Here are my power rankings for Week 11 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (8-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
You really owe it to yourself to spend a bye week in Kansas City at some point so you can check out the world’s largest cap gun, the world’s largest shuttlecocks or the world’s largest concrete soccer ball. You don’t think you need to see the world’s largest concrete soccer ball? You’ll probably change your mind after reading this review from a satisfied visitor: “Not very large, and not even possible to see when the gates are closed.”
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-0, No. 2)
Damn it.
3. New Orleans Saints (7-2, No. 6)
It is absolutely impossible to identify a team that might be the third best in the NFL at the moment. I’m giving it to a team whose quarterback is going to be out because of fractured ribs. On both sides of his body. And an actual collapsed lung. And they’re the THIRD-BEST TEAM in the NFL.
4. Green Bay Packers (7-2, No. 8)
May I interrupt whatever you’re doing to report that it snowed a little bit at Lambeau Field and I could look at these pictures for the next 72 hours.
5. Miami Dolphins (6-3, No. 11)
A year ago we literally accused them of tanking. They’re now the fifth-best team in the NFL. You’d say there couldn’t possibly be a bigger change from last season to this, but “Fargo” went from three seasons of shows about folksy Upper Midwesterners to “now here’s a show about Black and Italian gangsters” and just decided to keep the same name.
6. Buffalo Bills (7-3, No. 4)
You: “That’s gotta be the most gut-wrenching way a team lost this weekend.”
Me: “Well actually …”
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3, No. 9)
You guys, I’m starting to think that there’s perhaps a small chance that the American men’s football player Antonio Brown might not be the super good guy/role model/community leader type we’ve always thought he was.
8. Las Vegas Raiders (6-3, No. 10)
You: There’s just no way the year 2020 could get more bizarre.
Me:
9. Arizona Cardinals (6-3, No. 12)
And here I was, just talking to my buddy the other day and saying “Steve, what do you think is going on with country singer Blake Shelton’s scrotum?”
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-3, No. 3)
The Ravens: “There’s a chance Calais Campbell and Brandon Williams might not play against Derrick Henry next week and also, sorry you guys, you won’t be able to come watch the game.”
The Ravens fans: “Yeah. Yeah that’s probably for the best.”
11. Indianapolis Colts (6-3, No. 13)
Congratulations to the Colts for their win against the Titans. And bigger congratulations to the Ravens, who have clearly already defeated the Titans via the transitive property and therefore there is no need for this game to be played this week.
12. Tennessee Titans (6-3, No. 7)
The Titans are riding with kicker Stephen Gostkowski. That’s good news for me because now the girl I dated when I lived in Arizona a decade and a half ago who legit lied to me about having cancer (straight shoot!) is only the SECOND-most toxic relationship of the century.
13. Los Angeles Rams (6-3, No. 14)
I’d say “you have to give credit to Jalen Ramsey for shutting down DK Metcalf,” but I’m pretty sure Jalen Ramsey is the type that doesn’t need it.
14. Seattle Seahawks (6-3, No. 5)
I know this is going to absolutely floor you, but the guy you used to skip history class with in order to smoke weed on your high school’s track MIGHT not be the esteemed epidemiologist he presents himself to be. Oh, and Pete Carroll MIGHT not always make the most brilliant in-game decisions:
15. Cleveland Browns (6-3, No. 15)
With all due respect to Baker Mayfield (and Lil Wayne), not all lasagnas have silent G’s. For example, there’s Kevin Bolton’s filé gumbo lasagna. Bet they feel stupid now.
16. Minnesota Vikings (4-5, No. 17)
That feeling when you’re 1-9 all-time on “Monday Night Football” and you absolutely HAVE TO let people know it:
17. Chicago Bears (5-5, No. 16)
Related:
18. New England Patriots (4-5, No. 27)
When mom says, “You can’t wear your sleeveless hoodie tonight, it’s raining and cold outside, Bill!”
19. San Francisco 49ers (4-6, No. 18)
The 49ers put Arik Armstead on the COVID list and honestly it’s the best news they’ve had in months.
(Because they have a bye this week. You probably need to know that.)
20. Atlanta Falcons (3-6, No. 20)
A bye week in Atlanta could give you a chance to visit the world’s longest freestanding escalator or the world’s largest freestanding bird sculpture or the world’s most blown 28-3 Super Bowl lead.
21. Detroit Lions (4-5, No. 26)
It had to be nice for fans in Michigan to finally see a football victory again. And for some Michiganders probably still even more than others.
22. New York Giants (3-7, No. 28)
I have never meant anything more than I do when I say that I doubt there’s even been a football team that’s ever been this happy to be 3-7.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5-1, No. 19)
As a fantasy football owner this week I was feeling very much like a certain Dude …
24. Denver Broncos (3-6, No. 21)
I don’t want to be the guy who just offers wild “hot takes,” but the overwhelming majority of you can just toss the stuffing in the trash next week and also, Drew Lock might not be the guy.
25. Los Angeles Chargers (2-7, No. 22)
Imagine how heartbroken Chargers fans would feel this season if they existed.
26. Carolina Panthers (3-7, No. 23)
But good news for Christian McCaffrey fantasy owners, as … Cinnabonra is now selling its cream cheese by the tub! (Sadly he’s out again this week. But a tub of cream cheese might help.)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (2-6-1, No. 24)
If you listen to Glenn Clark Radio, you know I definitely said, “I think the Bengals have a real chance to beat the Streelers.” And if you said, “That’s gotta be one of the dumbest things you’ve said,” that only means you don’t actually listen to Glenn Clark Radio.
28. Houston Texans (2-7, No. 25)
29. Washington Football Team (2-7, No. 29)
Washington’s quarterback played a football game without fear of death. So … progress?
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7, No. 30)
Spend a bye week in Dallas and perhaps you could see this random-ass 30-foot eyeball or this random-ass giant British Bowler’s hat in the middle of a damn field for some reason. I guess everything really is bigger in Texas. Except winning percentages.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8, No. 31)
It would be dumb to spend time talking about the Jaguars. It wouldn’t be dumb to spend time discussing the new “Elf” cereal and whether the presence of anything besides marshmallows is doing a disservice to the film.
32. New York Jets (0-9, No. 32)
If you spent the bye week in New York you could perhaps visit this lying-ass plaque that honors the place where movies were NOT first projected (weird!) or a museum that literally exists ENTIRELY in just the size of a freight elevator or whatever you do, at least you wouldn’t have to watch the New York Jets.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox