Here are my power rankings for Week 3 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (2-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
I think we’ve reached the “yeah, they’re just as unlikable as the unlikable team they beat” portion of the program but still, this is good.
2. Buffalo Bills (2-0, No. 2)
This will make a lot more sense after you Google “Joey Bosa nose.” (This isn’t a trick. The man just has a massive schnoz.)
3. Green Bay Packers (2-0, No. 3)
There is a nonzero chance that their Dec. 27 game against the Ravens will determine whether or not they finish the season undefeated.
4. Baltimore Ravens (1-1, No. 4)
I’ve already commissioned this to be painted and plastered on every wall of my house.
5. Los Angeles Rams (2-0, No. 5)
J.J. Watt asks the important questions.
6. Los Angeles Chargers (2-0, No. 7)
The year is 2045. Keenan Allen just finished with 1,000 yards. And Paul Rudd looks exactly the same.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (2-0, No. 8)
You know the “Bugatti in a trailer park” meme? That’s the Bengals’ skill position players next to their offensive line.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0, No. 11)
“Siri, what’s the definition of moxie?”
9. Detroit Lions (1-1, No. 13)
Oh, they got their swagger back? Super timing. Super.
10. Washington Commanders (1-1, No. 5)
Austin Ekeler is done for the year and Jayden Daniels has a knee injury and things are still about a billion times better than they were two years ago.
11. Indianapolis Colts (2-0, No. 16)
This guy is fun. Indianapolis doesn’t deserve him.
12. San Francisco 49ers (2-0, No. 14)
I know every 49ers fan must be extremely excited by the prospect of Christian McCaffrey risking seemingly permanent injury in order to play a flag football game in Saudi Arabia in March. Definitely a good thing for all parties involved.
13. Denver Broncos (1-1, No. 10)
You genuinely have to try hard to pull that off. Holy smokes.
14. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2, No. 9)
Sure, they may be 0-2 and their offense is a mess but at least they’re also completely debasing themselves with shameful pre-game T-shirts. Things are going well.
15. Seattle Seahawks (1-1, No. 18)
‘Preciate you, pimps.
16. Arizona Cardinals (2-0, No. 19)
Calais Campbell sealed their win against the Panthers with a sack, which is particularly impressive given that he is, I believe, in his 57th NFL season.
17. Atlanta Falcons (1-1, No. 21)
Plus now they know who their teammates are.
18. Minnesota Vikings (1-1, No. 12)
But like, I kinda don’t believe that Ryan Fitzpatrick never did this.
19. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1, No. 15)
Well that’s just like, a huge bummer man.
20. Houston Texans (0-2, No. 17)
How does it equally feel like there’s absolutely no way the Texans should be 0-2 and there’s no way the Texans should be anything other than 0-2?
21. New England Patriots (1-1, No. 25)
22. Dallas Cowboys (1-1, No. 24)
Brandon Aubrey hit a 64-yarder to force overtime, or one for every time he thought “am I really going to have to pull a rabbit out of my ass to save this team from losing to the godforsaken Giants?”
23. Las Vegas Raiders (1-1 No. 20)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1, No. 23)
The good news for the Jaguars is that everyone in Florida was probably too busy getting arrested at a job interview while allegedly impersonating a nurse while using their roommate’s credentials and asking “what did I do” to notice.
25. Chicago Bears (0-2, No. 22)
26. Miami Dolphins (0-2, No. 26)
Yeah, but Mike McDaniel has a point.
27. New York Jets (0-2, No. 27)
So you’re telling me Justin Fields ISN’T going to be unanimous NFL MVP?
28. Tennessee Titans (0-2, No. 28)
OK but like, there might actually be reason for optimism.
29. Carolina Panthers (0-2, No. 29)
Decent weekend for the Panthers. Almost won a game!
30. Cleveland Browns (0-2, No. 30)
Shoutout to the most self-aware human on the face of the planet though.
31. New Orleans Saints (0-2, No. 31)
What am I possibly supposed to say about the Saints other than that they exist?
32. New York Giants (0-2, No. 32)
What I said about the Panthers.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox