Here are my power rankings for Week 12 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (9-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The theme this week is, “What are they thankful for?”
Like for example, that this man’s belly button can tell us how many second-half points they allowed to the Chiefs.
2. Detroit Lions (8-2, No. 3)
That we’re only three days away from not having to see another promo for a Jack Harlow halftime show that not one of us will be watching.
3. Dallas Cowboys (7-3, No. 4)
That DaRon Bland (four pick-sixes!) is even cooler than this cowboy:
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-3, No. 5)
That Mark Andrews has at least as much of a chance to return as Lloyd did to end up with Mary Swanson.
5. Kansas City Chiefs (7-3, No. 2)
That it’s all good that they didn’t really invest at wide receiver because everyone knows a good quarterback can just make his wide receivers magically better.
6. San Francisco 49ers (7-3, No. 6)
That Brock Purdy was to passer ratings this week what pecan pie is to Thanksgiving desert.
7. Miami Dolphins (7-3, No. 7)
That they and dopes who played him in fantasy this week (hi, dope here) were able to get all of those yards from him before he got hurt again.
8. Cleveland Browns (7-3, No. 9)
That they play a captivating brand of football.
And that 31 other teams apparently had no interest in learning about our lord and savior.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3, No. 12)
That Calvin Ridley apparently did not perish.
10. Houston Texans (6-4, No. 13)
That their helmets are only like the seventh or eighth-coolest thing about them now.
11. Buffalo Bills (6-5, No. 15)
That the Chargers and Bengals appear to have no interest and/or no luck.
12. Seattle Seahawks (6-4, No. 8)
That they, or if Mike Pence has the courage to do the right thing, can prevent us from having to witness Drew Lock play quarterback again.
13. Denver Broncos (5-5, No. 20)
That the majority of the league is just wonderfully mid enough for them to be here.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4, No. 11)
That someone was capable of perfectly capturing the story.
15. Minnesota Vikings (6-5, No. 14)
That “Passtronaut” is still the coolest nickname in sports since Joakim “The Mexicutioner” Soria.
16. Cincinnati Bengals (5-5, No. 10)
That there’s always next year.
17. New Orleans Saints (5-5, No. 17)
That we might be blessed with more of the Jameis Winston experience in our lives.
And if you had a bye week in New Orleans, you could spend it with Sixers wing Kelly Oubre Jr., “NCIS” actress Pauly Perrette (Abby … the one with the hair) or back your azz up with rapper Juvenile.
18. Los Angeles Chargers (4-6, No. 16)
That Brandon Staley is staying so cool under pressure.
19. Indianapolis Colts (5-5, No. 19)
The same thing I said about the Broncos.
And you could spend a bye week in Indianapolis by hanging with “Double Dare” host Marc Summers, two-time second-team North Carolina All-American Eric Montross or the founder of Chipotle Mexican Grill, Steve Ells.
20. Las Vegas Raiders (5-6, No. 18)
That they didn’t have to be home during the Las Fyre Festival Grand Prix.
21. Los Angeles Rams (4-6, No. 27)
That Kyren Williams is back just in time for me to be angry about him disappointing me, too.
22. Green Bay Packers (4-6, No. 28)
That someone else was capable of perfectly encapsulating THEIR story, too.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6, No. 21)
That no one in Florida likely even noticed because they were all too busy … pooping on dead possums during rush hour traffic or something.
24. Atlanta Falcons (4-6, No. 24)
That this would be a great week for some lemon pepper turkey wings.
And if your bye week was in Atlanta, you could chill with actor Kip Pardue (Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass in “Remember the Titans”), U.S. Open semifinalist Ben Shelton or rapper Lil Jon. You know, if that’s … OKAYYYYY.
25. New York Jets (4-6, No. 22)
That Aaron Rodgers will be back just in time to help put the finishing touches on a 6-11 season.
26. Tennessee Titans (3-7, No. 23)
That they smartly held on to Derrick Henry. I mean, they might be 3-7 without him.
27. New York Giants (3-8, No. 31)
That mom made the victory arancini.
28. Washington Commanders (4-7, No. 25)
That embarrassing things like, I dunno, not having water in the showers, hypothetically, should probably stop happening just as soon as they get a new owne…
29. Arizona Cardinals (2-9, No. 26)
That their second-half offense is basically just as good as the Chiefs’! Really!
30. New England Patriots (2-8, No. 30)
That it’ll ALL be over soon.
And with a bye week in Boston, you’d have plenty of time to say to Agent Coulson himself Clark Gregg, gymnastics silver medalist Alicia Sacramone or Danny Wood … who is the New Kid on the Block whose name you couldn’t remember for the life of you.
31. Chicago Bears (3-8, No. 29)
That they had a pretty good weekend. I mean, they almost won a game!
32. Carolina Panthers (1-9, No. 32)
Nothing.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox