Here are my power rankings for Week 13 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (9-2, No. 1 ranking last week)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (10-1, No. 2)
So I feel like we need to talk about this. Is cream cheese something worth celebrating? Like, I understand that it’s called “Philadelphia” but, like, is it a particular source of pride? It’s … cream cheese. It’s fine. For example, if “Dap” was called “Baltimore Caulk,” would we show up at games with putty knives on our heads? Anywho, the Eagles won.
Other fan decisions made more sense.
3. Miami Dolphins (8-3, No. 3)
CBS reported that Tua Tagovailoa would look into mirrors last year and ask himself, “Do I suck?” I feel like Vanilla Ice could probably sue for gimmick infringement.
4. Buffalo Bills (8-3, No. 4)
When bae tells you she deleted the betting apps off your phone after a ROUGH NFL Sunday.
5. Dallas Cowboys (8-3, No. 6)
I, for one, think the Cowboys should take the airplane incident VERY seriously and choose to get out of the OBJ sweepstakes.
6. Minnesota Vikings (9-2, No. 7)
If we can’t count on Kirk Cousins to stink in primetime, what CAN we count on in this country? I mean, besides someone in your family thinking they’re SO smart because they can tell that everyone in the parade is lip syncing and going on about it like an idiot until the first football game starts.
7. San Francisco 49ers (7-4, No. 9)
The last time the 49ers allowed a second-half point, we still thought Twitter might be around in 2023.
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-4, No. 13)
And they’re about to get Ja’Marr Chase back, which feels kinda like Astros getting to throw José Abreu into the mix.
9. Baltimore Ravens (7-4, No. 5)
Also, shoutout to Dave in Salisbury for getting to the bottom of this.
10. Washington Commanders (7-5, No. 11)
The Washington Commanders are playing so well that you could say they’re even better than the Washington Commanders are at f*cking up literally everything they do.
11. Tennessee Titans (7-4, No. 8)
12. New York Jets (7-4, No. 15)
13. New York Giants (7-4, No. 10)
I mean, just a heroic cover drive though. Justin Herbert-esque. Absolute heroes.
14. Los Angeles Chargers (6-5, No. 17)
And the news gets even better because it appears as though by virtue of the win, they also get to hang on to this fan for another week, too.
15. Seattle Seahawks (6-5, No. 12)
“Once you’re backstage, just act confidently like you belong and they won’t kick you out.”
16. New England Patriots (6-5, No. 14)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-6, No. 16)
18. Las Vegas Raiders (4-7, No. 25)
Josh Jacobs accounted for 303 yards from scrimmage Sunday, or one for as many times as you’re going to say “yeah but you just can’t spend that type of money on a running back” in free agency this offseason.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7, No. 28)
ICYMI, CBS’ Andrew Catalon told Glenn Clark Radio that (according to sideline reporter Amanda Renner), the Jaguars’ mascot was forced to put more clothes on because … CLEARLY THE NFL HATES AMERICA.
20. Cleveland Browns (4-7, No. 27)
21. Atlanta Falcons (5-7, No. 18)
Trying to think of something interesting about the Falcons is more difficult than trying to remind myself to order a gift for my wife before Dec. 19.
22. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-7, No. 26)
MUST. BE. NICE.
23. Detroit Lions (4-7, No. 19)
The Lions narrowly lost to the Bills on Thanksgiving and it was without question one of the greatest moments in franchise history.
24. New Orleans Saints (4-8, No. 20)
25. Green Bay Packers (4-8, No. 21)
When your 5- and 7-year-old sons hit their 20th dropkick of the night on you.
26. Indianapolis Colts (4-7-1, No. 22)
No one wants to see the Steelers win but also …
27. Carolina Panthers (4-8, No. 31)
They’re the 27th-best team in the NFL and I look forward to seeing their first-round playoff matchup against the Vikings.
28. Arizona Cardinals (4-8, No. 23)
When Mrs. Clark asks me why the shelf I was trying to build for the kids’ room is at about a 12-degree angle.
29. Los Angeles Rams (3-8, No. 24)
Sometimes a cheap pop still works.
30. Denver Broncos (3-8, No. 29)
I’m not going to get sick of these.
31. Chicago Bears (3-9, No. 30)
Pretty big week for the bears tho.
32. Houston Texans (1-9-1, No. 32)
When I remember I have to try to say something about the Houston Texans on the internet this week.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox