Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (11-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
What’s more predictable: that Patrick Mahomes will win an otherwise close game OR I’ll butcher an attempt at a popular internet meme?
2. New Orleans Saints (10-2, No. 3)
What do Drew Brees and McDonald’s popular sandwich have in common?
They’re both about to be back and they both don’t have any actual ribs.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-1, No. 2)
4. Green Bay Packers (9-3, No. 5)
Congratulations to Aaron Rodgers for becoming the fastest quarterback to ever reach 400 touchdowns. I’m starting to think that there’s at least a small argument that could be made — if you look at it a certain way — that perhaps those 23 teams shouldn’t have passed on him. I guess.
5. Buffalo Bills (9-3, No. 6)
If for some reason the Ravens don’t have it in them, they’re the team to get behind, right? The passionate, drunk fan base despite an eternity of losing, the quarterback proving his doubters wrong, the Stefon Diggs? They’ve gotta be the ones, right?
6. Tennessee Titans (8-4, No. 4)
It’s not that their defense is “bad” as much as that I’ve seen better defending from the lawyers representing the President of the United States.
7. Indianapolis Colts (8-4, No. 8)
Whatever Frank Reich is saying at halftime should be carved into stone and should probably be the state of Indiana’s entire constitution.
8. Miami Dolphins (8-4, No. 9)
And bigger congratulations to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who spent their Monday night sipping spirits and smoking cigars. Of course, if I was part of the 1972 Miami Dolphins and still around at this point I would probably spend EVERY night sipping spirits and smoking cigars.
9. Cleveland Browns (9-3, No. 10)
Congratulations to the Cleveland Browns for winning their first big game since … ever. Yeah, ever.
10. Los Angeles Rams (8-4, No. 11)
Jared Goff was even better on third down against the Cardinals than Floyd Mayweather is at ruining the sport he competes in.
11. Seattle Seahawks (8-4, No. 7)
Me, a concerned fantasy football owner, asking the Seahawks coaches what happened to Russell Wilson’s MVP season …
12. Las Vegas Raiders (7-5, No. 14)
Sometimes a win is more like a “wi.”
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5, No. 13)
If you spent bye week in Tampa you could … probably stop by a strip club since they have the third most per capita in the country. (Unsurprisingly Vegas is first but did you know Cincinnati was second? To think of all of the wasted geography classes I sat through without learning that.) Or I guess you could visit the world’s largest AND oldest shuffleboard club. That’s about right.
14. Baltimore Ravens (7-5, No. 15)
15. New England Patriots (6-6, No. 18)
Speaking of my wife, me when she asks if the guys are planning on going to a strip club again for Will’s bachelor party:
16. Arizona Cardinals (6-6, No. 12)
Look, I’m no expert. Like … on anything. But it just sorta FEELS like a team that literally has DeAndre Hopkins probably shouldn’t be struggling with what their offensive identity might be after 13 weeks.
17. Minnesota Vikings (6-6, No. 17)
The Vikings being favored by double digits against ANYONE made about as much sense as Miley Cyrus making another pop record and for some insane reason everyone decides to pretend like it’s a rock record and not another pop record.
18. New York Giants (5-7, No. 21)
Some weird sht happening in New Jersey. The Giants are beating the Seahawks, deer are trying to break into schools, a single resident recently was not an utterly obnoxious prick. Weird sht.
19. Washington Football Team (5-7, No. 23)
Yeah. This is about right.
20. San Francisco 49ers (5-7, No. 16)
Trying to say something clever about the mediocre teams in power rankings is really hard, you guys. I mean, not like “having a real job and doing something important” hard, but still. They lost. They don’t have their best players. So they’re not particularly interesting. Such is life.
21. Denver Broncos (4-8, No. 19)
The Broncos have lost 11 straight to the Chiefs, or as the Orioles know it, “a tough month against the Yankees.”
22. Chicago Bears (5-7, No. 20)
Imagine still allowing a Chicago Bears game to get you this worked up in the year 2020.
23. Houston Texans (4-8, No. 22)
We’ve reached the point in bad teams’ seasons where something called a “Chad Hansen” had 100 yards receiving for the Texans this week.
24. Detroit Lions (5-7, No. 28)
Be honest. If your life was on the line and someone asked you to guess — within one — how many games the Lions had won so far this season there is absolutely no way you would have survived, right?
25. Carolina Panthers (4-8, No. 25)
And if you had spent your final bye week of the season in North Cackalacky, you could have visited the world’s presumed smallest Elvis Presley museum. It has a piece of a bed sheet Elvis once slept on, you guys! Or perhaps you’d prefer the world’s largest frying pan? Or the world’s largest lighthouse…..’s world’s largest replica.
26. Atlanta Falcons (4-8, No. 24)
The Falcons are legitimately worse at football than young Beth Harmon was at subtlety. I mean, if you only steal like 50 tranquilizer pills, you probably get away with it, kid.
27. Los Angeles Chargers (3-9, No. 26)
I think maybe “being a Charger” might have finally killed Justin Herbert.
28. Dallas Cowboys (3-9, No. 27)
29. Philadelphia Eagles (3-8-1, No. 29)
Congratulations to the new starting quarterback. Purchasing his jersey could both be a celebration of your favorite Philadelphia player and also an advertisement for what it’s like to be an Eagles fan.
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9-1, No. 30)
Yeah. Yeah that’s about right.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-11, No. 31)
Congratulations to the Jaguars for almost winning a game. I imagine that’s about as good a feeling as they’ll have.
32. New York Jets (0-12, No. 32)
Imagine getting fired by Adam Gase. “You? YOU get to fire people from their jobs?”
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox