, No. 27)
Kyler Murray is the only quarterback to post a passer rating over 100 against the 49ers this season.