Here are my power rankings for Week 2 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0, No. 1 ranking last week)
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-0, No. 2)
Going into the night I needed Jake Moody to outscore Christian McCaffrey and I’m starting to think I might have gotten that even if McCaffrey had played.
3. Detroit Lions (1-0, No. 4)
That was impressive, but the NFL refusing to give us an actual overtime until the playoffs is freaking wild. There’s probably going to be a 24-game schedule in my lifetime. But fair and even possessions are a bridge too far.
4. Baltimore Ravens (0-1, No. 3)
Typical internet. Obsess about the five times there was an illegal formation and not the 69 other plays where the formation was both very cool and very legal.
5. Houston Texans (1-0, No. 6)
How good are things when they won on the road against a good team to start the season and most of us are thinking “but could they have won by a little more?”
6. Miami Dolphins (1-0, No. 7)
You’re probably thinking I’m going to lean into Tyreek Hill’s pregame incident here, but that’s WAAAY too heavy for my silly piece of the internet. So instead here’s Mike McDaniel running off the field while making a dolphin (I think) hand gesture.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0, No. 8)
It’s almost like adding Saquon Barkley to that offense really should have made them essentially undefendable.
8. Buffalo Bills (1-0, No. 11)
That was how much Josh Allen had to do to beat the Cardinals. At home. At 1 p.m. Like, the Arizona Cardinals.
9. Dallas Cowboys (1-0, No. 13)
The good news is that there’s almost no chance their fans will be super obnoxious about it.
10. Los Angeles Rams (0-1, No. 9)
Cooper Kupp seems like he’s OK.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1, No. 5)
The performance was nearly as frosty as the tips.
12. Chicago Bears (1-0, No. 16)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0, No. 24)
They didn’t score a touchdown and they won and I’m pretty sure they’re not very good but they’ll definitely win nine games and it’s just, you know, Steelers, man.
14. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0, No. 19)
Good for J.K. Dobbins, who I feel like I will still believe in when it’s 2054.
15. New York Jets (0-1, No. 14)
Me hanging out with my friends who don’t have kids at the fantasy football draft.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0, No. 22)
Huge day for Baker Mayfield, throwing for four touchdowns and then getting interviewed postgame by the lead singer of the band “The New Radicals.”
17. New Orleans Saints (1-0, No. 21)
They scored 47 points, or one for every year old you have to be if you’re really trying to scream at these kids that Lil Wayne should be the halftime show.
18. New England Patriots (1-0, No. 27)
Just when we thought they’d go back in their crypt for another 40 years.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1, No. 18)
If there’s good news for the Jaguars, it’s that no one in Florida was likely watching because they were too busy … impersonating a popular pizza shop as a scam and then giving would-be customers totally inedible food instead. But they should have been.
20. Green Bay Packers (0-1, No. 10)
The Packers are apparently NOT interested in adding Ryan Tannehill. Which makes sense because they don’t want to be disrespectful to Malik Willis and the many weeks he’s been around.
21. Atlanta Falcons (0-1, No. 12)
“The Falcons should be good because they only needed competent quarterback play” was what we said and maybe one day they can get it.
22. Tennessee Titans (0-1, No. 17)
When you hop on 695 at Providence Road forgetting that it’s 4:15 p.m.
23. Seattle Seahawks (1-0, No. 23)
The weird thing about this video is that there’s absolutely nothing weird about it.
24. Indianapolis Colts (0-1, No. 20)
If this happened when I was up three touchdowns in “NFL Blitz,” I’d throw my controller down and tell my buddy Chris “that’s ridiculous even for Blitz.”
25. Cleveland Browns (0-1, No. 15)
Down badder than when you’d get home from summer camp knowing you promised that girl Emma from Kentucky that you’d try to do the long distance thing during the school year.
26. Minnesota Vikings (1-0, No. 30)
They played the Giants so it feels like it shouldn’t count, but they did it with Sam Darnold as their quarterback so it actually counts double.
27. Washington Commanders (0-1, No. 25)
A lot to like about Jayden Daniels. Not much to like about the Commanders.
28. Arizona Cardinals (0-1, No. 28)
Pretty good weekend for the Cardinals. They almost won a game.
29. Denver Broncos (0-1, No. 26)
This is the same sound I make when another streamer posts 10 more hours of Laci Peterson content that I know I’m going to watch even though I’ve already watched all of the others.
30. New York Giants (0-1, No. 29)
31. Las Vegas Raiders (0-1, No. 31)
The good news is that you can never really be disappointed by a team with Gardner Minshew as quarterback.
32. Carolina Panthers (0-1, No. 32)
We can talk about the Panthers, but since we don’t hate ourselves, how about instead we celebrate the legacy of James Earl Jones by revisiting his brilliant reading of “The Star Spangled Banner” before the 1993 All-Star Game in Baltimore.
https://x.com/BaltimoreMemes/status/1833325791087558684
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox