Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (11-1, No. 2 ranking last week)
So the team that acquired the top-notch wide receiver proved to be better than the team that gave up the top-notch wide receiver? Weird.
2. Buffalo Bills (9-3, No. 4)
Yes but it’s not all good news …
3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-3, No. 1)
I’m trying to imagine a parallel to “you’re Patrick Mahomes … but you always lose to the Cincinnati Bengals.” Is it “she’s a 10 but if the temperature reaches over 102 she smells like an Arby’s bathroom?” I’ll keep workshopping it.
4. Dallas Cowboys (9-3, No. 5)
5. Minnesota Vikings (10-2, No. 6)
When the boys find out Franchy Cordero is in the fold …
6. San Francisco 49ers (8-4, No. 7)
This sets up an incredible opportunity for Brock Purdy to become the most accomplished “Mr. Irrelevant” since that kid at Perry Hall High School who was called that by all of the girls there and grew up to become semi-recognized internet personality Glenn Clark.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (8-4, No. 8)
And when you find out your favorite team missed out on the chance to sign Ofreidy Gomez.
8. Miami Dolphins (8-4, No. 3)
Losing to a third-string quarterback isn’t great, but I’m guessing nobody in Florida even noticed because … they were too busy attempting to steal from a Walmart that was hosting a “Shop With A Cop” event with 40 police officers inside the store.
9. Baltimore Ravens (8-4, No. 9)
This is so cool.
10. Washington Commanders (7-5-1, No. 10)
Congratulations to Jahan Dotson for scoring the late equalizer.
11. Seattle Seahawks (7-5, No. 15)
When “this is just like the last time. You said you weren’t bringing a date to the company party so we could hang out and not only did you bring her, you guys ignored the rest of us the entire night and left after 20 minutes and I could’ve brought my girl because she LOVES the food at Escalapada and …”
12. Tennessee Titans (7-5, No. 11)
I mean, haven’t we all broken up with a girl like an idiot thinking we could probably do better only to have the next girl break up with us and then the first girl invite us over to her house so we could watch her make out with her very handsome new boyfriend for three and a half hours?
13. New York Giants (7-4-1, No. 13)
But I think all New Yorkers can take solace knowing there’s still a chance the Giants could add their man. I mean, wouldn’t it be great news for all of them if the Giants ended up signing Aaron Judge?
14. New York Jets (7-5, No. 12)
It was 1 p.m. Kirk Cousins. It was always going to happen.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6, No. 17)
When you started writing power rankings earlier in the day assuming they would win but then finally decided to update the rankings when the Saints were up 13-3 and on their way to scoring another touchdown and then …
16. Las Vegas Raiders (5-7, No. 18)
17. Los Angeles Chargers (6-6, No. 14)
18. New England Patriots (6-6, No. 16)
Look man, I’m not trying to say I understand the struggle but I am an internet power rankings man who has to comb through an AWFUL lot of things when he searches the word “Patriots” on Twitter each week.
19. Cleveland Browns (5-7, No. 20)
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-7, No. 22)
Super awesome that we hit Steelers week in this exact moment. I’m feeling very confident about it. Everything is awesome.
21. Detroit Lions (5-7, No. 23)
Lots of excitement surrounding the Detroit Lions right now. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
22. Green Bay Packers (5-8, No. 25)
Congratulations to the Packers for their NFL record 787th consecutive win against the Bears win as a franchise.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8, No. 19)
Definitely not thinking at all about how the team that just shredded the Ravens in the fourth quarter turned around and got rocked 40-14 a week later. Definitely not thinking about that at all.
24. Atlanta Falcons (5-8, No. 21)
This definitely shapes up for them to stick it out with Marcus Mariota for one more week and then turn to Desmond Ridder just in time for their Week 15 opponent to find out whether Desmond Ridder might be a quarterback, doesn’t it?
25. New Orleans Saints (4-9, No. 24)
Saints gonna Falcon.
26. Indianapolis Colts (4-8-1, No. 26)
27. Carolina Panthers (4-8, No. 27)
This song is so North Carolina that I immediately take my shirt off out of habit every time I’m in the state.
28. Arizona Cardinals (4-8, No. 28)
This pains me because Jimmy Eat World is one of my favorite bands of all time, but there is truly no song more Arizona than this eternal gem …
29. Los Angeles Rams (3-9, No. 29)
If you’re a Rams fan looking for some good news … I dunno … cheddar bay shrimp?
30. Denver Broncos (3-9, No. 30)
31. Chicago Bears (3-10, No. 31)
This might be my favorite tweet ever for some reason.
32. Houston Texans (1-10-1, No. 32)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox