Here are my power rankings for Week 8 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (7-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The last time the Cardinals were 7-0, stamps cost 10 cents, the World Cup champions were an actual country named West Germany and “Jaws” was still a year away from being in theaters. Therefore life was not worth living and I understand why those Cardinals couldn’t back it up and win the Super Bowl, honestly.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-1, No. 2)
I know you’ve been thinking, “Tom Brady’s 602 career passing touchdowns seems like a lot, but Glenn, I can’t make that full determination until I know what it looks like in comparison to Kyle Orton’s career passing touchdowns.” I was feeling the same way. Thankfully for us both, the “NFL on CBS” Twitter account has us covered. They truly understand the people.
Think about how many signed Kyle Orton jerseys that guy could have gotten for Brady’s 600th touchdown ball.
3. Los Angeles Rams (6-1, No. 4)
When you date a girl who goes to church and they play that one song you know.
4. Green Bay Packers (6-1, No. 5)
The bad news is that they’re almost certainly going to be without their defensive coordinator, Davante Adams, David Bakhtiari, Jaire Alexander, Za’Darius Smith and more against the Cardinals Thursday (not all related to COVID).
The good news is
5. Dallas Cowboys (5-1, No. 6)
Howsa bout a bye week fun fact about Cowboys? It’ll convince you that they should absolutely change their name to the Dallas Biscuit Shooters.
Cowboys considered “Cookie,” or the camp cook, the most important person in camp. Sometimes called “biscuit shooters,” “belly cheaters,” and “bean masters,” camp cooks fed the cowboys three hot meals a day, no matter what. One of the cook’s jobs was to note the North Star each night and turn the tongue of the chuckwagon toward it. This way, the drive would know which way to head out the next morning.
6. Tennessee Titans (5-2, No. 7)
Perhaps this surprised you. Not me. You always bet on the team with the best quarterback.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2, No. 11)
It’s not just that they lost. It’s not even just that they got their asses kicked. It’s that the Ravens got absolutely obliterated by some guy that used to go to the disco with your grandparents and then brought his own shoes to go bowling after.
8. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 8)
OK, here’s a bye week fun fact about the Bills. They’re named of course after “Buffalo Bill” Cody, whose closest association to the city Buffalo is … that he performed at the Pan American Exposition in Buffalo in 1901?
Wait. Seriously? That’s it? Imagine it’s March 1996 and Art Modell goes to the podium and holds up a card that says “Ringos” instead of Ravens. “Yeah,” he goes on, “I heard about that concert the Beatles played in ’64 and it was clear what the name needed to be.”
The entire concept of the “Buffalo Bills” is a travesty. Just tell everyone you were named after Bill Walton. Yeah, go with that. It makes just as much sense.
9. Baltimore Ravens (5-2, No. 3)
Sure, they went the entire second half (seemingly) without making a tackle but they also went the entire second half without having a drunk break into the radio booth looking for a drink so I’m pretty sure that evens out.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (4-2, No. 9)
Here’s a Chargers bye week fun fact. You probably associate their name with electricity and lightning and very cool things but to be clear, the story of how they got their name is SO MUCH LAMER THAN THAT!
“According to one story, Hilton liked the name, in part, for its affiliation with his new Carte Blanche credit card. The owner also told reporters that he was fond of the “Charge!” bugle cry played at the Los Angeles Coliseum.”
The Buffalo Bills think that is a sad origin story.
11. Las Vegas Raiders (5-2, No. 14)
12. New Orleans Saints (4-2, No. 12)
13. Minnesota Vikings (3-3, No. 13)
Interested in a bye week fun fact about vikings? EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM IS A LIE.
Forget almost every Viking warrior costume you’ve ever seen. Sure, the pugnacious Norsemen probably sported headgear, but that whole horn-festooned helmet look? Depictions dating from the Viking age don’t show it, and the only authentic Viking helmet ever discovered is decidedly horn-free. Painters seem to have fabricated the trend during the 19th century, perhaps inspired by descriptions of northern Europeans by ancient Greek and Roman chroniclers. Long before the Vikings’ time, Norse and Germanic priests did indeed wear horned helmets for ceremonial purposes.
14. Cleveland Browns (4-3, No. 15)
Yes, I’m jealous that when Kareem Hunt comes back in a couple of weeks, the Browns will literally have three more running backs than the Ravens do. Thus concludes the list of literally everything I’ve ever been jealous about regarding the city of Cleveland.
15. Kansas City Chiefs (3-4, No. 10)
16. New England Patriots (3-4, No. 20)
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-3, No. 17)
Bye week fun fact about the Steelers? Their name literally translates to the Pittsburgh Boners.
Definition of steeler (Entry 2 of 2)
1: one that steels
especially : a smith who steels edged tools
2: one that inserts steels (as in corsets) : BONER
Good luck with your Boners, Pittsburgh.
18. Indianapolis Colts (3-4, No. 21)
I know he’s busy being a starting quarterback now but like, does Joe Flacco have to sue for copyright infringement?
19. Seattle Seahawks (2-5, No. 18)
Make that “anyone who watched the Monday Night Football game.”
20. Chicago Bears (3-4, No. 16)
This honestly seems impossible.
I’m so very jealous of every host in Chicago that got to react to Matt Nagy saying the team has “become real close” after they got whipped by the Buccaneers. That’s almost as good as Bruce Allen saying Washington was “winning OFF the field” a few years back. Fodder for months. So jealous.
21. Atlanta Falcons (3-3, No. 25)
Look, you and I aren’t going to pretend like either of us watched the Falcons-Dolphins game. So instead, let’s talk about the CRIME the Reese’s folks are committing by taking the most perfect candy in the history of humanity and for some unfathomable reason, stuffing POTATO CHIPS inside. Get so far out of here that I can’t even yell for you to let you know that you forgot your phone.
22. San Francisco 49ers (2-4, No. 19)
When she said, “No, it totally sounds cool, babe. Did you say the tickets were in the front row? Do you think maybe someone might want to switch seats with us so we’re under cover? No, I get it. That would mean no one would see your costume and yeah, that would just be terrible …”
23. Philadelphia Eagles (2-5, No. 23)
The Eagles are off to their worst start since 1999 but truthfully, it could be worse. They could be a hiker completely lost overnight who was ignoring phone calls from potential rescuers simply because … they didn’t recognize the phone numbers.
24. Denver Broncos (3-4, No. 24)
But I firmly believe that the acquisition of Kenny Young will go down as the moment the Broncos’ run to the Super Bowl really began.
25. New York Giants (2-5, No. 29)
Pretty sure the NFL has a new logo now.
26. Carolina Panthers (3-4, No. 23)
Please check your children’s candy this Halloween. Someone put a team that managed to score just THREE FRIGGIN’ POINTS AGAINST THE NEW YORK GIANTS inside one of my kids’ Snickers this year.
27. Washington Football Team (2-5, No. 26)
This play did not end in a touchdown.
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5, No. 27)
Here’s a bye week fun fact about Jaguars for you. They’re about the only risk to Joey Chestnut’s Fourth of July Hot Dog eating dominance.
These majestic cats have a stocky, heavy build with robust canines and a massive head, allowing them a more powerful bite than any other large cat relative to its size. Studies comparing the bite forces of nine different cat species revealed that, while a jaguar’s bite force is only three-quarters as strong as a tiger’s bite force, jaguars have the stronger bites since they are considerably smaller (up to 170 cm long, not including their tails, which can grow up to 80 cm). A jaguar’s jaw can bite straight through the skull of its prey, and can even pierce the thick skin of a caiman with ease.
STRAIGHT THROUGH THE SKULL!
29. Miami Dolphins (1-6, No. 28)
The good news for the Dolphins is that folks in Florida were probably too busy, I don’t know, plasuring themselves with ice packs while right in front of the first responders that gave them said ice packs while they were responding to said person’s breathing issues or something to notice and yes, you and I both know damn well that the “or something” was not necessary because that’s exactly what was happening in Florida.
30. New York Jets (1-5, No. 30)
The reason they needed Joe Flacco? Their next quarterback wasn’t actually real.
31. Houston Texans (1-6, No. 31)
It had to be tough for the Texans to have to watch and wonder what it must be like to have talented players like DeAndre Hopkins and J.J. Watt on your team.
32. Detroit Lions (0-7, No. 32)
But there’s good news for the Lions. Really. You can buy Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits in your grocery store’s frozen section now!
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox