Here are my power rankings for Week 4 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (3-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
I can’t believe Joe Davis missed the chance to call it a “thicc” cake here.
2. Buffalo Bills (3-0, No. 2)
Look at their schedule. Start pulling out your parka for a trip in January.
3. Los Angeles Chargers (3-0, No. 6)
This was exactly as sick as everyone thought it was.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-0, No. 8)
You ever see something on the internet that everyone seems to be paying attention to and you know it’s content but like, is it funny? Is it wild? Is it cake? What is it? Todd Bowles gave us that this week.
5. Green Bay Packers (2-1, No. 3)
Sure, they didn’t get the right result. But it’s hard to blame the process.
6. Detroit Lions (2-1, No. 9)
How is Dan Campbell exactly 50 percent “the biggest hardo on the face of the planet” and 50 percent The Dude from “The Big Lebowski?”
7. Los Angeles Rams (2-1, No. 5)
This was the worst beat I’ve ever seen since …
8. Indianapolis Colts (3-0, No. 11)
9. Washington Commanders (2-1, No. 10)
When your one coworker is trying to prove how cool and tough he is and everyone is playing along with it because he’s cool and things are going well but deep down they just wanna say “please go to the bathroom and clean yourself up, man. We all have to work here.”
10. San Francisco 49ers (3-0, No. 12)
Nick Bosa might be out for the year, but they probably have like three or four more games with Christian McCaffrey still and Mac Jones might be literally interchangeable with Brock Purdy.
11. Kansas City Chiefs (1-2, No. 14)
My sons every time I’m anywhere near the Mott’s in the grocery store.
12. Seattle Seahawks (2-1, No. 15)
I think the Seahawks’ defense is good. I also think they’ve played Brock Purdy, Spencer Rattler and the corpse of Aaron Rodgers so far. So I’m only going to elevate them so much.
13. Baltimore Ravens (1-2, No. 4)
Samesies.
14. Minnesota Vikings (2-1, No. 18)
Congratulations to the Vikings, who were 0-6 in games called by Jim Nantz and Tony Romo until Sunday and I think we all know it was specifically Romo’s fault.
15. Denver Broncos (1-2, No. 13)
But there’s good news, they’re literally making history!
16. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1, No. 7)
They’re 2-1. They’re tied for first place. And it’s probably as bleak (in the short term) as any other team below them.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1, No. 19)
Following the “inevitable 9-8 season and first-round playoff exit” script flawlessly.
18. Arizona Cardinals (2-1, No. 16)
Kinda jealous of Cardinals fans, for whom that had to feel like a warm, comfortable blanket.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1, No. 24)
I literally quadruple checked that they were actually 2-1 and I’m still not sure I actually believe it.
20. Chicago Bears (1-2, No. 25)
If you were wondering where to find me this week …
21. Cleveland Browns (1-2, No. 30)
The Browns’ defense is legit and it’s cool that they got to win one of the five (maybe?) football games they’ll win this year and we all love Joe Flacco.
Now on to the real story. I searched “Browns” for news and somehow was taken to a news story that Bill Nye “The Science Guy” got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and was introduced by … Celtics star Jaylen Brown? That’s somehow more random than the Cleveland Browns winning a professional football match!
22. Carolina Panthers (1-2, No. 29)
Speaking of “wow how random, they won a professional football match …”
23. Atlanta Falcons (1-2, No. 17)
Maybe it’s for the best that Parker Romo never bothered to learn his teammates’ names.
24. New England Patriots (1-2, No. 21)
My wife, frustratingly explaining to her friends what it was like to live with me in our 20s.
25. Dallas Cowboys (1-2, No. 22)
The good news for Cowboys fans is that the Yankees will clinch a playoff spot this week.
26. Houston Texans (0-3, No. 20)
Straight up money laundering scheme stuff.
27. Las Vegas Raiders (1-2, No. 23)
Imagine having Tom Brady actually coaching your team, stealing information from everyone around the league and being funded with like billions of dollars from Saudi Arabia and you’re still out here getting skull dragged by Marcus Mariota.
28. Miami Dolphins (0-3, No. 26)
The good news for the Dolphins is that no one in Florida was likely watching because they were too busy getting DUI, reckless driving, criminal mischief and aggravated assault charges because they were doing burnouts in their pickup trucks directly in front of cops in the hope “to impress girls.”
29. New York Jets (0-3, No. 27)
30. Tennessee Titans (0-3, No. 28)
I would say something, but it’s not like anyone would care.
31. New Orleans Saints (0-3, No. 31)
You know how we always have the debate where “is it worse to be the guy who gets posterized or the guy who didn’t even try to stop the dunk?” It’s the former.
32. New York Giants (0-3, No. 32)
What do Giants fans and people waiting for the bus or train (any form of rapid transit, really) in the Dallas area have in common?
They want DART.
Photo Credit: Colin Murphy/PressBox