Here are my power rankings for Week 11 of the NFL season.
1. Los Angeles Rams (7-2 record, No. 3 ranking last week)
The bad news for the Rams is that I feel like it’s been a long time since the same team has been No. 1 in consecutive weeks. (Update: since Week 5, they’re the sixth different team to be No. 1.)
So maybe rent, not buy?
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-2, No. 4)
Is it even a hot take to suggest the officials are openly trying to get the tush push banned at this point?
3. Denver Broncos (8-2, No. 2)
I have some rules for power rankings. Like, I try to not move teams when they were on bye. They didn’t play, they shouldn’t move. I also try to not raise teams that lose or drop teams that win.
But also, I, like, have eyes.
4. Indianapolis Colts (8-2, No. 5)
There is a very compelling argument that Jonathan Taylor should be NFL MVP. He won’t of course, because he’s not qualified. I mean, it says it right there in the name. Most Valuable Person Who Puts His Hands Directly Under His Center’s Ass. It’s all right there.
5. Seattle Seahawks (7-2, No. 6)
It’s wild that the Seahawks scored 38 points in the FIRST HALF against the Cardinals. It’s even wilder that another team had already had a 38-point first half this season.
That team was … also the Seahawks.
6. New England Patriots (8-2, No. 7)
Exactly.
7. Detroit Lions (6-3, No. 9)
When you have a football game to coach but also need to make sure these are the pills you’re supposed to take on Sundays.
8. Buffalo Bills (6-3, No. 1)
9. Los Angeles Chargers (7-3, No. 11)
Is what the Chargers are doing actually a miracle?
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3, No. 8)
The good news for the Bucs is that no one in Florida was likely watching because they were too busy firing shots over arguments about … how many eggs a chicken could lay.
11. Chicago Bears (6-3, No. 12)
Still, when someone tells me they’re ready to buy into the Bears as a Super Bowl contender …
12. Green Bay Packers (5-3-1, No. 10)
I’m starting to not LOVE my Ravens-Packers preseason Super Bowl pick.
13. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4, No. 14)
A bye week in Kansas City would be a good chance to try a “horsefeather,” which has a terrible name but sounds pretty great.
A horsefeather cocktail is basically a whiskey spin on a Moscow mule, made with your choice of whiskey (we typically use bourbon), ginger beer (the spicier, the better), a squeeze of lime (or lemon), and (unlike a mule) a few generous shakes of bitters. It is delicious.
14. Baltimore Ravens (4-5, No. 17)
15. Houston Texans (4-5, No. 20)
When you’re walking into work and you trip on something because you’re a bumbling idiot but you recognize other people see you so you think you can pull it off.
16. San Francisco 49ers (6-4, No. 13)
I’m starting to think that you could make an argument that maybe having 75 players injured is actually kinda detrimental.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4, No. 15)
A real argument for this.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-4, No. 16)
Pity.
19. Minnesota Vikings (4-5, No. 18)
Dude, lots of teams jump offsides eight times. At home.
20. Miami Dolphins (3-7, No. 27)
Wut.
21. Carolina Panthers (5-5, No. 19)
Wut (in cajun).
22. Cincinnati Bengals (3-6, No. 22)
Maybe during bye week in Cincinnati you could try a “Who Dey.”
Molly Wellmann of Cincinnati bar Japp’s made the Who Dey! cocktail to represent her team, the Bengals. She combines black spiced rum, vanilla syrup, milk stout and mint for a rich and delicious drink that goes down easily during the cold-weather months of football season. Best of all, she decks out this dark drink with orange peel “tiger stripes” in dedication to the team.
23. Dallas Cowboys (3-5-1, No. 23)
We’ll skip our bye week revelry for Dallas and instead remind you that if you are struggling, there is hope. Call or text 988.
24. Arizona Cardinals (3-6, No. 21)
25. Atlanta Falcons (3-6, No. 24)
Don’t think too much about it. Think about more pleasant things. Like how Outkast went into The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and Tyler The Creator successfully covered the most difficult song to cover in human history …
26. New York Jets (2-7, No. 29)
The Jets have now won back-to-back games, or as their fans call it “literally the greatest thing that has ever happened.”
27. New Orleans Saints (2-8, No. 32)
Have to feel good for the rookie Tyler Shough, who recorded his first career win and then probably handed some hard candies out to the youngsters in the locker room.
28. Washington Commanders (3-7, No. 25)
But very happy for Commanders fans, for whom all of this must feel like putting on the most familiar, warm, comfortable sweater.
29. New York Giants (2-8, No. 26)
But like, the job might actually be desirable this time?
30. Las Vegas Raiders (2-7, No. 28)
Good news! If you didn’t get enough last Thursday, they’re in primetime again this week just like absolutely no one asked for!
31. Tennessee Titans (1-8, No. 31)
If you’re a Titans fan, you could have definitely used like 3-4 (thousand) Bushwackers during bye week.
If you ask what’s in a Bushwacker, be prepared for the runaround — and a long list of ingredients. Every blend is proprietary and closely guarded. Kahlua and rum are mainstays, but some bartenders mix things up with vodka or bourbon. Irish cream, crème de cacao, cream of coconut, and triple sec appear in some Bushwackers.
Other times, in place of ice cubes and milk or half and half, some people will use ice cream. Most are whipped up in a blender and finished with whipped cream and a sprinkle of nutmeg. Maraschino cherries even make an appearance from time to time. Some bars and restaurants serve their Bushwackers thick and spoonable, like a Wendy’s Frosty or blended ice cream. For others, the consistency is closer to a milky slushy and entirely sippable.
32. Cleveland Browns (2-7, No. 30)
But to my knowledge, no players indicted. So there’s that.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox