Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (5-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
On behalf of all of us who were drinking pumpkin spice bleach because we were outbid by Ryan Ripken for Sam LaPorta’s services on Waiver Wire Wednesday, thank you to the Eagles for remembering that Dallas Goedert is alive. I assume there are quite many of us in this camp. Now back to your regularly scheduled ass-pushing.
2. San Francisco 49ers (5-0, No. 2)
When you’re in the cast of the show “Dynasty.”
3. Kansas City Chiefs (4-1, No. 4)
And perhaps Rashee Rice is now emerging as a reliable wide receiver, which is good because the Kansas City Chiefs could really deserve a break, y’know?
4. Miami Dolphins (4-1, No. 5)
You laugh, but not all of us in Baltimore are doing this well after the sports weekend.
5. Detroit Lions (4-1, No. 7)
When you took an edible and watched some Harlem Globetrotters videos.
6. Buffalo Bills (3-2, No. 3)
When you’re watching the couple you went to dinner with scream at each other about who was supposed to get the mask for their son’s ninja costume …
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2, No. 12)
I assume this week’s game didn’t happen in Andy’s room because he came home and thought, “I’m 35, I can’t keep playing full-on football games with my toys anymore. I don’t love working for the patent office but damn it, there has to be a better way to spend my time since Sharon left me. Maybe I’ll join a flag football league. That would probably be healthier.”
8. Baltimore Ravens (3-2, No. 6)
Me when I get to the next season of “Suits” and they’re STILL doing the “Will they/won’t they” thing with Harvey and Donna.
9. Seattle Seahawks (3-1, No. 9)
Our bye week theme this year is “random celebrities.”
For example, perhaps the Seahawks spent their bye week hanging with former Barker’s Beauty Janice Pennington OR former Intercontinental champion Greg “The Hammer” Valentine or even the man with all of the sax appeal himself, Kenny G.
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1, No. 10)
Meanwhile, the Bucs could have spent their bye week chilling with NASCAR driver Aric Almirola, “The Machine” himself Bert Kreischer or actress Brittany Snow, who you may know better as the Barden Bellas’ own (and one half of “Bechloe”) Chloe Beale. Don’t pretend like you don’t know. She held Prince’s butt with one hand.
11. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2, No. 11)
I’m imagining the Chargers spent their bye week getting to know rap’s MVP “The Game,” three-time gold medalist Misty May-Treanor or “McLovin” himself, Christopher Mintz-Plasse.
12. Dallas Cowboys (3-2, No. 8)
“Whaddya mean, there are no tickets available to the Yankees’ playoff game?”
13. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3, No. 17)
Oh cool. The Ravens lost a game they had no business losing AND the Bengals might be the Bengals again? Sweet weekend.
14. New Orleans Saints (3-2, No. 18)
They’re not good but like, they’re good. They’re the Raising Canes of the NFL.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2, No. 21)
When you were really counting on being available for your buddies’ trip to Medellin next weekend.
16. Atlanta Falcons (3-2, No. 22)
I’ve never seen the original angle of this touchdown and I hope I never do.
17. Indianapolis Colts (3-2, No. 23)
Gaining Jonathan Taylor and losing Anthony Richardson is more of a mixed bag than trick or treating at your friend’s house on the other side of Philadelphia Road when you were a kid.
18. Houston Texans (2-3, No. 13)
I bet them to win outright. I’ll do it again against the Saints. I’m buying in.
And if you are too, you should use the code “GlennClark23” and sign up for up to $250 in a same day first bet match, win or lose at SuperBook. Or at least that’s the hot word on the street these days.
19. Los Angeles Rams (2-3, No. 14)
20. Cleveland Browns (2-2, No. 20)
If I were the Browns, I probably would have spent my bye week seeking out Blues Traveler frontman John Popper, afternoon talk king Phil Donahue or two-time WWE champion Dolph Ziggler.
21. Tennessee Titans (2-3, No. 16)
When you go back to work on a Monday after drinking at baseball games for 48 hours.
22. Las Vegas Raiders (2-3, No. 27)
I chose to watch baseball for much of the game but tuned in just in time to see them send Jimmy Garoppolo out to take a knee. You wouldn’t think that would be a very exciting part of a football game but, like, don’t tell that to a Miami Hurricanes fan.
23. Green Bay Packers (2-3, No. 15)
But perhaps while they were in Vegas they were able to catch the U2 show. A fella on YouTube edited together a bunch of videos of “The Fly” from The Sphere and the result is magic …
24. Washington Commanders (2-3, No. 19)
Ron Rivera holding on to Jack Del Rio …
25. New York Jets (2-3, No. 29)
Congratulations to the Jets for winning the 2023 Not Remotely Good But Defended The Honor Of Their Offensive Coordinator Who Really Was An Objectively Awful Head Coach Though Bowl, presented by Why Are We Talking So Much About This Horrendous Football Game dot com.
26. Arizona Cardinals (1-4, No. 24)
I mean, they’re definitely at the “don’t even play Kyler Murray when he comes back in order to try to protect as much trade value as possible” phase of this, right?
27. Minnesota Vikings (1-4, No. 25)
Danielle Hunter for Bryan Baker who says no?
28. Chicago Bears (1-4, No. 32)
Told you the Bears were #actuallygood. Had ’em the whole way.
29. New England Patriots (1-4, No. 26)
More like Bill’s (in) Hell-i-chick, emmirite?
30. New York Giants (1-4, No. 28)
Getting your butts kicked in Florida is always tough. The good news is that everyone in Florida was probably too busy, like, dumping more than 10,000 pounds of trash in the Keys to notice.
31. Denver Broncos (1-4, No. 30)
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5, No. 31)
We’re obviously not going to talk about the Panthers (unless it’s about trading Brian Burns to Baltimore). So instead let’s talk about these Girl Scout Cookie P.B. Bites that Skippy is releasing and please get them to me ASAPPPPPP.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox