Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
You’ll remember that for bye weeks this year, we’re celebrating the best TV shows or movies set in a particular city. Admittedly, not a ton set in KC specifically. But if you stretch it out to Missouri proper …
2. Minnesota Vikings (5-0, record, No. 2)
I know it’s blasphemous to choose this over “Fargo,” “Purple Rain” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” but I’m a 41-year-old man. Quack quack.
3. Detroit Lions (4-1, No. 3)
We totally got this, right fellow young people?
4. Houston Texans (5-1, No. 4)
The Texans are moving into “so good they’re actually boring” territory.
5. Baltimore Ravens (4-2, No. 5)
6. Green Bay Packers (4-2, No. 9)
When you’ve had six or seven beers and absolutely anything at all happens.
7. Atlanta Falcons (4-2, No. 8)
It indeed appears as though “all they needed was a competent quarterback.”
8. Washington Commanders (4-2, No. 6)
Hey. Yeah. This.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2, No. 10)
Shoutout to Calvert Hall’s own Sean Tucker, who finished 192 total yards and two touchdowns against the Saints and no, I’m sure he won’t be at all extra juiced for a matchup with the Ravens.
10. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 11)
Congratulations to the Bills for “winning” the “football game!”
11. San Francisco 49ers (3-3, No. 12)
When you find out that Navy is finally in the Top 25.
12. Chicago Bears (4-2, No. 14)
When you’re still trying to get the “Chicago Bears” out of your system.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2, No. 15)
When, truth be told, you’ve reached peak Philadelphia.
14. Los Angeles Chargers (3-2, No. 17)
Glad you’re doing well, brother Harbaugh. May I suggest more milk?
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2, No. 16)
“Oh cool, Jets-Steelers is the Sunday night game this week. I’m really looking forward to that,” said no one.
16. Cincinnati Bengals (2-4, No. 21)
When you find out the new season of “What We Do in the Shadows” starts next week.
17. Dallas Cowboys (3-3, No. 7)
Really neat how the Cowboys honored their favorite band “Blur” after the game though.
18. Denver Broncos (3-3, No. 13)
OK, but this was dope.
19. Seattle Seahawks (3-3, No. 18)
But like, the Ravens still definitely have the wrong coach though, right?
20. Indianapolis Colts (3-3, No. 25)
21. New Orleans Saints (2-4, No. 19)
You guys remember the Saints? From a month ago?
22. Arizona Cardinals (2-4, No. 20)
Trusting the Cardinals after a big win is about as sensible as trusting that you’re going to get a ride home after you wandered into a farm near Coachella for a rally.
23. New York Jets (2-4, No. 22)
It could be worse. They could have fired their head coach just to be exactly as dreadful as they were before.
24. Miami Dolphins (2-3, No. 24)
Only one choice for the bye week in Miami, a film literally about the Dolphins.
25. New York Giants (2-4, No. 23)
Who do you think they’ll try to be “their Sam Darnold” next year? I’m thinking Trey Lance.
26. Las Vegas Raiders (2-4, No. 26)
When you’re in Indianapolis for work and you find out your family went to Weber’s and didn’t bring you back ANY apples or apple butter. Hypothetically.
27. Tennessee Titans (1-4, No. 27)
You: I’m just not sure Will Levis has that killer instinct.
Will Levis: I’ll show you.
28. Los Angeles Rams (1-4, No. 28)
I know I said I’d use “Die Hard” for both Los Angeles bye weeks but I totally forgot that “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” was also set in LA so maybe they learned about Cuba during the bye week …
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5, No. 29)
The good news for the Jaguars is that no one in Florida likely noticed because they were too busy … narrowly avoiding death while having heart attacks in the midst of getting lap dances from their topless maids … or something … to even notice.
30. Carolina Panthers (1-5, No. 30)
There are things that I can do. Making the Panthers interesting is not one of those things.
31. Cleveland Browns (1-5, No. 31)
I feel like we’re somehow burying the lede here. I mean, how is it humanly possible that there were eight quarterbacks worse than Deshaun Watson???
32. New England Patriots (1-5, No. 32)
Nice to see moribund franchises like the (checks notes) New England Patriots get to experience something at least minimally interesting like a rookie quarterback not looking like total and complete garbage.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox