Here are my power rankings for Week 8 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (6-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
It’s just a shame that no one on the internet is talking about how the singer Taylor Swift was at the game and did some sort of handshake with the wife of the Kansas City quarterback. Did you guys hear about that?
2. Philadelphia Eagles (6-1, No. 4)
And since the Titans are apparently just giving up players, Derrick Henry for Jack Flaherty — who says no?
3. Baltimore Ravens (5-2, No. 8)
This was slightly less memorable than the last Ravens-Lions matchup, although the details are fuzzy …
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-2, No. 7)
If 2023 Al Michaels called the 1980 Olympics it might have been more like, “Do you believe in miracles because I’m not sure yet but it might perhaps be occurring … no, probably not gonna be a miracle at least not right now but maybe at some point in the future.”
5. Miami Dolphins (5-2, No. 2)
The Dolphins will appear on HBO’s in season version of “Hard Knocks,” because who can pass on this type of charisma?
6. San Francisco 49ers (5-2, No. 5)
Tough night for the Niners.
Tougher night for George Kittle.
7. Detroit Lions (5-2, No. 3)
You guys remember what I said about the Lions last week? This was even more prophetic than when I clearly told everyone to bet Virginia to beat North Carolina outright and just because you didn’t hear it doesn’t mean I didn’t say it.
8. Seattle Seahawks (4-2, No. 11)
Congratulations to Jake Bobo for catching a touchdown and also, apparently, being a person!
9. Dallas Cowboys (4-2, No. 9)
Who wouldn’t want to spend a bye week in Dallas with a legend like Vanilla Ice, actor Kevin McHale (who played Artie on “Glee” … like you didn’t know that) or the man that gave us the “hit” song “I Play Chicken With The Train,” “rapper” Cowboy Troy.
10. Cincinnati Bengals (3-3, No. 10)
If I had a bye week in Cincinnati, I’d probably try to spend it with Carmen Electra or … you know, come to think of it, I could probably stop here. But if I had to, maybe also American (and more so Japanese) basketball legend Tuffy Rhodes or the Lachey Brothers from the group 98 Degrees.
11. Buffalo Bills (4-3, No. 6)
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2, No. 15)
Congratulations on the win and all, but they were actually about eight “Kenny Pickett’s hands” short of that first down.
13. Houston Texans (3-3, No. 13)
You have a bye week in Houston? You just gotta spend it with former Wimbledon runner-up Zina Garrison, Mike Jones (Who?) or Summer Wheatley from “Napoleon Dynamite” herself, Haylie Duff.
14. Cleveland Browns (4-2, No. 16)
Cleveland barely (and controversially) survived against the Colts. They were probably thankful however that The Columbus Dispatch chose not to write about the game.
15. Atlanta Falcons (4-3, No. 15)
They’re in first place, but it’s more like “the first place you’ll look for a team to lose in the first round.”
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-3, No. 12)
Oh neat, they’re on “Thursday Night Football” this week! Well maybe the Sunday night game will be good instead …
17. Los Angeles Chargers (2-4, No. 14)
Damn.
18. New York Jets (3-3, No. 18)
You can’t have a bye week in New York without connecting with Academy Award winner Cuba Gooding Jr., former “American Idol” finalist Constantine Maroulis or baseball’s true single-season home run king, Congressman George Santos.
19. Minnesota Vikings (3-4, No. 26)
Kirk Cousins really seemed like he was guided to another world against the Niners.
20. Los Angeles Rams (3-4, No. 17)
If you’re reading this, you might also be a running back on the Rams’ current depth chart.
21. New Orleans Saints (3-4, No. 19)
“Nahh man, just tell Lamar we’re moving on and sign Derek Carr to be your bridge quarterback.”
-You know who you were, seven months ago
22. Las Vegas Raiders (3-4, No. 20)
When you’re preparing your musical number to celebrate your father’s 50 years with Waystar Royco.
23. New England Patriots (2-5, No. 29)
LOL. Sure man. Sure.
24. New York Giants (2-5, No. 28)
When you had Navy +10.5 and Brian Newberry lined up for a two-point conversation trailing 17-6 late.
25. Tennessee Titans (2-4, No. 25)
Spending the bye in Nashville would give you a chance to connect with G-Unit rapper “Young Buck,” Lark Voorhies AKA Lisa Turtle from “Saved By The Bell” or internet celebrity dog “Doug the Pug.”
26. Indianapolis Colts (3-4, No. 24)
Twitter darling Jay Cuda has a reasonable idea for how things could still turn around.
27. Washington Commanders (3-4, No. 21)
28. Chicago Bears (2-5, No. 30)
Congratulations to Tyson Bagent, whatever that is!
29. Denver Broncos (2-5, No. 31)
A future Hall of Fame quarterback beat one of the worst teams in football and I am GENUINELY STUNNED.
30. Green Bay Packers (2-4, No. 23)
This is … kinda spot on.
31. Arizona Cardinals (1-6, No. 27)
You wanna talk about the Arizona Cardinals? Be my guest. I’ll choose instead to talk about REESE’S BANANA SLICES FROZEN FRUIT YOU GUYS I NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO GET THEM IMMEDIATELY.
32. Carolina Panthers (0-6, No. 32)
Spending a bye week in Charlotte might be more fun if it was spent with WWE megastar Ron “R-Truth” Killings or “K-Ci” from the R&B group K-Ci & Jojo or “Jojo” from the R&B group K-Ci & Jojo.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox