Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
1. Seattle Seahawks (5-0 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
Did you know that for as good as the Seahawks have been in recent years, this is the first time they’ve ever been 5-0? I mean, before you read that anyway. Like, did you know five minutes ago that this was the first time they’ve ever been 5-0? You probably should have told me.
2. Tennessee Titans (4-0, No. 4)
When you find out Mrs. Davis is giving away full size Snickers and doesn’t have many left and another trick-or-treater starts heading toward her door …
3. Green Bay Packers (4-0, No. 3)
Reminder that we’re using bye weeks to recognize strange tourist attractions and oddities in NFL towns. Like if you spend bye week in Green Bay you could see the world’s largest hex nut (how could you not?), or make a short drive to Milwaukee to take a ride on the world’s ONLY “polka escalator.” How is this possible not mandatory in every NFL city?
4. Kansas City Chiefs (4-1, No. 1)
I’m going to choose not to panic about the Chiefs losing one game. I’ll panic about the things that matter. Like … a pandemic that somehow we still aren’t taking seriously, the wild unfitness for office of multiple political candidates and the fact that it’s 2020 and we STILL haven’t found a way to get OutKast back together.
5. Baltimore Ravens (4-1, No. 5)
The Ravens are better at getting pressure from their secondary than AC/DC is at making literally the exact same song every couple of years and yet we never get sick of it because AC/DC songs kick ass.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-0, No. 7)
I see that Chase Claypool is a thing now and that’s cool because the Steelers hadn’t turned a non-first-round pick into a superstar receiver in at LEAST three, maybe four days.
7. Buffalo Bills (4-1, No. 6)
8. Los Angeles Rams (4-1, No. 9)
The Rams blowing out Washington was roughly as surprising as finding out that Doc Antle was ALSO human garbage after all.
9. Las Vegas Raiders (3-2, No. 16)
I’m very surprised that the Raiders beat the Chiefs. Not “actual scientists have somehow disproved the Butterfly Effect” surprised, but surprised.
10. New Orleans Saints (3-2, No. 10)
How it started:
How it’s going:
11. Cleveland Browns (4-1, No. 14)
12. New England Patriots (2-2, No. 12)
If you spent your bye week in Massachusetts, you could check out an actual monument to potatoes (they deserve it) or what USED to be the world’s largest globe. This is not the greatest globe in the world. This is just a tribute.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2, No. 8)
I picked up Scotty Miller last week out of fear that other games might not be played. And if he had just had four more targets he would have had a total of …
14. Indianapolis Colts (3-2, No. 11)
I’m 37 years old, so my social media game is worthless and my command of the English language isn’t much better.
If I said “Indianapolis Colts” and “Pittsburgh’s sewage” and then put one of those handshake emojis, could I say “Rivers problem” and have that be a thing?
15. Arizona Cardinals (3-2, No. 15)
The Cardinals would seem like a pretty logical landing spot for Le’Veon Bell since apparently Kenyan Drake sadly perished or something.
16. Chicago Bears (4-1, No. 17)
Me, STILL, any time someone defeats Tom Brady.
17. Carolina Panthers (3-2, No. 18)
Dear internet: There are a lot of jokes that I wanted to make about this week being National Pulled Pork Day and the high-profile Senate race in North Carolina that has been upended because of certain allegations that feel as though they could be referenced by a PERFECT double entendre but you know what? I’m not going to do it. I’m going to be above it. You’re welcome. I’m not comfortable calling myself a hero, but I could understand why you might want to.
18. Miami Dolphins (2-3, No. 25)
You guys, sometimes when I don’t get to watch a game that week I search a team’s name on Twitter to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Miami got a massive win Oct. 11. But it’s not nearly as interesting as this video I found when I searched “Dolphins.”
19. Minnesota Vikings (1-4, No. 19)
Dalvin Cook is set to miss the Vikings’ next game due to injury and I genuinely appreciate every ounce of normalcy that we can experience in 2020.
20. Los Angeles Chargers (1-4, No. 20)
There’s so much to like about Justin Herbert. The arm, the escapability, the poise, the idea that if we want to start a Hanson tribute band he could slide right in as the youngest brother and no one would notice the difference, all of it.
21. San Francisco 49ers (2-3, No. 13)
Sure, the 49ers are a dumpster fire right now but at least we all have to watch them on “Sunday Night Football” in the same week where we get no Thursday night game, too.
22. Houston Texans (1-4, No. 22)
Jose Altuve’s arm thinks it’s pretty clear that Bill O’Brien was the source of Houston’s problems.
23. Denver Broncos (1-3, No. 23)
If you spent the bye week in Denver, you’d be able to check out a 20-foot statue of a dog that’s MADE OUT OF DOG TAGS or a 231-pound sticker ball just outside of town. But if we’re being honest, anything beyond 218 is really just unnecessary.
24. Dallas Cowboys (2-3, No. 21)
The Dak Prescott thing is horrible. Next week, we can get back to making fun of the Cowboys and the worst division since I was in fifth grade.
25. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3-1, No. 24)
But I will be racing to get Travis Fulgham off my waiver wire about as quickly as I will be racing to the store the moment one of you jerks tell me you’ve seen the gingerbread Oreos.
26. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3-1, No. 26)
Yeah, but things could be worse. They could have ALSO started Joe Burrow instead of picking up Justin Herbert last week and going with him. Only absolute idiots would have done that.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4, No. 27)
I read a wild story about a horrendous crash in Florida that left damage, but thankfully, no one got hurt. It was even worse when I saw the video …
28. Detroit Lions (1-3, No. 28)
29. Washington Football Team (1-4, No. 29)
“Forget everything else that might happen, Alex Smith’s return is absolutely the only thing that matters even remotely,” said the franchise that REALLY wants you to believe that.
30. Atlanta Falcons (0-5, No. 30)
Dan Quinn and Thomas Dimitroff are gone, which can only mean one thing.
They HAVE to hire Bill O’Brien to both jobs so he can trade Julio Jones to the Ravens for two seventh-round picks and the rights to whatever undrafted free-agent kicker Baltimore picks up next year, right?
31. New York Giants (0-5, No. 31)
Imagine knowing something about the Giants.
32. New York Jets (0-5, No. 32)
You know that Charmin commercial with the way too realistic bears and their itchy, scratchy butts? It STILL isn’t as gross as the job Adam Gase has done in New York.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox