Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
As a nation, the dude who made this tackle owes us reparations.
2. Minnesota Vikings (5-0, No. 2)
3. Detroit Lions (3-1, No. 3)
For bye weeks this year, we will celebrate scenes from movies and TV shows set in the respective cities. For example, with respect to “8 Mile” and “Freaks and Geeks,” the Motor City’s greatest contribution to moving pictures is coming to Netflix soon.
4. Houston Texans (4-1, No. 4)
When your buddy is telling everyone as he’s leaving that he’ll be at Joe’s open mic thing on Saturday night but you already know he’s going to feign being sick and not show up.
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-2, No. 5)
This guy rules.
6. Washington Commanders (4-1, No. 8)
I’m not even sure the Commanders can screw this up.
7. Dallas Cowboys (3-2, No. 12)
Congratulations to Dak Prescott for making history as the first quarterback to throw interceptions in the same game on different days.
8. Atlanta Falcons (3-2, No. 13)
When the guy at the bar plays “My Sacrifice” and “With Arms Wide Open” back-to-back on the TouchTunes.
9. Green Bay Packers (3-2, No. 14)
Or are they?
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2, No. 7)
Stay safe, Tampa.
11. Buffalo Bills (3-2, No. 6)
Adult humans who went to see the second “Joker” this weekend think Sean McDermott’s decision-making is questionable.
12. San Francisco 49ers (2-3, No. 9)
I swear they’re better than this. I swear it.
13. Denver Broncos (3-2, No. 18)
I guess they know now.
14. Chicago Bears (3-2, No. 22)
People are noticing.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2, No. 15)
So if we’re celebrating Philadelphia’s contributions to motion pictures, obviously we’d choose something from “Rocky” I-IV or “Rocky” VI-IX. OR from Philadelphia’s truly greatest contribution to television.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2, No. 11)
Pity.
17. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2, No. 17)
Yes, I’m picking “Die Hard.” And I’ll probably pick it again when it’s time for the Rams. Because it’s “Die Hard.” This shouldn’t be difficult. NSFW.
18. Seattle Seahawks (3-2, No. 10)
So like, Mike Macdonald is still gonna win like the next 10 Super Bowls, right? ‘Cause like, you guys were saying.
19. New Orleans Saints (2-3, No. 16)
Still, we need to talk more about Khalen Saunders.
20. Arizona Cardinals (2-3, No. 25)
You see, this makes sense because … literally nothing in the NFL makes sense.
21. Cincinnati Bengals (1-4, No. 21)
But at least they’re handling it well. (NSFW)
22. New York Jets (2-3, No. 19)
When you find out that stuff you bought from Alex Jones doesn’t actually prevent aging.
23. New York Giants (2-3, No. 29)
Daniel Jones has not been the worst quarterback in the NFL in the last couple of weeks. Congratulations to the Giants for the best thing that’s happened for them in the last decade.
24. Miami Dolphins (2-3, No. 28)
If you think you’re having a difficult week.
25. Indianapolis Colts (2-3, No. 20)
We live in a polarizing time in our country where things are so batshit that we’re fighting about whether the government can control the weather and literally the only thing that all Americans can agree gives them joy is … watching Joe Flacco play football.
26. Las Vegas Raiders (2-3, No. 23)
Some of us you, definitely not me, bet American dollars on this person.
27. Tennessee Titans (1-3, No. 27)
I can’t tell you I ever watched “Nashville” so I’m going to have to expand it out to the rest of Tennessee. Apparently “Cocaine Bear” was actually set in Georgia but the story started in Tennessee so we’re rolling with it because it was fun as well. Also NSFW.
28. Las Angeles Rams (1-4, No. 24)
Blake Corum (Saint Frances) finally got some run this week. So they have that going for them.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4, No. 32)
30. Carolina Panthers (1-4, No. 26)
I, for one, am absolutely gobsmacked that Andy Dalton could not be the savior of the 2024 Panthers.
31. Cleveland Browns (1-4, No. 30)
Congratulations to Browns fans, for whom this must be as familiar and comfortable as a warm blanket.
32. New England Patriots (1-4, No. 31)
They have all of the bigger problems but like, the NFL should fix this.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox