Here are my power rankings for Week 15 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (12-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The Chiefs have won 10 straight road games, or one for every time this season you’ve said to yourself, “Man, the Chiefs look like they might be in trouble,” but alas, they are of course totally fine and literally still the Kansas City Chiefs.
2. Green Bay Packers (10-3, No. 4)
Congrats to the Packers on winning the NFC North. Now here’s this video of Robert Tonyan taking out three players with a single shove, which would probably be one of the more embarrassing things to happen to a team if it weren’t against the Detroit Lions:
3. Buffalo Bills (10-3, No. 5)
It was a damn good week for the Bills. I mean, other than the one that was the attorney general.
4. New Orleans Saints (10-3, No. 2)
I am to understand that even if you can survive without, it is considered to be more ideal to actually HAVE a quarterback. More at 11.
5. Tennessee Titans (9-4, No. 6)
Derrick Henry now has four career games with 200 rush yards and two touchdowns, the most in NFL history. That’s really surprising. Because I would have assumed he had 40.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-2, No. 3)
7. Indianapolis Colts (9-4, No. 7)
You: “I bet I could have been a professional athlete if I would have just really dedicated myself from the get-go and had the type of training they do.”
8. Los Angeles Rams (9-4, No. 10)
When you see the Patriots beat the Chargers 45-0 so you decide it makes sense to start your next week by betting on them to cover against the Rams.
9. Seattle Seahawks (9-4, No. 11)
Now we’ll see if they can keep the ship straight when they get back into competition against NFL teams.
10. Miami Dolphins (8-5, No. 8)
Congratulations to Miami on “being semi-competitive with the Chiefs,” which based on Twitter the last couple of weeks, is roughly akin to winning the Super Bowl.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5, No. 13)
WONDERFULLY WHOLESOME CONTENT ALERT:
12. Baltimore Ravens (8-5, No. 14)
I don’t care how many “Lamar Jackson” and “Browns” jokes you make. I will shamefully chuckle at all of them.
13. Cleveland Browns (9-4, No. 9)
14. Las Vegas Raiders (7-6, No. 12)
It is 10:15 on Monday night as I type this. If by 10:15 a.m. Tuesday they haven’t hired this man they should be forced out of the league.
15. Arizona Cardinals (7-6, No. 16)
Hasson Reddick had five sacks against the Giants and before you ask, yes, that’s more than any Raven has had all season.
16. Washington Football Team (6-7, No. 19)
That feeling when you told your college girlfriend you picked up an extra shift at the pizza place and she ended up bumping into you at Have A Nice Day Cafe:
17. Chicago Bears (6-7, No. 22)
Me when I saw that the Bears had six wins this season:
18. New England Patriots (6-7, No. 15)
The Patriots officially have now seen their streak of 11 straight division titles come to an end. Pity.
19. Minnesota Vikings (6-7, No. 17)
20. Denver Broncos (5-8, No. 21)
Drew Lock had four touchdowns and no interceptions in the win against the Panthers and does that sound a little “late 2005 Kyle Boller-y” to anyone else?
21. San Francisco 49ers (5-8, No. 20)
You’d say, “There’s no way anyone has been as bad at their job as Nick Mullens this year,” but, like, the former mayor of New York City.
22. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8-1, No. 29)
“Jalen Hurts will start again next week” is the single most obvious announcement of 2020, replacing the signs on EVERY bathroom door at my gym, which for some reason have to remind us that we’re not supposed to put papers towels in the toilets. I’m really troubled that those have to exist.
23. New York Giants (5-8, No. 18)
Tough times in New York. The quarterback is back but still stinks, they’re out of first place, the deer are getting trapped in batting cages. Tough times.
24. Houston Texans (4-9, No. 23)
Sure they lost and they’re terrible and Deshaun Watson is no longer taking just figurative shots to the balls, but they DID allow us to be reminded of the magic that is Kevin Harlan calling a football match.
25. Detroit Lions (5-8, No. 24)
So with Matthew Stafford’s injury, there is some thought that perhaps he has played his final game as Lions quarterback. So I would think it fitting that we reflect on all of the big moments in Stafford’s Lions career …
(It mostly wasn’t his fault.)
26. Dallas Cowboys (4-9, No. 28)
You guys, they’re STILL alive in the playoff race.
27. Los Angeles Chargers (4-9, No. 27)
True story: obviously no one watched that game and since the Chargers were involved I legitimately started writing out power rankings and just kinda assumed they had lost because, you know, Chargers.
28. Carolina Panthers (4-9, No. 25)
The good news is that they (and fantasy football owners) should probably get Christian McCaffrey back this week.
The bad news is that what kind of team would give a ton of targets to an oft-injured, highly-paid running back?
29. Atlanta Falcons (4-9, No. 26)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10-1, No. 30)
I have to do this for three more weeks you guys and if I’m being honest, there’s not three more weeks worth of things to say about the Bengals.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-12, No. 31)
But good news, Jaguars fans! I mean, not about football. But apparently there are places in the world where you can marry your sex robots if you’d like. So there’s that!
32. New York Jets (0-13, No. 32)
Yeah, but thankfully there’s someone finally reporting the truth about the Jets for a change.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox