Here are my power rankings for Week 5 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
So how many weeks until the “Patrick Mahomes is pretty likable and Andy Reid always has been so while we want to beat them we don’t really hate them” feelings become a little more murderous rage-y? I’m thinking six.
2. Seattle Seahawks (4-0, No. 2)
FINALLY LETTING RUSSELL WILSON THROW THE BALL MORE! VOTE!
3. Green Bay Packers (4-0, No. 4)
You know that Jim Carrey typing gif from Bruce Almighty? That’s me trying to get Robert Tonyan in every league where I’ve been riding with Noah Fant.
4. Tennessee Titans (3-0, No. 3)
My bye week theme for the 2020 season is going to be “oddities,” pointing out completely strange things you could see in these cities if we’re ever able to visit them again.
For example, if you wanted to stop by Division Street in Nashville you could (of course) find a statue of dancing naked people OR you could wander over near Vanderbilt to see a 16-foot tall … whisk. I mean, how could you possibly skip that?
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-1, No. 5)
As a father, I only hope that my sons will one day find something they’re as passionate about as Patrick Ricard is about violently stealing another human of his dignity.
6. Buffalo Bills (4-0, No. 7)
Josh Allen is the second best player in the entire NFL this season and is playing in a game next week that features two undefeated teams. And because of course, it is a regional game at 1 p.m. while CBS’ national 4:25 game is between two teams (Cowboys and Giants) with a combined one victory.
Because sometimes your wife asks if you want steak tonight but you’re like, “Nah, I’d just really rather nibble on the corner of the picnic table.”
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0, No. 6)
If you had a week off in Pittsburgh, you could stop by the Stephen Foster Memorial Museum to, for some reason, see a musical instrument made out of a horse’s jawbone (all of the best ones are), or if you hate yourself you could visit the steepest driveable street in the U.S. (Canton Avenue, 37 percent grade).
I think that was confusing. What I meant was that if you hate yourself, you could visit Pittsburgh. And then while you’re there you could go to that dumb place.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1, No. 8)
I, for one, am SHOCKED that an otherwise nondescript white wide receiver (Scotty Miller) is finding success in a Tom Brady offense.
9. Los Angeles Rams (3-1, No. 14)
About two seconds into this clip, you’ll see Giants lineman Nick Gates quickly remember that the guy he’s about to fight is Aaron friggin’ Donald and, “No, I was just kidding bud.”
10. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 12)
So, umm, maybe Drew Brees ISN’T dead after all? I’m not sure what to believe anymore. Is there a chance that maybe the Presidential debates won’t all run like totally well-oiled machines?
11. Indianapolis Colts (3-1, No. 16)
Just a note that the dude leading the NFL in scoring is the guy from your 11th-grade social studies class who always wore headphones no matter how many how many times the teacher told him to take them off, suddenly started telling everyone to call him Squeeze in the middle of January and every time you asked told you he didn’t sell weed even though you knew like six other kids who got it from him.
12. New England Patriots (2-2, No. 9)
I think the Ravens made a mistake not running the ball more against the Chiefs Sept. 28. But for what it’s worth, the Patriots ran the ball 35 times at 5.3 yards per clip and STILL ended up getting blown out. (It was two scores but it would have been three had the definitely not best kicker in the NFL made a friggin’ extra point.)
13. San Francisco 49ers (2-2, No. 10)
You: “I think Nick Mullens could end up replacing Jimmy Garoppolo.”
Nick Mullens: “Nah, I’m good.”
14. Cleveland Browns (3-1, No. 18)
Jarvis Landry: Exceptional wide receiver, also good at throwing the football.
Sam Koch: Incredible punter, literally the most accurate passer in NFL history.
The advantage is obvious.
15. Arizona Cardinals (2-2, No. 11)
Chris Davis thinks Kenyan Drake’s 2020 production has been disappointing.
16. Las Vegas Raiders (2-2, No. 13)
To be fair to the Raiders, they’re JUST as mediocre as literally every non-Harry Styles song I’ve heard on the radio this year.
17. Chicago Bears (3-1, No. 15)
Sure, they lost a football game but YOU GUYS THEY’RE GETTING A DAMN MOOBY’S.
18. Carolina Panthers (2-2, No. 21)
Their win against the Cardinals was surprising. Not “everyone drinking cranberry juice and knowing the words to ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac in 2020” surprising, but surprising.
19. Minnesota Vikings (1-3, No. 22)
I genuinely think they’re the best 1-3 team in the NFL. Just like I genuinely believe I’m the best looking guy at my “Super Friggin’ Ugly Anonymous” meetings.
20. Los Angeles Chargers (1-3, No. 19)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3, No. 17)
But congratulations to Dak Prescott, who by my calculations has thrown for 938,212,394,938,398,273,485,485,999 yards this season.
22. Houston Texans (0-4, No. 20)
So I’m starting to think that maybe it’s possible that you could make an argument that perhaps it wasn’t totally in the Texans’ best interests to give Bill O’Brien the power to get rid of all of their best players and their draft picks.
23. Denver Broncos (1-3, No. 26)
Brett Rypien is off to a good start. But he’s still not even the best quarterback in his family’s history. He’s third.
(You forgot this one.)
24. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2-1, No. 30)
“Siri, show me all of the teams who have ever won their first game in Week 4 and immediately moved into first place in their division by themselves …”
25. Miami Dolphins (1-3, No. 23)
The Dolphins are reportedly thinking about making a quarterback change this week. They’re thinking about turning to a little known signal-caller who you might not know is the brother of soon-to-be Heisman Trophy winner Taulia Tagovailoa.
26. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2-1, No. 29)
You don’t need to ask if I benched Joe Mixon because he had been terrible just before he went off for 42 points. You already know I did.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3, No. 24)
Tough times in Jacksonville. The Jaguars are the dumpster fire we all thought they were, trucks are just driving into friggin’ swimming pools, it’s Florida …
28. Detroit Lions (1-3, No. 25)
TFW you decide you’re going to bet a couple American dollars on the Detroit Lions.
29. Washington Football Team (1-3, No. 28)
The Washington Football Team has a quarterback who was apparently being “tested” by his head coach to see if he’s worthy of keeping his job despite having very little to work with and his agent was taking shots in the media afterwards and honestly, yeah, it’s about as good as things have been in DC in a decade.
30. Atlanta Falcons (0-4, No. 27)
31. New York Giants (0-4, No. 31)
The movie theater industry thinks the Giants are having a tough fall.
32. New York Jets (0-4, No. 32)
A British zoo recently removed all of their parrots because they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests. But to be fair, if you were a parrot, what would you do if the zookeepers kept forcing you to watch the New York Jets?