Here are my power rankings for Week 11 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (7-2, No. 2 ranking last week)
When mom comes home with a box of Oatmeal Creme Pies …
2. Minnesota Vikings (8-1, No. 3)
I’m sure it’s Kirk Cousins who should be in the conversation for MVP. I’m sure HE is the most valuable player on the Vikings. I’m sure.
3. Miami Dolphins (7-3, No. 9)
It’s almost like wide receivers can actually be even MORE valuable than quarterbacks sometimes. But I get it. I’m reading a couple of chapters ahead of you in the book. You haven’t even found out about Turkish Delight yet.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (8-1, No. 1)
5. Buffalo Bills (6-3, No. 4)
If we’re being honest, we’re not really surprised by this, are we?
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3, No. 6)
There is no more Baltimore song to me than the one celebrating its 20th anniversary this year …
7. New York Giants (7-2, No. 8)
So I typically peruse the ol’ bird app to see if there’s anything interesting I might have missed about each team every week. When I searched “Giants” this week, I found out that … THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS HAVEN’T HAD A 30-HOME RUN HITTER SINCE BARRY BONDS IN 2004?!?!?!?!! The second longest drought is the Tigers … in 2016 (Miguel Cabrera)! That’s nuts!
But also, they’re a game out of first place now. Like we all assumed.
8. Dallas Cowboys (6-3, No. 5)
Analytics.
9. Tennessee Titans (6-3, No. 11)
I don’t actually know if they’re any good but they’ve been quite successful. I guess they’re the band Twenty One Pilots.
10. New York Jets (6-3, No. 10)
Since we did Biggie last week for the Giants, this week I get to celebrate the second greatest hip hop song of all time.
11. San Francisco 49ers (5-4, No. 12)
12. Seattle Seahawks (6-4, No. 7)
13. Washington Commanders (5-5, No. 16)
Could they be the first team to win the Super Bowl AND the Grammy for “Song of the Year” in the same year? The haters couldn’t stand that.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-4, No. 14)
With all due respect to Bootsy Collins …
15. New England Patriots (5-4, No. 15)
And for Boston, this song. Which is even better than Thin Lizzy …
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-5, No. 17)
When you go to the piano bar for the first every time:
17. Los Angeles Chargers (5-4, No. 13)
When you’re thinking about how you love hoodie season but also you’re kinda sick of all of the extra laundry you’ve had to do …
18. Arizona Cardinals (4-6, No. 20)
19. Green Bay Packers (4-6, No. 27)
When I ask my sons how all of the bobbleheads got knocked off the bookshelf:
20. Indianapolis Colts (4-5-1, No. 26)
Congratulations to Jeff Saturday for winning the Super Bowl or the EGOT or whatever.
21. Los Angeles Rams (3-6, No. 18)
22. Atlanta Falcons (4-6, No. 19)
But it could be worse. I mean, they could have gotten a 90-inch jump rope stuck in their bladder by … you know what, I can’t re-type these words.
23. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-6, No. 28)
And here, the Steelers were probably worried they couldn’t get anyone to come to their games for the rest of the season!
24. Detroit Lions (3-6, No. 29)
“Oh wow, maybe they won’t ruin Thanksgiving again this year” you think briefly knowing damn well they most certainly will.
25. Cleveland Browns (3-6, No. 21)
The only thing more disappointing than the Cleveland Browns is that I have to wait until January for the Christmas gift I got for myself to arrive.
26. New Orleans Saints (3-7, No. 22)
Relax, Saints fans. I have good news. Blur is getting back together! So you’ve got that going for you.
27. Denver Broncos (3-6, No. 23)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7, No. 24)
29. Chicago Bears (3-7, No. 25)
Congratulations to the Bears for being the first team to ever score 29 or more points in three straight games and lose all of them (hat tip CBS Sports). “LOL that’s embarrassing. We won’t ever have to worry about breaking that record,” the Denver Broncos said in response.
30. Carolina Panthers (3-7, No. 31)
31. Las Vegas Raiders (2-7, No. 30)
Josh McDaniels “doing a fantastic job:”
32. Houston Texans (1-7-1, No. 32)
You couldn’t possibly think I have something to say here, right?
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox