Here are my power rankings for Week 17 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (12-3, No. 2 ranking last week)
How opposing defenses feel trying to stop Josh Allen in a two-minute drill.
2. Philadelphia Eagles (13-2, No. 1)
I really thought about keeping them at No. 1 since they played as well as they did without Jalen Hurts. And then I thought, “Why are you thinking so much about this? There are so many more pleasant things to think about. Like how your wife made stuffed shells for Christmas dinner and made enough for a week’s worth of leftovers and you can go have some more right now.”
So 15 minutes later I just kinda decided to stick with what I had.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (12-3, No. 3)
You just know there are women who returned home to KC this holiday season with their well-intentioned boyfriends who are starting to find their way professionally but their parents just looked at them and said, “Why can’t you find a real man? You know, like this one.”
4. San Francisco 49ers (11-4, No. 4)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (11-4, No. 5)
Thanks to the Bengals for helping the Ravens clinch a playoff berth, which was in no way helpful to the Ravens.
6. Minnesota Vikings (12-3, No. 6)
It’s nice to see people come around on the “maybe Justin Jefferson could be MVP” conversation we were having like two months ago. Remember when the rest of you were trying to Make Kirk Cousins the MVP candidate in Minnesota? That was funnier than the look Fuller gave Kevin when he noticed he was drinking Pepsi.
7. Dallas Cowboys (11-4, No. 7)
It’s that thing where I’m still mostly certain that they’re closer to “fraud” than “legitimate Super Bowl threat” but also, you guys, I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong. Like, 2008 for example. Just got the majority of 2008 wrong.
8. Baltimore Ravens (10-5, No. 8)
Another year in which Time had the opportunity to make things right and finally recognize Real Fan Dan as “Man of the Year” and failed.
9. Los Angeles Chargers (9-6, No. 9)
10. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8, No. 13)
No, they shouldn’t get a home playoff game. No, it shouldn’t matter that they beat the Ravens earlier in the year. But yes, the NFL has insanely stupid rules that allow for that to happen and yes, it’s kinda terrifying to think about how good Trevor Lawrence already is, even before adding Calvin Ridley to the mix next year.
11. Green Bay Packers (7-8, No. 21)
12. Miami Dolphins (8-7, No. 10)
Sure, Tua Tagovailoa appears to be completely risking his life every time he steps on the field but at least he’s doing it for an organization that has always been totally, fully and completely committed to him.
13. Detroit Lions (7-8, No. 11)
It’s that thing where for a second we all kinda forgot we were still talking about the Detroit Lions.
14. New York Giants (8-6-1, No. 12)
As I’ve said before, I typically search Twitter to see if there’s any humorous content related to these teams on Twitter when I do this and you guys, when you search “Giants” on Twitter this week you come across something very important.
15. Washington Commanders (7-7-1, No. 14)
Now the Commanders have to choose between Taylor Heinicke and Carson Wentz, which feels a lot like when I ask my 7-year-old if he wants green beans or asparagus with dinner.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-8, No. 22)
I know they managed to win but still.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-8, No. 23)
I mean, this is the single most “Pittsburgh” moment in history and I’m reasonably certain no one there would argue.
18. New England Patriots (7-8, No. 16)
You can’t get me to believe that Mac Jones didn’t grow up rooting for Duke basketball.
19. Tennessee Titans (7-8, No. 18)
Southwest Airlines thinks they’ve had a rough couple of weeks.
20. New York Jets (7-8, No. 19)
But getting Mike White back this week does potentially salvage their playoff hopes, which is a hell of a sentence that we would have laughed at had we said it out loud just a couple of months ago.
21. Carolina Panthers (6-9, No. 24)
This would be better if Malone were wearing a Lakers jersey (and if we weren’t comparing Josh Norman to one of the greatest players of all time), but the point stands.
22. Seattle Seahawks (7-8, No. 17)
When the juniors say they’re wearing shorts to the game and you’re a senior and you can’t get upstaged by some stupid junior.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (6-9, No. 15)
It’s cool it’s not like they went out and traded for Davante Adams and have the league’s leading rusher or anything like that.
24. New Orleans Saints (6-9, No. 25)
“Always bet against a dome team playing in arctic temperatures,” I said. “It’ll be like stealing money,” I thought, as I try to figure out which of the gifts Santa brought the kids I could return without them noticing.
25. Cleveland Browns (6-9, No. 20)
Real shame this isn’t working with Deshaun Watson so far. Just a real shame.
26. Los Angeles Rams (5-10, No. 29)
I’m not bitter. Don’t let the media say that I was bitter because I am absolutely not bitter. But, like, maybe it might have been worth giving the ball to Cam Akers before the season was already over???
27. Atlanta Falcons (5-10, No. 26)
28. Houston Texans (2-12-1, No. 32)
It’s the awkward thing where the Texans appear to be doing something but their games have been in such irrelevant times that how could we possibly know what it is that they’re doing?
29. Indianapolis Colts (4-10-1, No. 28)
I can’t believe that the Jeff Saturday thing hasn’t worked out the way literally every single one of us assumed it would.
30. Denver Broncos (4-11, No. 27)
31. Arizona Cardinals (4-11, No. 30)
32. Chicago Bears (3-12, No. 31)
But Justin Fields is still fun though.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox