Here are my power rankings for Week 4 of the NFL season.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (3-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The wording could have been better but I hate how hard I popped for this.
2. San Francisco 49ers (3-0, No. 2)
If you had bet the San Francisco 49ers to score exactly 30 points in each of their first three games, you would have won $193,845,833,022,845,763,299,992.
(Editor’s note: I’m now being told this is just a random collection of numbers I strung together and not the actual winnings. Management regrets the error.)
3. Miami Dolphins (3-0, No. 3)
When your deception strategy worked and Mikey J was finally able to win Capture The Flag 40 minutes after the game stopped being fun …
4. Kansas City Chiefs (2-1, No. 4)
I’ve been wondering to myself recently, “Do you think there are any celebrity fans of the Kansas City Chiefs?” I wonder if any of those might come out in the coming weeks of this otherwise mundane season.
5. Buffalo Bills (2-1, No. 7)
Good news! Next week’s Bills-Dolphins game looks like an early contender for Game of the Year, so enjoy (checks notes) Patriots-Cowboys and Chiefs-Jets in the national TV windows!
6. Baltimore Ravens (2-1, No. 5)
When my wife asks me what I think about the possibility of her getting some sort of cosmetic procedure:
7. Detroit Lions (2-1, No. 11)
I can’t believe that the year we finally have something else to watch on Thanksgiving besides the Lions game is the year we finally want to watch the Lions game on Thanksgiving.
8. Dallas Cowboys (2-1, No. 6)
Oh that’s too bad.
9. Seattle Seahawks (2-1, No. 13)
You wanna see a dead body?
10. Green Bay Packers (2-1, No. 20)
Not all heroes wear cheeseheads.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2, No. 15)
I guess they’re cool now? I think? I mean, it wasn’t pretty but like, it happened? It’s basically “Anchorman 2,” right?
12. New Orleans Saints (2-1, No. 9)
Dude, lots of teams blow 17-point fourth-quarter leads.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1, No. 17)
Congratulations to the Steelers for … being stuck on a plane together for 10 hours and not devolving into “Lord of the Flies.”
14. Cleveland Browns (2-1, No. 18)
Since they’re on a three-game streak of posting the best defensive performance in the NFL, I think the appropriate answer is “The Brown Streaks,” no?
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1, No. 12)
When you’re pretty sure that none of this will ultimately matter anyway.
16. Los Angeles Chargers (1-2, No. 19)
The good is that they won a game. The bad is that they lost Mike Williams. The indifferent is that the Chargers.
17. Atlanta Falcons (2-1, No. 14)
Me personally, I probably wouldn’t have Desmond Ridder throw it 38 times and Bijan Robinson only run it 10 times but what do I know? I’m just an internationally regarded offensive genius.
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2, No. 8)
The good news for the Jags is that no one in Florida likely noticed because they were too busy … getting bitten by rabid otters somehow?
19. Washington Commanders (2-1, No. 10)
Commanders fans had the pleasure of seeing more sacks than a urologist.
20. Los Angeles Rams (1-2, No. 16)
21. Indianapolis Colts (2-1, No. 26)
They lost to this.
22. Houston Texans (1-2, No. 31)
This is the play of the century in professional football.
23. Arizona Cardinals (1-2, No. 32)
24. New England Patriots (1-2, No. 27)
25. Tennessee Titans (1-2, No. 21)
94 total yards.
94 TOTAL YARDS.
Like … total.
That’s the most embarrassing thing to happen to Nashville since Kid Rock bought a bar downtown.
26. Minnesota Vikings (0-3, No. 23)
There’s some bluster about the possibility of the Vikings trading Kirk Cousins to the Jets … BUT … he has a no-trade clause. So they could win nothing then lose him for nothing at the end of the season. Which, if we’re being honest, might as well be the definition of Cousins’ autobiography.
27. Las Vegas Raiders (1-2, No. 25)
28. New York Giants (1-2, No. 24)
We could talk about the Giants or we could talk about America’s Sweetheart. You know, Piss Jug Man.
29. New York Jets (1-2, No. 22)
Find you a man who believes in you as unconditionally as they do Zach Wilson.
And if you’re the Jets, find you a man who is not Zach Wilson.
30. Carolina Panthers (0-3, No. 30)
The Panthers had more false starts than Glenn Clark had during his freshman year of college.
31. Denver Broncos (0-3, No. 29)
32. Chicago Bears (0-3, No. 28)
Money laundering scheme.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox