Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. Detroit Lions (11-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
This is a bit of a tradition. This week we’ll suggest what each team should be asking Santa for this Christmas this year.
For example, “the Packers to hire Matt Eberflus.”
2. Buffalo Bills (10-2, No. 2)
For this psychopath to not get hypothermia.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (11-1, No. 3)
To finally catch a break for a change, emmirite?
4. Philadelphia Eagles (10-2, No. 4)
Just more of it, really. Just more of everything.
5. Green Bay Packers (9-3, No. 5)
Either a win against the Lions OR the right to swap divisions in December.
6. Minnesota Vikings (10-2, No. 6)
For the quarterback to be allowed to push off the inevitable pumpkin-ing for a few more weeks.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3, No. 8)
To make sure the Western Pennsylvania stores don’t run out of smoke and/or mirrors.
8. Denver Broncos (8-5, No. 9)
More fun football games. Maybe not THAT fun, though.
9. Baltimore Ravens (8-5, No. 7)
For Lamar Jackson’s mom to have some words with the special teams department next.
10. Seattle Seahawks (7-5, No. 11)
All of the oxygen a man needs after the thiccest six.
11. Los Angeles Chargers (8-4, No. 12)
Another couple of games against Kirk Cousins if possible.
12. Houston Texans (8-5, No. 14)
Maybe their players to stop attempting to decapitate opposing quarterbacks.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6, No. 15)
Something reasonable. Like … Mike Evans to be able to keep doing this for another couple of decades.
14. Los Angeles Rams (6-6, No. 16)
Perhaps a little bit of clarity about whether they’re actually good or not.
15. Washington Commanders (8-5, No. 17)
Any sort of potion or whatever that can make you forget that November happened.
16. Miami Dolphins (5-7, No. 10)
A (much, much, much, much, much, much, much) better cold weather plan.
17. Arizona Cardinals (6-6, No. 13)
To at least be allowed to delay the inevitable.
18. Indianapolis Colts (6-7, No. 23)
Good Anthony Richardson to shove Bad Anthony Richardson in a locker for a while.
19. Atlanta Falcons (6-6, No. 18)
Right now? Michael Penix Jr.
20. San Francisco 49ers (5-7, No. 19)
A global collection of PCLs that can be shipped to the Bay Area immediately and fused together to form a Super PCL.
21. Cleveland Browns (3-9, No. 20)
To be even a little cheekier even if they’re gonna suck anyway.
22. New Orleans Saints (4-8, No. 21)
Now that they’re 4-8 AND Taysom Hill is hurt? For the league to go ahead and call it a season.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (4-8, No. 22)
For Mike Vrabel to really wanna stick in Ohio after all.
24. Tennessee Titans (3-9, No. 24)
Something else to talk about.
25. Dallas Cowboys (4-8, No. 25)
Like a finder’s fee or something?
26. New York Jets (3-9, No. 26)
To wake up and learn that this was all a dream.
27. Chicago Bears (4-8, No. 27)
Belichick.
28. New England Patriots (3-10, No. 28)
Also Belichick?
29. Carolina Panthers (3-9, No. 29)
For Bryce Young to continue to be at least this watchable.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10, No. 30)
That everyone in Florida continues to be too busy (unsuccessfully) trying to avoid helicopter pursuits by attempting to escape through draining pipes … or something … to notice.
31. New York Giants (2-10, No. 31)
A shoulder to cry on.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-10, No. 32)
A way to avoid the inevitability of Sam Darnold being their quarterback next year and being Sam Darnold again.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox