Here are my power rankings for Week 17 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (14-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
This week is simple. Are they on the naughty or nice list and why?
For example, NICE because 22 years ago, a prophet came down to tell us something we needed to hear:
2. Minnesota Vikings (13-2, No. 3)
They of course are on the NICE list, but certain people are on the NAUGHTY list because of them.
Still, NICE. Definitely NICE. And I totally knew what “Camp Rock” was when I saw this.
3. Buffalo Bills (12-3, No. 4)
NAUGHTY because going from “our quarterback is an American hero” to “we weren’t really even trying” after an unimpressive win is just the absolute must.
4. Detroit Lions (13-2, No. 5)
NICE because Jahmyr Gibbs is helping make Christmas a little brighter in the Clark household.
5. Green Bay Packers (11-4, No. 5)
NICE because, yeah, we all have eyes.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (12-3, No. 2)
NAUGHTY because they forced Kenny Pickett back into our lives.
7. Baltimore Ravens (10-5, No. 9)
NICE because celebrities, they’re just like us!
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-5, No. 7)
NAUGHTY because they picked the wrong time for this but also NICE because may it continue.
9. Los Angeles Rams (9-6, No. 10)
NAUGHTY because Cooper Kupp has more or less DeVondre Campbell’ed his fantasy football teammates the last couple of weeks.
10. Washington Commanders (10-5, No. 14)
NICE because you guys, it’s Washington. Beating Kenny Pickett IS worthy of this type of celebration.
11. Los Angeles Chargers (9-6, No. 15)
NICE because this was the most electric moment of the season.
12. Denver Broncos (9-6, No. 8)
Also NICE because they conspired to give us that moment.
13. Houston Texans (9-6, No. 11)
I mean, they’re choosing to employ Diontae Johnson so NAUGHTY.
14. Atlanta Falcons (8-7, No. 17)
In general NAUGHTY but we reserve the right to readdress the Michael Penix Falcons more specifically.
15. Seattle Seahawks (8-7, No. 13)
Even Santa isn’t sure. They’re probably better than they have any business being but they’re not actually good. Still, they lost a football game to the New York Giants this season so NAUGHTY.
16. Miami Dolphins (7-8, No. 18)
On behalf of all Tyreek Hill fantasy owners, NAUGHTY.
17. Cincinnati Bengals (7-8, No. 21)
Maybe it should be the other one but they’re giving us more chances to watch Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase and as long as they don’t sneak back into the playoffs, that’s NICE.
18. Dallas Cowboys (7-8, No. 22)
Is there a PURGATORY list? Because obviously the answer has to be NICE given the circumstances but big picture is it actually helpful?
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-7, No. 12)
There should be like a double NAUGHTY list for a team that loses to Cooper Rush with their postseason lives at stake.
20. Indianapolis Colts (7-8, No. 20)
They’ll sneak onto the NICE list for remembering how to hold a football when no one is trying to take it away from them.
21. Arizona Cardinals (7-8, No. 16)
NAUGHTY of course but familiarly naughty at least.
22. San Francisco 49ers (6-9, No. 19)
NAUGHTY except for Deebo Samuel. Thank you Deebo.
23. Carolina Panthers (4-11, No. 30)
NICE because it’s super weird how a team with four wins has been one of the more fun teams in the league this season.
24. New Orleans Saints (5-10, No. 23)
NAUGHTY. I need not say more.
25. New York Jets (4-11, No. 24)
NAUGHTY on the field but obviously heroic and getting to the bottom of what their fans truly care about off of it. I can only imagine how proud Jets fans must be of the man.
26. Cleveland Browns (3-12, No. 25)
Denying us more Jameis content? As NAUGHTY as it gets.
27. Las Vegas Raiders (3-12, No. 32)
Obviously NAUGHTY despite what our prophet Herm Edwards would say. You can’t win that game. What a disaster.
28. Tennessee Titans (3-12, No. 27)
Irrelevantly NAUGHTY.
29. New England Patriots (3-12, No. 28)
Strangely NICE? Like, they’re awful but they at least seem to have some direction and that’s gotta feel good for a moribund franchise like the New England Patriots.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-12, No. 26)
For draft reasons, absolutely NICE. And no one in Florida likely even noticed anyway because they were too busy waving their machetes around while acting like assholes in traffic … or something.
31. Chicago Bears (4-11, No. 30)
Historically NAUGHTY.
32. New York Giants (2-13, No. 31)
Sure, they’re in line for the No. 1 pick but also they’re the New York Giants so they’ll probably screw it up. NAUGHTY.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox