Here are my power rankings for Week 13 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (9-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
A bye week fun fact about cardinals is that they’re actually called “northern cardinals” and I’d like to know why.
“Northern cardinals are found throughout much of the eastern, central, southern, and southwestern United States, as well as in eastern Mexico and as far south as Guatemala and Belize.”
Oh. But still why though?
“This makes the species the northernmost of the cardinal species, hence the “northern” part of its name.”
2. New England Patriots (8-4, No. 2)
Am I allowed to say “holy shit” on PressBoxOnline.com? Because honestly, holy shit.
(If you’re reading this and the “I” was replaced by a “*,” the answer was no.)
3. Baltimore Ravens (8-3, No. 3)
When Mom and Dad come in screaming frantically about who knocked over the Christmas tree and you know it was entirely your little brother’s fault.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-3, No. 4)
It’s frustrating because Leonard Fournette scored four touchdowns and geez, I just can’t think of any clever pun to reflect such a phenomenon.
5. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4, No. 5)
It’s very hard to do a fun fact about a problematic team name. But … did you know they were legitimately once called the Kansas City … Texans? And that they could have been the Mules? That’s not as unpleasant as this conversation could otherwise be, right?
“He originally called them the Kansas City Texans, but soon decided he could drum up much needed interest in his club by holding a “name-the-team” contest fans could participate in.
Some of the names submitted in the contest were Royals, Stars, and Mules, but [Lamar] Hunt ultimately decided on calling them the Kansas City Chiefs we all are familiar with.”
6. Green Bay Packers (9-3, No. 9)
When someone else thinks they’re getting that $199 television on Black Friday.
7. Buffalo Bills (7-4, No. 11)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-4, No. 13)
Is it crazy to think that the Bengals game is the most difficult game left on the Ravens’ schedule? I mean, besides that whole pesky “beat them by 24 points last time” thing. Like even if you ignored that altogether. You know, that thing where the Bengals completely and totally ragdolled them.
9. Los Angeles Rams (7-4, No. 6)
10. Indianapolis Colts (6-6, No. 7)
I know I like to be silly here but the level of creepiness of this photo is off the charts. Obviously Lenny Moore has more than earned the right to not have us question anything he does. The man is a saint. He’s also at an advanced age and I’m not sure what’s going on.
But Jim Irsay (who so many folks have gone out of their way to compare favorably to his father as if that alone is some sort of statement) is an absolute creep for his obsession with rubbing in how his father stole this city’s football history and heritage.
He’s a creep and it’s a lowlife thing to do. It is absolutely cruel and it speaks only to one man’s ego, as he appears to be obsessed with reminding everyone of that history. And the people of Indianapolis should be ashamed of it. This is despicable. Everyone associated with these hijinks should be ashamed.
11. Dallas Cowboys (7-4, No. 10)
So now, back to your regularly scheduled silliness. Here’s this fella, handling it well!
12. Tennessee Titans (8-4, No. 8)
13. San Francisco 49ers (6-5, No. 18)
I’m not going to lie. I completely and totally wrote off the 49ers just a few weeks back. Thankfully I’ve been right about legitimately everything else in my life and definitely didn’t once purchase $500 worth of NSYNC bobblehead dolls when I was working at Best Buy in the early 2000s because I was convinced I’d later be able to sell them for $500 each only for them to be slashed down to like $2 each a week later. That definitely did not happen. I’ve gotten everything right except the 49ers thing.
14. Denver Broncos (6-5, No. 22)
This is such an exciting roster and they’re absolutely going to believe that Aaron Rodgers is going to be their quarterback and so inevitably it is a guarantee that they’re going to trade for Ben Roethlisberger, isn’t it?
15. Los Angeles Chargers (6-5, No. 12)
16. Las Vegas Raiders (6-5, No. 23)
We could talk about the Raiders OR we could rewatch former Raiders coach John Madden talk about turducken. There’s one correct answer.
17. Minnesota Vikings (5-6, No. 14)
People are saying that Kirk Cousins lining up underneath the wrong offensive lineman is probably his most embarrassing moment like they’ve forgotten that he’s literally Kirk Cousins.
18. Cleveland Browns (6-6, No. 15)
What do the Cleveland Browns and the girl I thought I was in love with my freshman year of college have in common?
They can’t stay away from 12 men.
Look man, writing this column is just cheaper than therapy.
19. Miami Dolphins (5-7, No. 24)
The bad news for the Dolphins is that folks in Florida are probably too busy exposing themselves at a hospital and then punching nurses after that to notice and I’m not even bothering to do the “or something” part of the bit anymore because it’s friggin’ Week 13 already.
20. Washington Football Team (5-6, No. 21)
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-5-1, No. 16)
I’ve done the math. By my calculations, as I type this at 11:07 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 29, the pass thrown by Ben Roethlisberger that was returned by Mike Hilton for a touchdown would have made it to earth exactly three hours from now.
22. Philadelphia Eagles (5-7, No. 17)
23. Carolina Panthers (6-6, No. 19)
24. New Orleans Saints (5-6, No. 20)
Congratulations to Taysom Hill for being named starting quarterback this week and what I assume will be a $42 million bonus Sean Payton gives him for it.
25. Atlanta Falcons (5-6, No. 25)
This is a safe space, right? Like, we’re in the trust tree? I swear to everything that when I started placing teams in this week’s rankings I originally dropped the Falcons a spot because I just assumed they had lost this weekend having paid absolutely zero attention to their game with the Jaguars.
They’re tied for a playoff spot.
26. New York Giants (4-7, No. 28)
We could talk about the Giants-Eagles game ORRRRRR we could talk about french onion soup bombs. Your call. Sorry. I lied. My call. You came here. Deal with it.
27. Seattle Seahawks (3-8, No. 26)
Just a thought. Maybe if your quarterback can run, you should let him run. Hell of a concept, I’m aware.
28. Chicago Bears (4-7, No. 29)
And we can talk about the Bears-Lions game OR we can talk about Cinnagraham Toast Crunch. My call.
29. New York Jets (3-8, No. 31)
This was the team that WON their football game Sunday.
30. Houston Texans (2-9, No. 27)
I mean, sure, you lost to the New York Jets. But it could be worse. You could have been on this jet.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9, No. 30)
When the jokes write themselves.
But since we’re here.
32. Detroit Lions (0-10-1)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox