Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. San Francisco 49ers (9-3 record, No. 5 ranking last week)
So yeah…they good.
2. Dallas Cowboys (9-3, No. 2)
They’re playing a legitimately good football team this week. What could go wrong?
3. Baltimore Ravens (9-3, No. 3)
A bye week in Baltimore, you say? That’s great news! You could spend it with “You” star Penn Badgley, Super Bowl champion Antonio “Buttons” Freeman or “Howard Stern Show” sidekick Robin Quivers.
4. Miami Dolphins (9-3, No. 6)
When you’re at a concert and your buddy assumes you’re gonna sing along to every word of the song and you obviously don’t know them all so you’re desperately trying to figure out a way to be involved but not let him know you’re a fraudulent fan:
5. Philadelphia Eagles (10-2, No. 1)
The Eagles in the second half on Sunday.
6. Detroit Lions (9-3, No. 8)
The last time the Lions won at least nine of their first 12 games, the No. 1 song in America was “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by the Four Seasons.
7. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4, No. 4)
It’s that thing where we know they’re good but do we have any idea if they’re good?
8. Houston Texans (7-5, No. 11)
Tank Dell being injured stinks. America has been through so much. We NEED the Texans (and honestly the Bills, too) to knock at least some of the Steelers, Colts and Browns out of the playoffs.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4, No. 7)
The good news for the Jags fans is that no one in Florida likely noticed because they were all too busy getting arrested while wearing their “I Just Got Out of Prison” T-shirts.
10. Green Bay Packers (6-6, No. 16)
Neat that there appears to be a generational quarterback talent for the (checks notes) Green Bay Packers for a change.
11. Denver Broncos (6-6, No. 9)
In much more important news, have we heard about whether the Broncos took Brad Williams up on this VERY important offer?
12. Buffalo Bills (6-6, No. 12)
Buffalo bye weeks are cool because you have just enough time to visit with Goo Goo Dolls bassist Robby Takac, former adult film performer and man who has been “under the knife” John Wayne Bobbitt or free-agent outfielder Jesse Winker.
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-5, No. 14)
It’s that thing where we know they’re not good but also is there a small chance that they might be good?
14. Los Angeles Rams (6-6, No. 17)
Oh cool. They’re really good again right as they come to Baltimore. Awesome.
15. Cleveland Browns (7-5, No. 10)
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5, No. 13)
17. Cincinnati Bengals (6-6, No. 19)
When it’s the summer after your senior year of high school in 2001 and your mom comes downstairs and asks you what you’ve been watching for the last four hours.
18. Minnesota Vikings (6-6, No. 18)
Spending bye week in Minnesota is perfect because you get a little more time to chill with Mystery Science Theater’s Michael J. Nelson, Old Country Buffet founder Doron Jensen or four-time NHL All-Star Dustin Byfuglien.
19. Seattle Seahawks (6-6, No. 15)
I have this weird feeling that somehow Washington QB Michael Penix slips to the third round, where the Seahawks grab him and he’s their Russell Wilson for the next few years.
20. Atlanta Falcons (6-6, No. 20)
Don’t look now, but there’s an outside chance the winner of the NFC South won’t finish with double-digit losses!
21. Los Angeles Chargers (5-7, No. 22)
I know this has more to do with the Patriots, but I already had some content picked out for them so I’m just gonna share it here.
22. New Orleans Saints (5-7, No. 21)
When it’s going well.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (5-7, No. 23)
I can’t imagine anything else you’d want to do with a bye week in Las Vegas than say hello to former UFC fighter Roy “Big Country” Nelson, Slipknot’s “#4” Jim Root or Charisma Carpenter, who you might (but probably don’t) know better as “Cordelia Chase” from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” and “Angel.”
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-7, No. 27)
Congratulations to Mike Evans for reaching 1,000 yards for a 10th consecutive season to start his career. There’s no snark coming. That’s genuinely effing amazing.
25. New York Giants (4-8, No. 25)
With a bye week in NYC, you’d have time to catch up with (no, no that one and also no, not that one either) actor Rory Culkin, two-time WWE tag-team champion Curt Hawkins or former No. 1 ranked women’s pool player Jeanette “The Black Widow” Lee.
26. Chicago Bears (4-8, No. 26)
A bye week in Chicago would give you lots of time to hang with Beanie Babies creator Ty Warner (yeah, he’s the reason why they said “Ty” on them), “Jake Taylor” himself Tom Berenger or Smashing Pumpkins guitarist James Iha.
27. Tennessee Titans (4-8, No. 24)
When my 2-year-old tries to tell me something about life that he’s convinced I can’t understand.
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-10, No. 30)
Tip o’ the cap.
29. New York Jets (4-8, No. 28)
30. Washington Commanders (4-9, No. 29)
When it’s no longer even embarrassing.
31. New England Patriots (2-10, No. 31)
When the “dude, we’re the Patriots again” hits.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-11, No. 32)
We’re obviously not going to talk about the Panthers. But if you’d like, we can talk about the Blueberry Lemon Cream Cheese Fried Pies coming to Popeyes.
Photo Credit: Colin Murphy/PressBox