Here are my power rankings for Week 10 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (8-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Patrick Mahomes became the fastest quarterback to reach 100 career passing touchdowns this week, needing four fewer games than Dan Marino to reach the mark. He will almost certainly be the fastest to 200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700 and 3,700 as well.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-0, No. 2)
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-2, No. 5)
Lamar Jackson broke Marino’s record for the most wins in a quarterback’s first 30 games. Tough weekend for Marino. Probably the toughest weekend since he bumped into his one-time former kicker Ray Finkle.
4. Buffalo Bills (7-2, No. 6)
This was a pretty good reenactment this weekend.
To be fair, I can think of one better.
5. Seattle Seahawks (6-2, No. 3)
The Seahawks are currently on pace to give up 1,000 more yards than … the worst defense in NFL history. So if you were wondering if there was an appropriate use of the term “there’s bad and then there’s Chris Davis bad” in the NFL, yes.
6. New Orleans Saints (6-2, No. 8)
7. Tennessee Titans (6-2, No. 7)
When you realize you actually DIDN’T forget to put A.J. Brown back in your lineup …
8. Green Bay Packers (6-2, No. 9)
But again, you totally get why the Packers would draft another quarterback what with Aaron Rodgers leading the league in passer rating and QBR and all.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3, No. 4)
10. Las Vegas Raiders (5-3, No. 12)
TFW literally every hour in my house because my 5- and 3-year-olds have absolutely no idea about the concept of gravity…
11. Miami Dolphins (5-3, No. 13)
I know that this week has been a lot of me just sharing tweets, but if you think I’m NOT going to share this one of Taulia Tagovailoa channeling his inner Leslie Jones while watching his nearly-as-good big brother beat Arizona, you’re less accurate that the average political poll.
12. Arizona Cardinals (5-3, No. 10)
Congratulations to Kyler Murray for becoming the first player to throw for 2,000 yards and rush for 500 more in eight games. Just a shame he can’t also make 49-yard field goals. Actually … do we know he can’t do that, too?
13. Indianapolis Colts (5-3, No. 11)
When “Don’t hold me back bro! Don’t hold me back bro! I SWEAR if I get a shot at this guy he won’t remember the last five years of his life so don’t hold me back bro!”
14. Los Angeles Rams (5-3, No. 14)
So if you were able to spend ANOTHER bye week in SoCal, perhaps you’d stop in the “Time Travel Mart,” which prepares you for any upcoming time travel by selling things like wooly mammoth chunks or by taking a trip on the world’s shortest railroad. How are you not already booking your flight?
15. Cleveland Browns (5-3, No. 15)
You couldn’t spend a bye week in Cleveland without visiting all of the major tourist attractions. You know, like the city’s oldest electric street lamp, the world’s largest outdoor chandelier and the world’s largest rubber stamp. How has this city ever had a single tourism drought ever?
16. Chicago Bears (5-4, No. 16)
Sure, the Bears have lost three in a row and are probably as fraudulent as we all knew they were, but, ummm … well … the vaccine is maybe coming?
17. Minnesota Vikings (3-5, No. 21)
18. San Francisco 49ers (4-5, No. 17)
So like, they definitely have their issues and all, but I don’t think I would overreact too much to a game they lost in which their wide receivers were Trent Taylor, Richie James, I think maybe JJ Stokes, my seventh-grade social studies teacher Mr. Conner, a Doberman Pinscher and the creepiest sales guy from your office but actually he’s on Zoom.
19. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4-1, No. 19)
If your bye week was spent in Philadelphia, options might include the world’s largest clothespin or graves for people that are definitely not buried there and/or not actually people. Which helps you realize just how low cheez whiz is on the list of weird things about Philly.
20. Atlanta Falcons (3-6, No. 25)
If someone tries to talk to you about something called “Olamide Zaccheaus” this week, he’s a really impressive receiver for the Falcons, NOT an antibody treatment for COVID.
21. Denver Broncos (3-5, No. 18)
Sadly they’ve lost Albert Okwuegbunam for the year. That’s a tight end and again, NOT an antibody treatment either.
22. Los Angeles Chargers (2-6, No. 22)
Next week they’ll probably lose because a lightning strikes and splits a football in half just as the game winning field goal was about to go through.
23. Carolina Panthers (3-6, No. 23)
Sure, tough times for the folks in North Cackalacky but you guys, Krispy Kreme caramel glazed waterfall.
24. Cincinnati Bengals (2-5-1, No. 24)
If you spent the bye week in Cincinnati, you’d absolutely NEED to visit this sculpture of pigs and pancakes that I couldn’t possibly explain in words or also this mural of George Washington but for some reason he’s in drag.
25. Houston Texans (2-6, No. 26)
Congratulations to JJ Watt for reaching the 100 career sack mark for his career. It’s a remarkable number and halfway to the career record and wait, holy sh*t do we talk enough about how Bruce Smith had 200 sacks and only one other player finished with more than 160??
26. Detroit Lions (3-5, No. 20)
But to be fair to the Lions, there will still probably be a recount in Michigan and the courts will have something to say about it for sure.
27. New England Patriots (3-5, No. 27)
Congratulations to the Patriots on a thrilling, stunning, wildly unexpected come-from-behind win against perhaps the worst team in the history of football.
28. New York Giants (2-7, No. 31)
They legitimately could still make the playoffs.
29. Washington Football Team (2-6, No. 28)
Tough times for the folks in the DMV. (Quick reminder for outsiders: Baltimore is not part of that.) The Football Fellers lost again AND lost another quarterback in the process plus YO THERE ARE WORMS THAT LOOK LIKE SNAKES THAT DON’T DIE AND I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE TALKING ABOUT THIS A LITTLE MORE YOU GUYS.
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7, No. 30)
Real bummer that Gilbert Gottfried couldn’t get the job done.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-7, No. 29)
Even though Joe Flacco ultimately let them down, they still have a chance:
32. New York Jets (0-9, No. 32)
Congratulations to Flacco for proving once and for all that he’s objectively a definitively better quarterback than Joe Montana, though.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox