Here are my power rankings for Week 9 of the NFL season.
1. Indianapolis Colts (7-1 record, No. 1 last week)
2. Detroit Lions (5-2, No. 2)
What would a bye week be in Detroit without a “bullshot?”
What was so freaky about the Bullshot? The recipe includes Campbell’s Beef Broth.
“The original recipe calls for it because the owner of the bar was friends with an advertising executive who had an account with Campbell’s. So there was a little bit of ‘co-marketing’ going on shall we say,” Coxen said.
The reopened Caucus Club is serving the Bullshot, but it’s an updated version of the drink.
It’s a lot like a Bloody Mary, but the beef broth stands in for tomato juice.
3. Green Bay Packers (5-1-1, No. 3)
Honestly the single most appropriate way to celebrate National Tight Ends Day.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (6-2, No. 4)
Kinda respect how the NFL was so pissed the tush push ban failed that it told the officials to purposely screw up every tush push moving forward in the absolute worst ways possible in order to make sure the ban goes through next year. 3D chess.
5. Kansas City Chiefs (5-3, No. 5)
Let’s go to Terry Bradshaw for his analysis …
6. Denver Broncos (6-2, No. 6)
Put the Orange Crush unis on and you’re suddenly capable of playing for all four quarters? There are no coincidences.
7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2, No. 7)
You might have needed an entire bye week if you had consumed a “Zombie” in LA …
Zombie is a Tiki cocktail that was invented in the late 1930s in Los Angeles by Donn Beach. The cocktail is named Zombie after the way it affects the drinkers. The drink is made with demerara rum, golden rum, dark rum, 151 proof Lemon Hart, falernum, lime juice, grenadine, Pernod, Angostura bitters, and Don’s mix.
However, some variations include absinthe or triple sec, which makes the cocktail even stronger. This high-powered cocktail is prepared by shaking all the ingredients together, except for the 151 proof rum, which is added on top of the drink and can even be ignited at this point.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-2, No. 8)
General manager Jason Licht had the time.
9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2, No. 9)
If you’re in Seattle for a bye week, perhaps you could enjoy a “Khoa Was Here.”
It’s a pho-fat washed shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey, served alongside a little tea pot of deeply herbal, unctuous, savory pho broth. It’s extraordinary, a drink that transcends the trappings of menu placement into something more like iconography.
10. Buffalo Bills (5-2, No. 10)
Ah. I guess reports of their demise were slightly over-exaggerated.
11. New England Patriots (6-2, No. 11)
Man. Mike Vrabel seems like a hell of a coach. I know he was with the Browns last year and thte Titans before that. Thankfully things are going so well for those franchises that they probably don’t regret letting him leave the building.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (5-3, No. 19)
I thought about posting something about Justin Herbert’s wild week, from spanking the Vikings to protecting Madison Beer from a loose ball at the Lakers game to going with Madison Beer to the World Series but you guys, I can’t pretend to know what a Madison Beer is. She seems lovely. But the only Madison Beer in my life is New Glarus Spotted Cow. I’m that many years old.
13. Chicago Bears (4-3, No. 12)
But congratulations to the Bears for making history … by becoming the first ever team to lose to Tyler Huntley twice!
14. San Francisco 49ers (5-3, No. 13)
So as it turns out, it might not be the best strategy to have your entire roster injured after all!
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3, No. 15)
I’d definitely be interested in trying a “Honey Lavender Paloma” if I were in Jacksonville for bye week …
This tequila-based drink gets a fresh twist with the additions of honey mango and lavender syrups. Squeeze in fresh lemon and grapefruit juice, and you got yourself a Honey Lavender Paloma.
16. Houston Texans (3-4, No. 22)
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3, No. 14)
18. Baltimore Ravens (2-5, No. 25)
AND they have the best defense of any of the real teams in the AFC North!
19. Minnesota Vikings (3-4, No. 16)
It’s not like they’ve let Sam Darnold and Daniel Jones walk in the last year or anything.
20. Carolina Panthers (4-4, No. 17)
Some asshole probably thought the Bills were going to win comfortably but saw -7.5 and turned into a sucker for the hook. Probably said something like “football is crazy, anything can happen” and put American dollars down just before the Panthers were set to lose by, I don’t remember off the top of my head but I think 600 points.
And that asshole is me.
21. Dallas Cowboys (3-4-1, No. 18)
The AFC North thinks the Cowboys’ defense is cheeks.
22. Cincinnati Bengals (3-5, No. 20)
23. Atlanta Falcons (3-4, No. 21)
Do the Falcons realize what they’ve done? I need one freaking Florida team to lose every week so that I can just Google news search “Florida Man” find something stupid to turn into content. The Dolphins have been sure-fire. If the Falcons hadn’t thrown up all over themselves, you might have learned about the Florida man who snuck a Thermos into a jail … in the exact way you’re thinking. But no. Had to screw that up for everybody.
24. Washington Commanders (3-5, No. 23)
At least Terry McLaurin’s still good.
25. New York Giants (2-6, No. 24)
I don’t care at all about the Giants. Not remotely. And I’m friggin’ heartbroken about Cam Skattebo, man. See you next year, sweet psycho prince.
26. Miami Dolphins (2-6, No. 31)
Not remotely worried that the Dolphins might be waking up ahead of a game against the Ravens. Haven’t thought about it once. You’re worried. I’m not worried. I’ve literally never even thought about it ever. Not one time.
27. Las Vegas Raiders (2-5, No. 27)
I’d be willing to try an “Atomic Cocktail” if I spent the bye week in Las Vegas …
An Atomic cocktail recipe as described by noted cocktail historian David Wondrich calls for equal parts vodka and brandy (or Cognac) that is either stirred or shaken with a small amount of sherry, then strained, and finally mixed with Brut (dry) champagne, frequently described as being garnished with an orange wedge. A US Army information film from the era featured some versions that were actively bubbling, likely the effect of dry ice.
28. Arizona Cardinals (2-5, No. 28)
Some folks in Phoenix might have felt like they could really use a “The Phoenix” cocktail during the bye week …
Long crafted a unique cocktail recipte that was selected as the cocktail most representative of our bold and diverse city. With homemade Chiltepin mesquite honey syrup, prickly pear fruit, and lemon juice from lemons picked by Nicole, her cocktail is a true garden-to-glass experience.
29. New York Jets (1-7, No. 32)
And safe home, Nick Mangold.
30. Cleveland Browns (2-6, No. 26)
31. Tennessee Titans (1-7, No. 29)
32. New Orleans Saints (1-7, No. 30)
https://x.com/Johnny_Barks/status/1982550888138060011
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox