Here are my power rankings for Week 9 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (6-1, No. 1 ranking last week)
Their failure to cover, however, was more disappointing than when (and I swear to God it happened here in the year of our Roquan 2022) someone is giving out “Double Bubble” still on Halloween.
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-0, No. 2)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2, No. 3)
One of the great music cities thanks to their jazz history, but it doesn’t hurt that Janelle Monae has been one of the better Prince impressionists of the last decade-plus …
4. Minnesota Vikings (6-1, No. 4)
Za’Darius Smith has 8.5 sacks (so far) this season.
5. Dallas Cowboys (6-2, No. 6)
It’s kinda adorable how they keep insisting that Ezekiel Elliott is still their starting running back. Like how I insist I WON’T listen to nothing but Mariah Carey for the next eight weeks.
6. Baltimore Ravens (5-3, No. 8)
Me when I found out that the Ravens traded for Roquan Smith. (And that Chuck Clark would be joining “The Tyus Bowser Show” on Nov. 1 at 7 p.m. at The Hamilton Sports Bar & Grill on Harford Road but who’s plugging?)
7. Seattle Seahawks (5-3, No. 12)
I understand the appeal of (singer? Rapper? Actor?) Jack Harlow more than I understand how the Seahawks are doing this.
8. New York Giants (6-2, No. 5)
You ever talk to a girl who had a “best friend” who was very clearly into her and she pretended like he wasn’t and you didn’t really feel like dealing with it because you were too young and who knew if the whole thing was going to work out?
My childhood best friend Chris had a girl with that situation. In the following video, he’s Geno Smith. Adoree’ Jackson is his girl’s best friend. And D.K. Metcalf is me, at every damn party for like two months, doing the right thing and keeping that dude away by any means necessary because friendship matters, kings.
9. Tennessee Titans (5-2, No. 10)
Congratulations to Derrick Henry for his 75th career rushing touchdown against the Texans.
10. Miami Dolphins (5-3, No. 11)
11. New York Jets (5-3, No. 7)
Zach Wilson is the Jack Harlow of football quarterbacks.
12. San Francisco 49ers (4-4, No. 14)
Jeshaun Jones did it better.
13. Los Angeles Chargers (4-3, No. 13)
Since I did “California Love” last week for the Rams, it’s fitting I might use this week to recognize the greatest song Southern California ever gave us.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (4-4, No. 9)
15. New England Patriots (4-4, No. 17)
Za’Darius Smith has 8.5 sacks (so far) this season.
SORRY Matt Judon. Matt Judon has 8.5 sacks (so far) this season.
Also. In addition to. Za’Darius Smith has 8.5 sacks (so far) this season AND Matt Judon has 8.5 sacks this season as well.
16. Washington Commanders (4-4, No. 21)
The Commanders apparently had lost 76 straight games when they trailed by more than one possession in the fourth quarter and that’s really surprising because I figured that sentence probably could have ended after “games.”
17. Los Angeles Rams (3-4, No. 15)
18. Atlanta Falcons (4-4, No. 24)
Congratulations to the Falcons for being slightly less horrendous than the rest of their division foes for half of a season. Or as they call it, “Literally the best thing that’s happened to us since 9 p.m. on Feb. 5, 2017.”
19. Arizona Cardinals (3-5, No. 16)
I don’t know if anyone else on the internet has seen this, but Kyler Murray lost a football game the week a new “Call of Duty” video game was released. You guys might want to start looking into that.
20. New Orleans Saints (3-5, No. 25)
It’s that thing where Jameis Winston is somehow both the worst and maybe the best rapper of all time.
21. Cleveland Browns (3-5, No. 27)
22. Indianapolis Colts (3-4-1, No. 18)
I have no idea if this is true, but that’s not really the point.
23. Denver Broncos (3-5, No. 29)
24. Chicago Bears (3-5, No. 20)
Hard to blame the Bears. When you have the chance to land A.J. Klein, you simply don’t pass that up.
25. Green Bay Packers (3-5, No. 22)
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-5, No. 23)
They’ve got a lot of shit going on.
27. Las Vegas Raiders (2-5, No. 19)
They’re the Jack Harlow of football teams.
28. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-6, No. 26)
Pity.
29. Carolina Panthers (2-6, No. 28)
When, yeah, you lost, but you think mom might have just bought a new box of Oatmeal Creme Pies.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6, No. 30)
Jacksonville fans traveled all the way to London just to watch their team lose again and I’m jealous because they didn’t have to watch Jack Harlow “host” Saturday Night Live.
31. Houston Texans (1-5-1, No. 31)
What’s interesting about the Texans is nothing.
32. Detroit Lions (1-6, No. 32)
If someone had a gun to your head and said “if you want to live you have to watch a Detroit Lions game or a Jack Harlow concert,” would you ask for a chance to say goodbye first?