Here are my power rankings for Week 12 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (8-2, No. 1 ranking last week)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (9-1, No. 4)
They didn’t suffer a letdown, unlike every other human being who has ever visited Indianapolis.
3. Miami Dolphins (7-3, No. 3)
Maybe you think the answer is 2 Live Crew. It is not.
4. Buffalo Bills (7-3, No. 5)
Hi I just want to state for the record that if there’s ever 6 feet of snow in Baltimore, I’m not going to work. I don’t mean “I’m not going into the office,” I mean “I’m calling FEMA.” All these pictures of people in Buffalo out there trying to shovel the snow. Forget ANY of that. I’d like to have an operational back when I’m 50.
5. Baltimore Ravens (7-3, No. 6)
6. Dallas Cowboys (7-3, No. 8)
7. Minnesota Vikings (8-2, No. 2)
I guess you could say they had to pay for their Sins.
8. Tennessee Titans (7-3, No. 9)
Hey so the Titans are like … good. Not “A Christmas Story Christmas — if you don’t expect much it’s actually kinda sweet” good but like … good.
9. San Francisco 49ers (6-4, No. 11)
10. New York Giants (7-3, No. 7)
Better week for the Giants in Green than the Giants in Blue.
11. Washington Commanders (6-5, No. 13)
I mean, it would be the best feel good story in decades if not for you know, definitely not that.
12. Seattle Seahawks (6-4, No. 12)
There are many Pearl Jam songs. My Pearl Jam song is Daughter.
13. Cincinnati Bengals (6-4, No. 14)
Thankfully, much like you, I spent all of my FAAB this week on whatever a Trenton Irwin is.
14. New England Patriots (6-4, No 15)
The Patriots beating the Jets is more of a sure thing than me asking my sons to do some sort of talent show so I can sneak back into the kitchen and crush all of the leftover garlic jalapeno potatoes Thursday night without having to deal with the burden of using a plate.
15. New York Jets (6-4, No. 10)
It’s not just that we think Zach Wilson is wrong, it’s that no one has been this harmful to their own defense since Colonel Nathan Jessup.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-5, No. 16)
There has apparently never been a good musician to come through Tampa/St. Pete, which actually seems about right. So instead, here’s Hulk Hogan’s entrance music. That’s literally the best we’ve got.
17. Los Angeles Chargers (5-5, No. 17)
18. Atlanta Falcons (5-6, No. 22)
Cordarrelle Patterson recorded his ninth career kickoff return TD Sunday, or one for as many ways as you’ve attempted to spell his name.
19. Detroit Lions (4-6, No. 24)
“Looking forward to the Lions game on Thanksgiving” is an even more surprising development in 2022 than “the Orioles playing a meaningful game on Labor Day” was.
20. New Orleans Saints (4-7, No. 26)
When someone asks me about the second half of the USA-Wales match.
21. Green Bay Packers (4-7, No. 19)
I would be mad about this, but as you read above, I have “Clinton Urban” or whatever the hell that is.
22. Indianapolis Colts (4-6-1, No. 20)
I hope we understand what kind of bullet we dodged here. If they had won, the takes would have been wilder than Larsa Pippen’s dating habits.
23. Arizona Cardinals (4-7, No. 18)
24. Los Angeles Rams (3-7, No. 21)
Every time there’s a report that Tom Brady might not actually end up at FOX, Sean McVay has to be thinking about making his move, right?
25. Las Vegas Raiders (3-7, No. 31)
Hi did you know Raiders linebacker Blake Martinez retired from football and it’s possible that it’s because he sold a Pokémon card for $650,000 and also I apologize to my sons for yelling at them about all of their Pokémon nonsense. Keep it up, fellas!
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-7, No. 23)
Pity.
27. Cleveland Browns (3-7, No. 25)
Also pity.
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7, No. 28)
I can’t believe Yellowcard is from Jacksonville. No disrespect to Jacksonville but like, Yellowcard seems entirely too cool to be from Jacksonville. No offense no offense.
29. Denver Broncos (3-7, No. 27)
30. Chicago Bears (3-8, No. 29)
When the team didn’t show up but THE TEAM SHOWED UP.
31. Carolina Panthers (3-8, No. 30)
But if there’s good news for Baker Mayfield it’s that … maybe ESPN will need a new college football analyst next year?
32. Houston Texans (1-8-1, No. 32)
And if there’s good news for the Texans it’s that Doritos is making dips now so they’ve got that going for them.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox