Here are my power rankings for Week 4 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
I hear they’re good.
2. Seattle Seahawks (3-0, No. 3)
The Seahawks have won their last 58 games when leading by four or more points at the half. When reached for comment, Maryland football said, “You can do that?”
3. Tennessee Titans (3-0, No. 4)
Has anyone had a better quick turnaround than Stephen Gostkowski from “can’t make a kick” to “banging six field goals, including a 55-yard winner?” The 2018-19 Los Angeles Lakers think that’s marked improvement.
4. Green Bay Packers (3-0, No. 5)
The Packers are just out here beating everyone with something called a Robert Tonyan.
5. Baltimore Ravens (2-1, No. 2)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0, No. 6)
Congratulations to Ben Roethlisberger on breaking the Steelers’ record by playing in his 221st career game Sept. 27. And more records are still to come, as he’s just seven away from breaking the franchise record for “most overly dramatic injury issues” and he’ll almost certainly get that within a week.
7. Buffalo Bills (3-0, No. 7)
You know what they call teams that only manage to avoid blowing 28-3 leads by getting questionable pass interference calls at the end of the game?
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1, No. 11)
Speaking of 221, congratulations to Tom Brady for tying the NFL record (Adam Vinatieri) for most wins by an individual player. But look out, Sam Darnold is on pace to break the record by the time he reaches the age of 194.
9. New England Patriots (2-1, No. 13)
Rex Burkhead scoring 34 fantasy points this week was surprising. But to be fair, there are more surprising things:
10. San Francisco 49ers (2-1, No. 10)
11. Arizona Cardinals (2-1, No. 8)
I’m sure it’s very smart to bet on professional American football games.
12. New Orleans Saints (1-2, No. 9)
The bad news is that their quarterback is struggling. The good news is that they literally have one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time just sitting there waiting for his turn.
13. Las Vegas Raiders (2-1, No. 12)
Sure, it’s a bummer to follow up a big win with a flat loss in New England, but there could be worse things. Like running into a 14-foot alligator.
14. Los Angeles Rams (2-1, No. 14)
The bad news is you might have gotten jobbed at the end of the game. The good news is you can have some Bacon Brussels Sprouts Spaghetti when you get home.
15. Chicago Bears (3-0, No. 18)
Which is more likely to be real: the Chicago Bears (even after turning to Nick Foles) being legit or “virtual television audience members dancing to a Vin Diesel song” NOT being a sign of the apocalypse?
16. Indianapolis Colts (2-1, No. 19)
And next week the Colts meet the Bears in the “What Exactly Are We Looking At Here Bowl.” Brought to you by Bad Boy Mowerz.
17. Dallas Cowboys (1-2, No. 16)
Sure, they’d be 0-3 if not for a miraculous end to their second game, but at least their defensive lineman are proving to be total scumbags in attempts to purposely injure other players too. Oh and also they’ll clinch their playoff spot before Halloween.
18. Cleveland Browns (2-1, No. 22)
Congratulations to the Cleveland Browns on being above .500 for the first time in … ever? I’m just assuming it’s ever.
19. Los Angeles Chargers (1-2, No. 17)
This is probably the best tweet about the most awkward thing.
20. Houston Texans (0-3, No. 15)
At some point in Earl Thomas’ introductory press conference, someone asks, “Did you feel like Houston provided you the best family atmosphere?” right?
21. Carolina Panthers (1-2, No. 25)
This is a long snapper (JJ Jansen) making a massive play to help his team win a game, and it feels like it deserves a little more credit.
22. Minnesota Vikings (0-3, No. 20)
I dare you to work in a broadcast medium and try to have a fantasy football conversation this week without saying Justin Jefferson is “moving on up” the waiver wire. I dare you. YOU WON’T.
23. Miami Dolphins (1-2, No. 27)
I feel like you need to know Ryan Fitzpatrick has now thrown for more career yards than Steve Young, Troy Aikman and Kurt Warner AND more career touchdowns than Warner and Terry Bradshaw.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2, No. 24)
I lost Saquon Barkley in a league but my roster was actually much better because I got to start James Robinson. This league makes sense.
25. Detroit Lions (1-2, No. 31)
But like, seriously. The Lions winning on the road in Arizona is the weirdest thing that’s happened since Hank Schrader decided there was absolutely no need to ask his brother-in-law what he did with his days after he left his teaching job in New Mexico.
26. Denver Broncos (0-3, No. 23)
Broncos-Jets might be the worst primetime national television sporting event in human history. So if you need me Oct. 1, don’t think for a second that I won’t be glued to every Brett Rypien pass.
27. Atlanta Falcons (0-3, No. 21)
Look, I don’t actually care if Atlanta fires Dan Quinn. Why would I? It impacts my life in no ways. But isn’t it more comforting to know you can count on some things being normal in these strange times?
28. Washington Football Team (1-2, No. 26)
For what it’s worth, I’m equally as excited about getting to watch the Washington Football Team Oct. 4 as I am about the arrival of Pumpkin Spice Macaroni and Cheese.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2-1, No. 29)
The good news is that they have a quarterback and won’t go 0-16. The bad news is that he might not survive until Election Day.
30. Philadelphia Eagles (0-2-1, No. 28)
The good news is … absolutely nothing.
31. New York Giants (0-3, No. 30)
I imagine this is probably what it feels like to be a New York football fan on game day.
32. New York Jets (0-3, No. 32)
They should absolutely make Joe Flacco the new … head coach.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox