Here are my power rankings for Week 9 of the NFL season.

1. Los Angeles Rams (7-1 record, No. 3 ranking last week)

But honestly, it’s just really nice to see good things happen to a long-suffering fan base. I mean, they haven’t made a Super Bowl in three long years of their five-year existence!

2. Green Bay Packers (7-1, No. 4)

3. Dallas Cowboys (6-1, No. 5)

To steal a phrase from PFT Commenter, Cooper Rush literally translates to “Faster Wood.”

For example: “As an Amari Cooper owner, the final minute of Sunday night’s game gave me a Cooper Rush.”

4. Arizona Cardinals (7-1, No. 1)

Cho Sang-woo (#218) thinks A.J. Green really gave up at the end.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2, No. 8)

Me: “Look, I want the Ravens to win the Super Bowl but honestly, Buffalo would be kind of a feel-good story if they don’t. A truly long suffering fan base, salt of the earth folks. They’re crazy, but they’ve never really done anything that would make you root against them.”

Bills fans:

I hate it here.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-2, No. 2)

The good news for the Buccaneers is that folks in Florida were probably too busy getting pulled over with marijuana, cocaine, clown mannequins and LIVE FREAKING GRENADES in their car, or something, to notice what happened and yes, of course, no need for “or something.”

7. Tennessee Titans (6-2, No. 6)

“It doesn’t really matter who replaces Derrick Henry. The system should set things up for just about anyone to succeed,” said Ty’Son Williams, Devonta Freeman, Le’Veon Bell and Latavius Murray.

8. Baltimore Ravens (5-2, No. 9)

A bye week fun fact about Ravens? It’s a good think I’m not one to kink shame. Because ravens are some damn weirdos.

“They lie in anthills and roll around so the ants swarm on them, or they chew the ants up and rub their guts on their feathers. The scientific name for this is “anting.” Some songbirds, crows, and jays do it too. The behavior is not well understood.”

True. I understand that about as well as I do the other Ravens’ attempts to tackle Ja’Marr Chase. But again, we DO NOT kink shame.

9. Cincinnati Bengals (5-3, No. 7)

Just caught this video of everyone racing to get on the Bengals bandwagon!

10. New Orleans Saints (5-2, No. 12)

Another week, another new logo for the NFL.

11. Las Vegas Raiders (5-2, No. 11)

Here’s a bye week fun fact I DEFINITELY did not know. The iconic Raiders? They were originally the … Señors!

“Eight days later, a Tribune and Oakland Junior Chamber of Commerce contest announced the team’s name in a newspaper headline “Grid Team Named Señors.” Helen Davis, an Oakland Police Department employee, won the contest for writing a letter supporting the “Señors” mascot, according to the Tribune.

The name did not last long. “Now It’s Hi, Raiders! (Bye, Señors)” screamed a later Tribune headline.”

How quickly do you think the Oakland Tribune fired the copy editor who said “Bye, Señors” instead of “Adios, Señors?” Chris Davis thinks that’s a swing and a miss.

12. New England Patriots (4-4, No. 16)

Mac Jones reportedly goes to sleep at 8:30 every night.

When reached for comment, my wife said “_” because she had already been asleep for 30 minutes after being in her robe by literally 6 p.m. Straight shoot.

13. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4, No. 15)

I truly still believe that Patrick Mahomes is a top-three quarterback though.

In the AFC.


14. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3, No. 17)

The bad news is that their roster is totally legit and they’re absolutely viable Super Bowl contenders.
The good news is “… if they just had a quarterback.”

15. Los Angeles Chargers (4-3, No. 10)

You don’t have to ask. OF COURSE I have Justin Herbert in literally every league.

16. Cleveland Browns (4-4, No. 14)

The girl is a Cleveland Browns fan. The guy is the Cleveland Browns.

17. Minnesota Vikings (3-4, No. 13)

Kirk Cousins losing to a good team in primetime? “Jim Harbaugh losing a big game” thinks that was predictable.

18. Seattle Seahawks (3-5, No. 19)

Me, when Russell Wilson is back. (And before I remember that Pete Carroll will inevitably screw it up again.)

19. Indianapolis Colts (3-5, No. 18)

When he’s Carson Wentz again.

20. San Francisco 49ers (3-4, No. 22)

Deebo Samuel is currently on pace to break Calvin Johnson’s record for the most receiving yards in a season (albeit with an extra game) and if I’m being honest, I’m STILL not certain that if Calvin Johnson played next year he couldn’t break it back.

21. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5, No. 23)

When your buddy says, “You’re going to the Eagles-Lions game? Here. Take one of these.”

22. Carolina Panthers (4-4, No. 26)

When someone says, “I don’t think you should put your decorations up until after Thanksgiving.”

23. Denver Broncos (4-4, No. 24)

Think it was awkward being the 10th guy to show up at the party in a Ted Lasso costume? Imagine being the coach of the team that can barely beat the Washington Football Fellas and has to watch the team trade away the good players to get draft picks and obviously position themselves to try to land Aaron Rodgers and they have to look you in the eyes and say, “No Vic, we’re totally behind you, man.”

24. Chicago Bears (3-5, No. 20)

It’s a shame I played Khalil Herbert in Fantasy Football this week. He would have been a hell of a play in Fantasy Costume Contest, though.

25. New York Jets (2-5, No. 30)

Mike White became just the second quarterback to ever throw for 400 yards in his first career start, which is merely proof that he got some ELITE-level mentoring during the course of the week.

26. Atlanta Falcons (3-4, No. 21)

And making matters worse, Matt Ryan totally screwed up his Curt Schilling costume. It was his foot, Matt!

27. New York Giants (2-6, No. 25)

How pathetic are you if you can’t even beat the friggin’ Chiefs, honestly?

28. Washington Football Team (2-6, No. 27)

They’ve lost four straight games and they can’t do anything right and in a turbulent world, that’s about as comforting as a warm bowl of chili. It’s nice when life makes sense.

29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6, No. 28)

30. Miami Dolphins (1-7, No. 29)

There is good news for the Dolphins, though. The Peppermint Chip milkshake is back at Chick-Fil-A!

31. Houston Texans (1-7, No. 31)

It’s weird that they managed to rally from down 38-0 to end up coming back and getting a cover, yes. Not “the girlfriend of the special teams coach at Texas is a stripper named ‘Pole Assassin’ who once was on Jerry Springer and who uses a monkey in her routine and there was apparently an incident involving the monkey and a child during Halloween festivities,” weird, but weird, yes.

32. Detroit Lions (0-8, No. 32)

When you remember that you’re going to have the watch the Lions on Thanksgiving.

Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox

Glenn Clark

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