Here are my power rankings for Week 12 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (9-2 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
It’s a tradition here that during Thanksgiving week we try to offer something each team should be thankful for. And by “tradition” I mean “I’m pretty sure I’ve done it before at some point and maybe do it every year but you guys I’m old and I have young kids and I’m personally thankful that I remember to wear pants at least 64 percent of the time.”
For example: The Cardinals should be thankful that the Ravens are willing to just let them have the man who will inevitably lead them to a Super Bowl title if Kyler Murray remains out. He throws it on a dime like he’s not even trying, after all.
2. New England Patriots (7-4, No. 6)
The Patriots should be thankful that the rest of the league sat around and said, “Yeah, there’s a quarterback available who is probably ready to come in and do exactly what the Patriots need in order to win a Super Bowl but, like, we’d … just rather not.”
3. Baltimore Ravens (7-3, No. 8)
The Ravens should be thankful that their in-laws WILL eventually leave on Thursday night.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3, No. 9)
They should be thankful that Satan got such a terrible deal with Tom Brady.
5. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4, No. 10)
The Chiefs should be thankful that their bum-ass quarterback and pathetic offense can be absolutely carried by their dominant defense.
6. Los Angeles Rams (7-3, No. 7)
They should be thankful that none of the good teams have bothered to win a game in the last couple of weeks either.
Oh and a bye week fun fact about rams? Big sausage party guys.
Bighorn sheep herds are separated by sex. Rams stick around the same 5 to 50 males most of the year, and coincidentally football teams have 53 players on their roster each season. Rams hang with their bros until it’s time to attract ewes during the species’ rut, which takes place from June to December — overlapping with the NFL’s regular season. Female groups include both male and female lambs and can be as small as five members or as large as 100 members.
7. Indianapolis Colts (6-5, No. 11)
The Colts should probably be thankful that they have the single most dominant runner in the world.
Well, the SECOND-most dominant runner in the world.
8. Tennessee Titans (8-3, No. 1)
The Titans should be thankful their schedule includes a lot of cupcakes like the Colts, Bills and Chiefs and not just all of the powerhouses they can’t beat like the (checks notes) Texans and Jets.
9. Green Bay Packers (8-3, No. 3)
Green Bay should be thankful that while tests said Elgton Jenkins will miss the rest of the year with a torn ACL, the team’s chief medical advisor hasn’t even weighed in yet because he was too busy recording a podcast with Alex Jones.
10. Dallas Cowboys (7-3, No. 4)
They should be thankful that while things haven’t gone so well as of the last few weeks, no one can take away their incredible memories from the past. Like the greatest Thanksgiving football moment of all time, exactly 20 years ago this week …
GOD THERE IS SO MUCH OF THIS THAT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT ENOUGH. They didn’t even get to Scott Stapp in enough time for the start of the song that he could at least PRETEND he wasn’t lip-syncing. Poor fella.
11. Buffalo Bills (6-4, No. 5)
The Bills should be thankful that their owner isn’t a maniac who thinks his autograph is more valuable than the $100 bill he signed it on.
Imagine being so disconnected from reality that you truly think someone should prefer having JIM IRSAY’S AUTOGRAPH to 100 ACTUAL AMERICAN DOLLARS.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (6-4, No. 15)
The Chargers should be thankful that the Detroit Lions, just one year before TRADING FOR JARED GOFF, didn’t think they should spend their first-round pick on a quarterback.
13. Cincinnati Bengals (6-4, No. 14)
The Bengals should be thankful that the NFL has allowed defensive players to just line up a yard offsides for like five years now. (Not that this mattered in the course of this football game.)
14. Minnesota Vikings (5-5, No. 18)
The Vikings should be thankful that there are two more weeks before they’re scheduled to play in primetime again.
15. Cleveland Browns (6-5, No. 16)
I guess Cleveland should be happy that Baker Mayfield is so freaking great that he’s DEFINITELY worth all of this friggin’ nonsense.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-4-1, No. 12)
Folks in Pittsburgh should be thankful for a hero like Ben Roethlisberger who courageously rode an airplane to Los Angeles and got that blocked punt, that deflection and interception and that massive fourth-down stop to give his team a chance. Thank you for your service.
17. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6, No. 21)
The Eagles should be thankful that the league is just mediocre enough for me to have to legitimate say that despite being 5-6, they have a nonzero chance of winning the Super Bowl.
18. San Francisco 49ers (5-5, No. 19)
The 49ers should probably be thankful that the same guy in the league who inevitably takes Justin Tucker in the fifth round of every draft also for some reason just outright dropped George Kittle a couple of weeks back when he was hurt and I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that I, I GLENN CLARK should probably be thankful for that.
19. Carolina Panthers (5-6, No. 13)
The Panthers should be thankful that there’s always last week.
20. New Orleans Saints (5-5, No. 17)
The Saints should be happy that no matter what happens, they live in the coolest freaking city in the world and you guys, if I live long enough for my sons to be adults please make sure they have a party when I die and dance on my casket like Trombone Shorty did with his mom. Please.
Also, they live in the city that will be doing Thanksgiving SO MUCH BETTER than everyone else.
21. Washington Football Team (4-6, No. 25)
The Washington Football Fellers should be thankful to be experiencing what is, without the slightest of doubt, the best stretch of 10 days in the modern history of their organization.
22. Denver Broncos (5-5, No. 22)
The Broncos should be thankful that if they can ever find a quarterback again, the rest of the picture is really coming into focus.
And a bye week fun fact about broncos? They’re, umm, not real.
A bronco is a type of horse, not a species or a breed. It comes from the Spanish broncos, which means rough. American cowboys borrowed the lingo from their Mexican counterparts to describe untrained or partially trained horses. Originally, cowboys probably used the term to refer to breaking wild horses, but today’s broncos are not feral.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (5-5, No. 20)
Raiders fans should be thankful that if Disney tries to re-introduce a certain beloved character in a “Home Sweet Home Alone 2,” their quarterback HAS to be the leading candidate for the role …
24. Miami Dolphins (4-7, No. 26)
The Dolphins should be thankful that they didn’t have to face clear MVP frontrunner Mike White.
25. Atlanta Falcons (4-6, No. 23)
The Falcons should be thankful that come hell or high water, they DID NOT LET THIS GUY BEAT THEM.
26. Seattle Seahawks (3-7, No. 24)
The Seahawks should be thankful that the schedule really breaks for them next week when they get to face Washington so they should probably … only lose by 10.
27. Houston Texans (2-8, No. 31)
The Texans should be thankful … that maybe Earth IS flat?
28. New York Giants (3-7, No. 27)
They should be thankful that they’ve finally addressed their wide receiver problem!
29. Chicago Bears (3-7, No. 28)
The Bears should be thankful that … ummm … gingerbread Oreos are coming back?
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-8, No. 29)
The Jaguars should be thankful that no one in Florida was probably watching anyway because they were too busy attacking the manager at the Chinese buffet because they didn’t have the type of sushi that they wanted or something or yes, yes of course that.
31. New York Jets (2-8, No. 30)
The Jets should be thankful that … look man, I’m a low-level internet columnist. I’m not a freaking therapist.
32. Detroit Lions (0-9-1, No. 32)
The Lions should be thankful that there is literally no possible way they could disappoint their fans on national TV this Thursday.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox