Here are my power rankings for Week 13 of the NFL season.
1. Detroit Lions (10-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Our Thanksgiving week tradition is to go over what each team should be thankful for. So we’ll do that for all the teams that weren’t on a bye this week.
Like for the Lions: literally everything.
2. Buffalo Bills (9-2, No. 2)
I guess it’s technically Niagara and not Buffalo proper, but we were always going Canadian Bacon for bye week.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (10-1, No. 3)
They should be thankful that witch doctor was willing to trade them 100 one-score victories in exchange for one their souls or whatever the deal was.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (9-2, No. 4)
For Saquon Barkley, who is costing them $5 million less this year than the Jerry Jeudy costs the Browns.
5. Green Bay Packers (8-3, No. 6)
For it being the Jets’ problem.
6. Minnesota Vikings (9-2, No. 7)
That by next week, no one will remember how regulation ended.
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4, No. 8)
That Derrick Henry is good at this.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3, No. 5)
That they probably won’t have to play in cold weather conditions again this year still have that home voodoo going for them.
9. Denver Broncos (7-5, No. 12)
That no one seems to recognize that Courtland Sutton is very good and like, no one else is.
10. Miami Dolphins (5-6, No. 15)
That they are a dramatically different team with their quarterback, who is still, as of the moment I type this, playing football.
11. Seattle Seahawks (6-5, No. 16)
That they’re the best team in their division and it’s not even one of those “because the division is so bad” things.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (7-4, No. 10)
That only a few people have it better than them.
13. Arizona Cardinals (6-5, No. 9)
That it’s not like you can really be let down when you’re a fan of the Arizona Cardinals.
14. Houston Texans (7-5, No. 11)
That it PROBABLY won’t matter.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-6, No. 19)
That Baker didn’t tire himself out from being WAAAAY over the top with this.
16. Los Angeles Rams (5-6, No. 13)
That they won’t have to face Saquon Barkley again … at least until the postseason.
17. Washington Commanders (7-5, No. 14)
That despite a crushing home loss to a pathetic team starting a quarterback who isn’t NFL quality, this is still the happiest the majority of their fans have been in their life.
18. Atlanta Falcons (6-5, No. 18)
Imagine thinking the bye week scene would be anything other than “Lemon Pepper Wet.”
19. San Francisco 49ers (5-6, No. 17)
That Daniel Jones (potentially) is better than Brandon Allen. (But definitely not good enough that you would have felt confident he would beat the Packers.)
20. Cleveland Browns (3-8, No. 25)
That if you’re gonna be awful, at least you get this.
21. New Orleans Saints (4-7, No. 21)
I know it’s absurd to make “Come On Be My Baby Tonight” the clip for a city as culturally significant as New Orleans, but if you don’t get why I’m making it “Come On Be My Baby Tonight,” it just means you weren’t outside during “Come On Be My Baby Tonight.”
22. Cincinnati Bengals (4-7, No. 22)
THIS is the week that we need a bye week clip for Cincinnati? What are the odds???
23. Indianapolis Colts (5-7, No. 20)
That every time Anthony Richardson drops back to throw, there’s a 1 in 2 chance it reaches the destination!
24. Tennessee Titans (3-8, No. 28)
That they’re legitimately alive in the AFC South race despite legitimately stinking.
25. Dallas Cowboys (4-7, No. 29)
That deep within their hearts, they’re still the Redskins.
26. New York Jets (3-8, No. 26)
Honestly, I wanted to make this week nothing but “Catch Me If You Can” clips from various stops, but apparently Frank Abignale didn’t spend enough time in Cincinnati or Jacksonville.
27. Chicago Bears (4-7, No. 24)
That maybe Mike Vrabel will be such a hot commodity that they can swoop in and snag Ben Johnson.
28. New England Patriots (3-9, No. 23)
That the previous 20 years still happened.
29. Carolina Panthers (3-8, No. 27)
That the Chiefs NEVER cover big numbers, you guys.
(Sorry, that’s what I’m thankful for. But still.)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9, No. 30)
Moving pictures have given us nothing more Jacksonville than Jason Mendoza.
31. New York Giants (2-9, No. 31)
That apparently “being Italian” is enough to make everyone forget “and not good at football” is also a thing.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-9, No. 32)
That it’ll be over soon.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox