Here are my power rankings for Week 3 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (2-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Big week for Jason Kelce. A win, a new Amazon documentary, a potential new future sister-in-law and I thought he sounded great on the new “Monday Night Football” open.
I’m sorry, I’m now being told that’s actually a DIFFERENT big white guy with a beard. Management regrets the error.
2. San Francisco 49ers (2-0, No. 2)
You ever read a tweet that says, “What is something that’s actually real but doesn’t feel real?”
3. Miami Dolphins (2-0, No. 3)
They’re very good now. Imagine how much better they could be if they could snap a football to a quarterback.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (1-1, No. 4)
It was good to win a game with Travis Kelce back but the offense still doesn’t seem right. I guess I don’t quite think they’re Out Of The Woods.
5. Baltimore Ravens (2-0, No. 5)
You: “The Ravens didn’t allow a single sack without two of their starting offensive linemen. I can’t imagine anything more impressive.”
The internet: “But wait. There’s more …”
6. Dallas Cowboys (2-0, No. 7)
The good news is that Cowboys fans aren’t massive weirdos and will definitely keep it in their pants between now and when they lose their first playoff game.
7. Buffalo Bills (1-1, No. 10)
Meanwhile, Bills fans were having a pretty normal weekend.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1, No. 6)
But if there’s good news for the Jaguars, it’s that everyone in Florida probably didn’t notice because they were too busy lighting cars on fire that belong to their ex-girlfriends who also happen to be their cousins.
9. New Orleans Saints (2-0, No. 17)
The Saints have now gone 10 straight games allowing 20 or fewer points. Which seems like a more wordy way of saying “the Saints play in the NFC South.”
10. Washington Commanders (2-0, No. 16)
Congratulations to the Commanders for two narrow wins against two of the worst teams in football, or as a 30-year-old Commanders fan I know described it, “the greatest day of my life.”
11. Detroit Lions (1-1, No. 8)
Imagine watching that game and thinking, “You know what? Maybe I’ll start betting on professional football.”
Also, you should bet on professional football with SuperBook. Use the code GlennClark23 and you’ll get a same day first bet match up to $250, win or lose. I’m absolutely not above this and you know it.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0, No. 19)
What you’re not going to get me to do is put my trust in Baker Mayfield in America in 2023.
13. Seattle Seahawks (1-1, No. 18)
When my mom would catch me calling into WHFS to try to talk to Adam and Dr. Drew on Loveline when I was 14 because I was too dumb to know the show was actually broadcast from California and literally taped the night before.
14. Atlanta Falcons (2-0, No. 22)
I speak on behalf of all Americans who have used the code GlennClark23 at SuperBook when I say that we should legally be allowed to know if the Falcons are wearing these uniforms before we choose how to bet their games.
15. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2, No. 11)
My 8-year-old son when I say “if you say another word, you’re going to be in trouble” but can’t think on my feet quickly enough to describe the trouble.
16. Los Angeles Rams (1-1, No. 14)
I never wish harm on anyone but as a Puka Nacua owner I hope Cooper Kupp never walks again.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1, No. 23)
18. Cleveland Browns (1-1, No. 13)
Real bummer for Deshaun Watson. You just hate to see these kinds of things happen to such swell guys.
19. Los Angeles Chargers (0-2, No. 12)
Me when I see someone suggest the Orioles should consider trading away Ryan O’Hearn this offseason …
20. Green Bay Packers (1-1, No. 15)
When you’re 20 and you get to work on a Sunday morning and one of your older co-workers says “dude, are you gonna make it through this one?” and you start to say “bro I got this …”
21. Tennessee Titans (1-1, No. 26)
Sad news though, as apparently backup quarterback Will Levis broke up with his Gia Duddy, which apparently was his girlfriend and NOT my dad’s reaction to getting a bad Christmas present that I will inevitably start using soon, too.
22. New York Jets (1-1, No. 9)
But if there’s good news, there’s totally lots of weeks left before they’re right back in a prime television window again.
23. Minnesota Vikings (0-2, No. No. 20)
They signed Dalton Risner and there’s smoke about them trading for Cam Akers, so maybe just getting rid of football players ISN’T the correct way to build a football team?
24. New York Giants (1-1, No. 28)
I firmly believe that the Giants’ stunning, dramatic, miraculous come-from-behind win against the (checks notes) Arizona Cardinals must be a singular turning point for their franchise.
25. Las Vegas Raiders (1-1, No. 21)
Is putting them on “Sunday Night Football” against Kenny Pickett like some sort of threat from NBC executives to the writers about the future of entertainment if the strike doesn’t end soon?
26. Indianapolis Colts (1-1, No. 30)
Since he might be called upon in Baltimore next week …
27. New England Patriots (0-2, No. 25)
Me, literally every time I’ve attempted to do something that required an amount of athleticism.
28. Chicago Bears (0-2, No. 24)
Imagine how stupid you would have had to have been to have bet the Bears to win the NFC North.
Using SuperBook with the code GlennClark23.
29. Denver Broncos (0-2, No. 25)
You ever gone out and have a rip-roaring, hell of a good time drunken night and then find out that you COULD have hooked up with a really attractive girl but you were just … too drunk? That’s the best equivalent I can come up with for “literally succeeding on a game-tying Hail Mary only to not tie the game.”
30. Carolina Panthers (0-2, No. 29)
My worst personal story of this type of event actually happened in Charlotte. And it was still a dramatically better night than the Panthers’ Monday night.
31. Houston Texans (0-2, No. 31)
We can talk about the Texans OR we can talk about the CORNBREAD SAUSAGE BOMBS new this year at the Texas State Fair. Your call.
32. Arizona Cardinals (0-2, No. 32)
If there’s good news for the Cardinals … Adam Wainwright reached 200 career wins.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox