Here are my power rankings for Week 9 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
Like, I wanna discredit them because they struggled against the Commanders but, you know, the Ravens weren’t all that impressive, the Chiefs lost and Maryland came up short. It was a tough week for all of the powerhouses.
2. Baltimore Ravens (6-2, No. 3)
It’s like we all said before the season. When you have Geno Stone, Brandon Stephens and Michael Pierce, you’re probably going to have the best defense in the NFL.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-2, No. 4)
I mean, I guess I have to be a Jaguars fan now? What a time to be alive.
4. Miami Dolphins (6-2, No. 5)
When you remember a new season of “Shoresy” dropped this weekend.
5. Kansas City Chiefs (6-2, No. 1)
“That wide receiving corps is trash.”
– Those of us who have watched the (checks notes) Baltimore Ravens for the last three decades
6. Detroit Lions (6-2, No. 7)
Signs are again pointing to the Lions being legit.
I mean, they can’t actually display those signs because they’re in Michigan and they don’t want them to be stolen but they do exist.
7. Seattle Seahawks (5-2, No. 8)
Leonard Williams with the Seattle defense? Zoe Kravitz and Channing Tatum think this is an attractive marriage.
8. Dallas Cowboys (5-2, No. 9)
Creed is relevant and the Cowboys MIGHT not be completely fraudulent? I assume President Clinton also has the economy humming and we’re all very excited about what Albert Belle might do as an Oriole, too?
9. Cincinnati Bengals (4-3, No. 10)
They’re back. Not “Texas is back” back. Like John Wick “I’m thinking I’m back” back.
10. Buffalo Bills (5-3, No. 11)
Josh Allen is 6-0 on “Thursday Night Football.” He’s the most reliable part of Thursday nights since the writing staff of “30 Rock.”
11. San Francisco 49ers (5-3, No. 6)
They are, as of this moment, still the third favorite to win the Super Bowl. Which seems … really odd, no?
12. Los Angeles Chargers (3-4, No. 17)
Imagine if the Chargers were as good as their social media team.
13. New York Jets (4-3, No. 18)
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3, No. 12)
Pity.
15. New Orleans Saints (4-4, No. 21)
I’m typing this at 11:30 p.m. on Monday night. By the time you see it Tuesday morning, there’s a nonzero chance Davante Adams has already forced his way back here with his buddy Derek Carr.
16. Cleveland Browns (4-3, No. 14)
This is low-key electric.
17. Tennessee Titans (3-4, No. 25)
I mean, I guess I understand the Titans feeling the need to hold on to Derrick Henry just in case Will Levis might be for real but like, he’s probably going to through for five picks next week now, right? That’s kinda how this goes?
18. Minnesota Vikings (4-4, No. 19)
But like, Creed announces a tour and suddenly Kirk Cousins has a bunch of time off? We sure this is a coincidence?
19. Atlanta Falcons (4-4, No. 15)
Moving from Desmond Ridder to Taylor Heinicke is absolutely the correct decision to give them their best chance at winning eight games instead of seven.
20. Houston Texans (3-4, No. 13)
This is … actually a hell of an idea.
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4, No. 16)
The good news for the Bucs is that I don’t think anyone in Florida even noticed because they were probably too busy, like, thinking they could somehow get away with stealing $1.6 million worth of alcohol from a warehouse or something.
22. Denver Broncos (3-5, No. 29)
Tip your cap.
23. Los Angeles Rams (3-5, No. 20)
Oh no baby what is you doin?
24. Las Vegas Raiders (3-5, No. 22)
When someone, in the year 2023, is still giving out Almond Joys.
25. New England Patriots (2-6, No. 23)
26. New York Giants (2-6, No. 24)
The Giants had SEVEN total passing yards on Sunday, or one for every time I thought “there’s no way that’s right” in the past 24 hours.
27. Indianapolis Colts (3-5, No. 26)
When my schedule won’t allow me to decorate for Christmas for another 10 days.
28. Washington Commanders (3-5, No. 27)
Obviously we’re not going to spend any time talking about Washington. But we can talk about this GEORGE Washington sketch from SNL. Flawless.
29. Carolina Panthers (1-6, No. 32)
No word on whether the ’08 Lions or ’17 Browns gathered to pop bottles.
30. Chicago Bears (2-6, No. 28)
“And here we see Cris Collinsworth lining up another ‘But Tyson Bagent’ take with the Bears trailing by 17 and Bagent fresh off another interception …”
31. Green Bay Packers (2-5, No. 30)
It’s not all bad news for the folks in Wisconsin though. I mean, they WERE treated to the singular greatest moment in music history …
32. Arizona Cardinals (1-7, No. 31)
Since we’re also obviously not going to talk about the Cardinals, can we talk about how there’s a Chick-Fil-A in College Park now that serves wings and burgers and, no, really.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox