Here are my power rankings for Week 16 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (13-1, No. 1 ranking last week)
Stick through this one.
2. Buffalo Bills (11-3, No. 2)
Man. Dramatic football in the snow is just absolute scenes. I mean, there’s absolutely no chance I’d want to be there but still, scenes. I’m more like Jerry Falwell Jr. these days. I just love to watch.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (11-3, No. 3)
As it turns out, the part of the story where he wore his Chiefs mask as he robbed banks isn’t actually true. The rest is, though. And this is definitely one of those times where the movie that’s made about it should be forgiven when they embellish and make the other part true.
4. San Francisco 49ers (10-4, No. 5)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (10-4, No. 6)
I’m looking forward to putting toys together until 4 a.m. Saturday night more than I’m looking forward to a Week 18 trip to Cincinnati.
6. Minnesota Vikings (11-3, No. 8)
7. Dallas Cowboys (10-4, No. 4)
8. Baltimore Ravens (9-5, No. 7)
9. Los Angeles Chargers (8-6, No. 11)
Are they good? Kinda. Are they really good? I dunno. They are to football what “getting a multi tool” is to Christmas.
10. Miami Dolphins (8-6, No. 9)
What do the Miami Dolphins and Amber from the 1995 film “Clueless” have in common? They’re not really fans of activities where balls come flying at their face.
(Thank you to both of you who chuckled a little bit at that.)
11. Detroit Lions (7-7, No. 12)
America’s Team.
12. New York Giants (8-5-1, No. 16)
Kayvon Thibodeaux seems decent.
13. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-8, No. 19)
This is even more surprising than breaching etiquette and skipping a triple dare and going right for a triple dog dare.
14. Washington Commanders (7-6-1, No. 10)
15. Las Vegas Raiders (6-8, No. 20)
16. New England Patriots (7-7, No. 13)
17. Seattle Seahawks (7-7, No. 14)
An 8-year-old asking questions about how long it would take for Santa to get all over the earth thinks the Seahawks’ bubble might have burst.
18. Tennessee Titans (7-7, No. 15)
When you’re talking to a girl at a bar and she tells you she’s looking for something serious and oh wouldn’t you know, you seem PERFECT for my buddy who just happens to be walking by right now …
19. New York Jets (7-7, No. 17)
20. Cleveland Browns (6-8, No. 21)
Man, you know what? The Ravens might have never had a chance.
21. Green Bay Packers (6-8, No. 22)
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-8, No. 18)
23. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-8, No. 24)
They had a scoring drive that lasted 11:43, which made your wife very jealous.
24. Carolina Panthers (5-9, No. 23)
Very much still alive to host a playoff game.
25. New Orleans Saints (5-9, No. 26)
Them too.
26. Atlanta Falcons (5-9, No. 25)
Ellos tambien.
27. Denver Broncos (4-10, No. 30)
28. Indianapolis Colts (4-9-1, No. 27)
You just really feel for a really swell guy like Jim Irsay.
29. Los Angeles Rams (4-10, No. 28)
30. Arizona Cardinals (4-10, No. 29)
You can’t possibly think I have any idea what happened in this game, can you?
31. Chicago Bears (3-11, No. 31)
The Bears would be a super dope team to root for if you didn’t care about results.
32. Houston Texans (1-12-1, No. 32)
I mean, it could be worse?