Here are my power rankings for Week 16 of the NFL season.
1. Green Bay Packers (11-3 record, No. 4 ranking last week)
Just what we needed as a country this holiday season, Aaron Rodgers becoming the NFL MVP frontrunner. It’s a feel-good story. This probably makes some of you want to drink bleach, but that might be what Aaron Rodgers wants you to do, too?
2. Kansas City Chiefs (10-4, No. 3)
For the record, if Kansas City bars keep denying Jackson Mahomes service and then trashing him on social media I will have absolutely no choice but to become a massive Kansas City fan. Just no other option whatsoever.
3. Los Angeles Rams (10-4, No. 5)
Yes, sure, the Rams benefitted from a horrendous pass interference that wasn’t called and yes, sure, that’s not the first time that happened and yes, sure, the NFL literally jumped through every hoop they possibly could to try to figure out a way to fix it the last time and yes, sure, they avoided doing the very obvious thing (sky judge) that all of the coaches wanted and then insanely made coaches waste their timeouts on calls that wouldn’t be overturned and yes, sure, they realized they f*cked up so they abandoned PI challenges and implemented sky judge but yes, sure, they insanely decided that sky judge wouldn’t be allowed to fix these problems so yes, sure, they literally ended up turning their utter panic right back into “there will be nothing we can do about this” so yes, sure, the Rams were able to benefit again years later but yes, sure, it will also probably happen again.
4. Dallas Cowboys (10-4, No. 7)
Credit to the Cowboys for both getting a big win and also getting all of their Christmas shopping done early …
5. Indianapolis Colts (8-6, No. 9)
If “What are you going to do about it?” was a GIF.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-4, No. 2)
When you realize at 2 a.m. on Christmas Eve that she bought the wrong batteries for the toys Santa brought for the kids:
7. New England Patriots (9-5, No. 1)
Bill Belichick opened a news conference this week by apologizing to the media.
You know what? Go ahead and try that incredible romantic gesture with that girl that thinks you’re just a friend. Clearly anything is friggin’ possible.
8. Arizona Cardinals (10-4, No. 6)
They’re now 1-8 all time against Jared Goff. I’d make a joke here but holy hell, what could possibly be worse than being 1-8 all time against Jared Goff?
9. Buffalo Bills (8-6, No. 12)
Just a real shame about Cole Beasley. Really feel for that guy.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (8-6, No. 8)
For some reason, the Chargers portion of Power Rankings reminded me of the worst performance in music history …
11. San Francisco 49ers (8-6, No. 13)
Because I’m a young, hip, fresh internet observationist, I OBVIOUSLY understand what the “Griddy” is and why it humored so many folks that Steve Young did such a good job “Griddy-ing.” I very much get this because it’s the dance where you try to act like you’re the mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers. Not hard to figure out.
12. Cincinnati Bengals (8-6, No. 14)
Obviously I’m not rooting for them this week but in a weird way I feel like I might be happy for the Bengals if they end up actually doing something in the Joe Burrow era. They have to be the least threatening fan base in all of football and it can’t be easy being the city that’s best known for Nick Lachey and diarrhea chili.
13. Tennessee Titans (9-5, No. 10)
I share this tweet only because I want to leave in a world where we use the term “britches” more. That’s the world for me.
14. Baltimore Ravens (8-6, No. 11)
“Hi, Q-Tip? John Harbaugh here. I’ve been listening to some of your old music recently. The answer is no.”
(There are probably better ways to make that joke. But we still have 18 teams to go.)
15. Miami Dolphins (7-7, No. 16)
I was finally able to make a legal sports bet in Maryland so I put 20 bucks on a hot Miami team to cover against the lowly Jets. Awkward!
But not as awkward as “dude purchases a scoreboard proposal at the Dolphins-Jets game and then, holy crap, he’s not there,” but awkward still!
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-6-1, No. 19)
You gotta hand it to Ben Roethlisberger. He’s still finding a way to get it done AND he managed to sneak off to take in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl this week!
17. Minnesota Vikings (7-7, No. 18)
18. Philadelphia Eagles (7-7, No. 21)
DeVonta Smith is OK.
19. New Orleans Saints (7-7, No. 22)
It’s that thing where Tom Brady lost but you had to watch a 9-0 football game in 2021 and you spent the better part of the evening recreating the Alonzo Mourning gif in your living room.
20. Las Vegas Raiders (7-7, No. 24)
I’ve got an interesting topic for sports radio this week. Real barn burner. “Is Derek Carr an elite quarterback?”
21. Cleveland Browns (7-7, No. 15)
Real shame they lost anyway and now have a super short week for the Packers. Real shame.
22. Denver Broncos (7-7, No. 17)
You guys passed up on Drew Lock in your fantasy drafts and he’s out here making you regret it with his INSANE value. As an IDP.
23. Washington Football Team (6-8, No. 20)
You guys think Dan Snyder is incompetent but he did a pretty remarkable job of getting his whole team to get COVID so that people would stop talking about how he interfered with the NFL’s investigation of himself.
24. Seattle Seahawks (5-9, No. 23)
This is officially Russell Wilson’s first losing season. I assume Vinny Testaverde comes by the facility this week to present him his ceremonial jacket?
25. Atlanta Falcons (6-8, No. 25)
We can talk about the Falcons OR we can learn about gingerbread pudding and regroup for No. 26. You know what I’m doing.
26. Carolina Panthers (6-8, No. 26)
I’m not sure I every really understood the idea of something being “so bad that it’s beautiful” until this exact moment.
27. Detroit Lions (2-10-1, No. 31)
What do I want for Christmas this year? For Gus Johnson to call my personal cell phone once a day for the next year and yell out Amani Oruwariye’s name.
28. Houston Texans (3-11, No. 30)
29. New York Giants (4-10, No. 27)
When the Ravens lose to the Packers BUT, you know, Aaron Rodgers IS your fantasy quarterback.
30. Chicago Bears (4-10, No. 28)
31. New York Jets (3-11, No. 29)
There is good news for the Jets, though.
There’s going to be a Fruity Pebbles flavored syrup coming soon.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-12, No. 32)
The good news for the Jaguars is that folks in Florida are definitely too busy getting busted with bags of cocaine and meth wrapped around their penis to bother noticing ANY of this.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox