Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
1. Seattle Seahawks (5-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
A reminder that for bye weeks this season we’re introducing you to oddities and random tourist attractions in those cities. Like if you spent the bye week in Seattle, you could visit the world’s largest trophy cup (and honestly, why not?) or a 46-foot … squished head. Which is good because anything bigger than 48 would just be gaudy.
2. Tennessee Titans (5-0, No. 2)
Told you guys all week that the Titans only being 3- or 3.5-point favorites was ABSOLUTELY insane and that Vegas was basically giving away free money. I’m not always right about everything but man did I ever call that. Sometimes these things are just too simple. Easy friggin’ money. Never a doubt. Betting isn’t that hard, you guys.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (5-1, No. 4)
Imagine having a job interview. You’re meeting with a company’s CEO and you see a handful of pictures in his office of him and a woman who likes EXACTLY like Sofia Vergara. So you say, “Is that your wife?” He says “yes.” Then you notice that in other pictures they’re with another woman who looks EXACTLY like Margot Robbie. So you say, “Oh, and is that your daughter?” To which he says, “No, that’s our new girlfriend.”
The Chiefs have Patrick Mahomes as their quarterback and yet ran for 245 yards against the Bills and are about to add LeSean McCoy to the backfield. That was the best parallel I could come up with.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-0, No. 6)
The undefeated Steelers face the undefeated Titans Oct. 25. The game will kick off at 1 p.m. for a regional audience. The following week, the Ravens face the Steelers in a game where the teams will have at WORST two combined losses coming in. That game will kick off at 1 p.m. for a regional audience. Meanwhile NFC East matchups get prime-time games in each of the next two weeks.
There’s no punch line coming. I’ve already told the joke.
5. Baltimore Ravens (5-1, No. 5)
Do not allow anyone to shame you for being less than “through the roof” excited about the Ravens’ 5-1 start. You have every right to have some concern.
That thing you did on Zoom when you were supposed to be talking about the election? They have every right to shame you for that, though.
6. Green Bay Packers (4-1, No. 3)
So that was surprising. Not “Sturgill Simpson dropping a whole record of bluegrass covers of Sturgill Simpson songs” surprising, but surprising nonetheless. (And significantly less pleasant.)
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2, No. 13)
Damn it. This is a really wonderful Tweet.
8. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 7)
As a Josh Allen fantasy owner I know better than to freak out about two games that happen to have come against the two best teams in the AFC in weird circumstances. I’m better than that.
As a guy who could use a few more clicks to help pay for his kids’ apple cider doughnut addiction, Josh Allen is clearly trash and they should probably sign Johnny Manziel.
9. Las Vegas Raiders (3-2, No. 9)
If you spent the bye week in Las Vegas and you were looking to find an oddity, holy hell, you’re in Las Vegas. This shouldn’t be that hard. But a few options would include the world’s largest fire hydrant or the world’s tallest chocolate fountain or this sculpture made out of 200 boats or seriously, you’re in Las Vegas. Just look around a little more, you guys.
10. New Orleans Saints (3-2, No. 10)
And seriously, you shouldn’t need help finding oddities in New Orleans, either. What’s wrong with you guys? But I might recommend a friggin’ Museum of Death or, and I’m not kidding, the actual pyramid-ass tomb where Nicolas Cage will someday be buried. If he doesn’t steal it first.
11. Chicago Bears (5-1, No. 16)
I know they’re 5-1. I still choose to believe the Bears are roughly as much of a Super Bowl contender as the Braves are a contender to win the World Series.
12. Indianapolis Colts (4-2, No. 14)
The gentleman Rock Ya-Sin discards below? That’s me in college after eight beers when I think I’m play-fighting with a dude that might have still been a little more mad about me talking to a girl he was into than I realized …
13. Los Angeles Rams (4-2, No. 8)
They’ve literally lost every game they’ve played against a team that isn’t in the NFC East, and moving forward, I believe we should be required by law to include that when we list teams’ records.
14. Arizona Cardinals (4-2, No. 15)
That had to have been the best 9-for-24 performance in quarterbacking history, right?
15. Cleveland Browns (4-2, No. 11)
I have about as much of a grasp on what the Cleveland Browns are as I do on whether I’m supposed to say “rejuvenated” or “rejuvenized.”
(Seriously, everyone tells me “rejuvenized” isn’t a word. It’s … a word. It means exactly what I think it does. Yet even Microsoft Word is about to tell me it isn’t a word when I click “spellcheck.” Am I getting Punk’d?)
16. Miami Dolphins (3-3, No. 18)
Sure, it might be awkward for you to have to admit that you might have been wrong about the Dolphins. But I recently admitted to another human being that I kinda liked the song Justin Bieber did on SNL so I’m good.
17. San Francisco 49ers (3-3, No. 21)
The 49ers are pretty confusing. But since this is the city that has given us a fried chicken sandwich with a CLAW, this is probably the football team they deserve.
18. New England Patriots (2-3, No. 12)
I know we’re struggling to accept the idea of the Patriots not being the best team in the AFC East, but we’ve accepted a world in which ghost pepper donuts are a thing, so can anything really be that shocking at this point?
19. Carolina Panthers (3-3, No. 17)
Things I’m confident in:
- The Big Ten won’t get every game in this season unless they move their championship game back
- You might be better off not seeing some of your family at Thanksgiving this year
- The Panthers will be .500 a few more times this season
20. Los Angeles Chargers (1-4, No. 20)
If you were looking for an oddity to visit during the bye week in LA, I might suggest this gigantic “Wall of Lips” or something a little more appropriate for the whole family, you can try the Golden Era Porno Walk of Fame. Your grandfather did always tell you that you should learn more about history.
21. Denver Broncos (2-3, No. 23)
Had a pretty good fantasy week. Just a little unfair that I had to face the world-beating powerhouse that is Brandon McManus.
22. Houston Texans (1-5, No. 22)
A lot of people are criticizing Romeo Crennel’s decision to go for two up seven late against the Titans, but I assure you it had absolutely no bearing on the Texans ultimately missing the playoffs this season.
23. Minnesota Vikings (1-5, No. 19)
24. Detroit Lions (2-3, No. 28)
I would tell you something about their win against the Jaguars, but you and I both know that no one knows a damn thing about the Lions’ win against the Jaguars.
25. Atlanta Falcons (1-5, No. 30)
I know it seems unlikely and all, but please let a man dream.
26. Dallas Cowboys (2-4, No. 24)
So as it turns out, they’re as much “just as good with Andy Dalton instead of Dak Prescott” as I am “currently the governor of Montana.”
27. Philadelphia Eagles (1-4-1, No. 25)
Boxer Vasyl Lomachenko thinks they waited a little too long to get going this weekend.
28. Cincinnati Bengals (1-4-1, No. 26)
Sure, the Bengals are a bit of a bummer, but fear not Cincinnati. If you’re bored, you can just wanted down the street to Kentucky to hang out with bobcats … while they shop for toiletries.
29. New York Giants (1-5, No. 31)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5, No. 27)
So like, the team that appeared to be so obviously tanking might not actually be the Super Bowl contenders we made them out to be after one game?
31. Washington Football Team (1-5, No. 29)
Look, a lot of teams are both really bad but also starting a quarterback that isn’t good now, has never been good and has shown absolutely no reason for anyone to think he might be good in the future.
32. New York Jets (0-6, No. 32)
The oldest son from Home Improvement thinks 2020 has been tough on the Jets.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox