Here are my power rankings for Week 10 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (8-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Ooh … this controversy is scandalous. I know another assistant coach couldn’t handle it.
LET ME SEE THAT …
2. Baltimore Ravens (7-2, No. 2)
Me, looking at the weather forecast for the week.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-2, No. 3)
Perhaps while on bye in Jacksonville you could ride the train with C.C. Lemonhead from the “Quad City DJ’s,” spend some time with “America’s Top Model” winner Yoanna House or shoot the sh*t with nine-game Orioles legend Ryan Freel.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (7-2, No. 5)
The government distracted us with Taylor Swift to prevent us from recognizing that the Chiefs play defense now.
5. Cincinnati Bengals (5-3, No. 9)
They’re scary. Like “Victor Wembanyama anywhere within 20 feet of a basketball” scary.
6. Detroit Lions (6-2, No. 6)
If you had a bye week in Detroit, you might be “so excited” to spend time with Jessie Spano herself, Elizabeth Berkley, check in with one-time Orioles Opening Day starter Pat Hentgen or participate in recreational activities with D12 rapper “Bizarre,” who I believe got his name based on the reaction that people got to the news that he is still with us.
7. Miami Dolphins (6-3, No. 4)
They have as many wins against good teams as Michigan. And Maryland.
8. Dallas Cowboys (5-3, No. 8)
Came up a bit short in a big game, huh? Weird.
9. Seattle Seahawks (5-3, No. 7)
Snot Boogie had more pleasant trips to Baltimore.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (4-4, No. 12)
Congratulations to Keenan Allen for passing 10,000 career yards, or one for every time you’ve thought “shouldn’t they be better than this?”
11. San Francisco 49ers (5-3, No. 11)
With a bye week in San Fran, you might be in the Mood to say hello to 24kGoldn, chill with actor Rider Strong (who honestly should have been knighted by now for his portrayal of Shawn Hunter on “Boy Meets World”) or perhaps receive a stinkface from WWE Hall of Famer Rikishi.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-3, No. 14)
I mean, you know it was happening.
13. New Orleans Saints (5-4, No. 15)
Are the Saints particularly good? No.
Are they in a very easy division where they should be able to coast to the playoffs where anything could happen and end up making a Super Bowl run? Also no. But the first half seemed legit.
14. Buffalo Bills (5-4, No. 10)
Their run game is roughly as effective as my kidneys.
15. Cleveland Browns (5-3, No. 16)
Them: “Hey Glenn, what’s a reason that you’re not all that worked up about the Browns’ win but also make it the name of a game show?”
Me: (Fumbles over possible variations of names for three full moments before finally blurting out something about Deshaun Watson still being the “Weakest Link.”)
Them: “Jesus, man. It was ‘Name That Tune.’ This was a layup.”
16. Minnesota Vikings (5-4, No. 18)
Everybody’s talking like it’s a big deal that Josh Dobbs didn’t know his teammates’ names like I didn’t win years worth of flip cup games in the exact same circumstances. Not that big of a deal. I only asked for a statue once.
17. Houston Texans (4-4, No. 20)
18. New York Jets (4-4, No. 13)
When your wife sends you to the grocery store for like two things so you decide to treat yourself to like eight or nine more things and you get to the register and remember that you have to pay for shopping bags now.
19. Tennessee Titans (3-5, No. 17)
Cool that they held on to Derrick Henry though. They might have been 3-5 without him.
20. Las Vegas Raiders (4-5, No. 24)
I hope that one day you’ll find someone who loves you as much as Josh McDaniels loves being a truly horrendous football coach or the Las Vegas Raiders love not being coached by Josh McDaniels.
21. Atlanta Falcons (4-5, No. 19)
You guys remember when they used a first-round pick on a running back?
And by “you guys,” I mean “the Atlanta Falcons.”
22. Denver Broncos (3-5, No. 22)
A bye week in Denver could mean spending time with social media influencer (and apparently DJ?) Sommer Ray, actress who you know you know but you don’t actually know if you know AnnaSophia Robb or thundering former USC running back LenDale White.
23. Indianapolis Colts (4-5, No. 27)
24. Washington Commanders (4-5, No. 28)
Watching my Commander fan friends walk the line between “I know this needs to be ripped the rest of the way apart so it’s best they just lose all of their games and fire Ron Rivera and everything” and “yeah but like, maybe Sam Howell might be a thing and that’s literally the most hope we’ve had at the position other than six weeks of RG3” has been kinda fascinating.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-5, No. 21)
The good news for the Bucs is that no one in Florida likely even noticed because they were all too busy getting tickets for their fake Border Patrol trucks that instead literally say “Booty Patrol” and I have no choice but to respect it.
26. Green Bay Packers (3-5, No. 31)
You think I’m gonna spend time talking about the Packers beating Brett Rypien? In a world where we could instead talk about DiGiorno’s new Thanksgiving Pizza? Please get me one.
27. Los Angeles Rams (3-6, No. 23)
And honestly, how surprised do you think Brett Rypien was to find out he was the backup quarterback for an NFL team? Like when he got the call, do you think he was getting ready to talk to a guy about some whitewalls at the body shop where he was working?
28. New England Patriots (2-7, No. 25)
Can’t believe no one made an offer for Mac Jones at the deadline.
29. New York Giants (2-7, No. 26)
Tommy DeVito HAS to be a made up New York/New Jersey quarterback. I mean, between Billy Joel, Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen, there have to be at least seven songs written about someone named “Tommy DeVito,” no?
30. Carolina Panthers (1-7, No. 29)
Coming up on Thursday night, Panthers-Bears. Or as I’m starting to be more and more convinced, “an intervention for America.”
31. Chicago Bears (2-7, No. 30)
What I thought the Bears could be vs. what they are
32. Arizona Cardinals (1-8, No. 32)
I mean, holy sh*t.