Here are my power rankings for Week 5 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (4-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
I was today years old when I found out they call the “tush push” the “Brotherly Shove” in Philadelphia and, damn it, it’s the best name I’ve heard all year.
2. San Francisco 49ers (4-0, No. 2)
Christian McCaffrey finished with four touchdowns, or kind of a so-so week.
3. Buffalo Bills (3-1, No. 5)
Damar Hamlin played football this week and I’m not remotely kidding when I think SI should consider him as “Sportsperson of the Year.”
4. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1, No. 4)
When my wife asks “what’s this charge on our account” but it turns out she’s actually asking about the wings I picked up on the way home last night and I didn’t have to try to explain that we subscribed to an OnlyFans page “for work …”
5. Miami Dolphins (3-1, No. 3)
The good news for the Dolphins is that everyone in Florida was probably too busy “swinging their machetes around during disputes with some dude on a scooter who was apparently doing his best Matrix impression in order to avoid all of this” to even notice.
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-1, No. 6)
7. Detroit Lions (3-1, No. 7)
“Lions-Buccaneers was just flexed into the big national window by FOX” is a sentence I’ve read about as frequently as “Glenn Clark is really sharply dressed.”
8. Dallas Cowboys (3-1, No. 8)
Me when someone asks me why we said 1998 was the release year for the Lee Ann Womack song “I Hope You Dance” at Monday Night Trivia when the answer was clearly 2000.
9. Seattle Seahawks (3-1, No. 9)
When you’re the Broncos and you KEEP getting reminded about the Russell Wilson trade:
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1, No. 15)
But, like, really?
11. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2, No. 16)
What does Khalil Mack have in common with me (but specifically the one time I convinced my very high friends that we should go to White Castle because I had just seen “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle”)?
We both had six sacks.
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2, No. 18)
13. Houston Texans (2-2, No. 22)
Just like we all expected, the Ravens’ best win of the season.
14. Los Angeles Rams (2-2, No. 20)
Puka Nacua jerseys are reportedly sold out. So maybe “literally the NFL” doesn’t actually need Taylor Swift fans to survive?
15. Green Bay Packers (2-2, No. 10)
And next week it’s Packers-Raiders on “Monday Night Football” … so what IS Taylor Swift up to?
16. Tennessee Titans (2-2, No. 25)
But the weekend wasn’t quite as good for everyone else in Tennessee.
17. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3, No. 11)
This seems … not ideal.
18. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 12)
It would be best for them to not win a game and at least have a shot at drafting a quarterback but yeah, they’re gonna 8-9 the hell out of this, aren’t they?
19. Washington Commanders (2-2, No. 19)
The Commanders didn’t lose by a billion to a good football team, an occurrence so significant I believe they sell greeting cards to celebrate the moment in DC.
20. Cleveland Browns (2-2, No. 14)
Now look, I am not a football coach, man, but if I were, I’d probably suggest starting an actual NFL quarterback in an actual NFL game.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2, No. 13)
And Kenny Pickett may not play against the Ravens, which is good bad probably good but maybe bad I’m not sure, honestly. They might also not lose Pickett for any time, which could really come in (tiny) handy.
22. Atlanta Falcons (2-2, No. 17)
23. Indianapolis Colts (2-2, No. 21)
But the good news for the Colts is that they’re looking like a snack.
24. Arizona Cardinals (1-3, No. 23)
Kyler Murray would be eligible to return from PUP this week if that was something that someone would want.
25. Minnesota Vikings (1-3, No. 26)
What is the equivalent of throwing an interception, racing 70 yards the opposite direction only to be annihilated by a block and give up a touchdown anyway?
I feel like it might be “refusing to trade away a generational talent that could have landed you multiple game-changing pieces, giving up pieces that could have helped in the future to acquire players, falling on your ass again anyway, that generational player getting hurt and then signing with your rival anyway,” no?
So … Shohei Ohtani to the Astros confirmed?
26. New England Patriots (1-3, No. 24)
But they’re going to stick it out with Mac Jones, which feels like the dictionary definition of “there’s nowhere to go but up.”
27. Las Vegas Raiders (1-3, No. 27)
28. New York Giants (1-3, No. 28)
Kirk Cousins thinks Daniel Jones’ performances in prime-time are embarrassing.
29. New York Jets (1-3, No. 29)
Look man, even Kyle Boller had some good games. But yeah …
30. Denver Broncos (1-3, No. 31)
I genuinely believe this was their turning point en route to a four-win season.
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4, No. 30)
We could talk about the Panthers OR we could talk about how DiGiorno released a “pineapple pickle pizza” and you guys, if your neighborhood joint ain’t making its own, it’s time to reconsider its place in your life.
32. Chicago Bears (0-4, No. 32)
But the good news is for Detroit and Cleveland fans, as there is a genuine chance that the record for the most losses in a single season will be broken this year.
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