Here are my power rankings for Week 15 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (12-1, No. 1 ranking last week)
Me when my buddy leaves the Doobie Brothers record on past “What A Fool Believes.”
2. Buffalo Bills (10-3, No. 2)
All of you idiots: “Why would you go back to the radio, Glenn? Radio is dying.”
Me: “We can literally see the future.”
3. Kansas City Chiefs (10-3, No. 3)
When you’re literally right in the middle of throwing a touchdown pass.
4. Dallas Cowboys (10-3, No. 4)
Like Beto O’Rourke, they had a little bit of trouble winning over Texans.
5. San Francisco 49ers (9-4, No. 6)
Just insane how quickly we’ve gone from “who is the guy playing quarterback to the 49ers?” to the inevitable “thanks to Brock Purdy for winning me my fantasy football championship.”
6. Cincinnati Bengals (9-4, No. 7)
The good news is that if the Ravens win out and the Bengals lose a game, the Ravens could clinch the AFC North (via the divisional record tiebreaker) before the Week 18 matchup. The bad news is … do you see the Bengals losing a game?
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-4, No. 9)
You’re not a Raven until you beat the Steelers. Sort of like how you’re not a Jet until you’ve rammed your face into someone’s booty cheeks on national television or you’re not a Brown until you’ve made every member of your family lie and say you’re out of the NFL when someone asks them what team you play for now.
8. Minnesota Vikings (10-3, No. 5)
Being let down by 1 p.m. Kirk Cousins is more surprising than that time I was literally the only human being in the entire gym locker room and suddenly one other human being walked in and he … didn’t have the locker directly next to mine.
9. Miami Dolphins (8-5, No. 8)
10. Washington Commanders (7-5-1, No. 10)
With all due respect to Wale (AND the “Left Hand Up” song), the D.C. answer kinda has to be…
11. Los Angeles Chargers (7-6, No. 17)
12. Detroit Lions (6-7, No. 21)
The NFL is giving us Packers-Dolphins, Broncos-Rams and Buccaneers-Cardinals on Christmas and for the first time in my life, I desperately wish I could spend my holiday with the Lions.
13. New England Patriots (7-6, No. 18)
When you see the words “freezing rain” in the 10-day forecast.
14. Seattle Seahawks (7-6, No. 11)
The Seahawks had a three-legged team dog that passed away last week and I learned about it 20 seconds ago and I’ve never been more distraught about anything in my entire life. I love you, Turf.
15. Tennessee Titans (7-6, No. 12)
Yeah but former Terp Chig Okonkwo could be your saving grace at tight end for the fantasy playoffs?
16. New York Giants (7-5-1, No. 13)
It’s that thing where I want to proclaim that it’s over, but it would require me to have faith in the Washington Football Fellers to win a critical football match.
17. New York Jets (7-6, No. 14)
Imagine doing all of these things in order to … play quarterback for the Jets.
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-7, No. 15)
When my friends ask me how I enjoyed taking the kids to the trampoline park.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-8, No. 23)
Me, acknowledging all of the folks in my fantasy football league who made fun of me for trading DeAndre Hopkins for Trevor Lawrence after Week 3 now that I’m WELL ON MY DAMN WAY to a hell of a seventh-place finish!
20. Las Vegas Raiders (5-8, No. 16)
I mean, it would be a real shame if your team missed out on the playoffs because you were incapable of not acting like a seventh-grader at all times.
21. Cleveland Browns (5-8, No. 19)
I really didn’t want to laugh at this.
22. Green Bay Packers (5-8, No. 22)
You’re not going to believe this, but there’s not exactly a rich musical history in Green Bay. So I expanded this to Wisconsin and I was today years old when I found out my No. 1 Scottish crush is the singer of a band from Wisconsin.
23. Carolina Panthers (5-8, No. 27)
They’re going to host a playoff game.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-8, No. 20)
For 20 years, the Steelers have used “Renegade” to fire up the team. And good news. It worked!
25. Atlanta Falcons (5-8, No. 24)
The appropriate answer is “any Outkast song,” but the more appropriate answer is “Humble Mumble.”
26. New Orleans Saints (4-9, No. 25)
Here’s Louis Armstrong doing “When The Saints Go Marching In” and it’s so New Orleans that I am prepared to literally walk all the way to Coop’s for jambalaya right now.
27. Indianapolis Colts (4-8-1, No. 26)
The state of Indiana has given us so very little of value throughout the years, with one notable exception.
28. Los Angeles Rams (4-9, No. 29)
I haven’t been this surprised by a Baker since the time we caught ours sharing a bath with two other men — one of whom, I swear to God, was the guy from the butcher shop.
29. Arizona Cardinals (4-9, No. 28)
30. Denver Broncos (3-10, No. 30)
31. Chicago Bears (3-10, No. 31)
Unlike Indianapolis, there are a great number of choices for Chicago. This is the best choice, however, as we complete our musical tour of the NFL.
32. Houston Texans (1-11-1, No. 32)
The time they almost beat the Cowboys will be the centerpiece of the NFL Films TV show they make about their season.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox