Here are my power rankings for Week 15 of the NFL season.
1. San Francisco 49ers (10-3 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
We live in a world where Brock Purdy might be MVP and Tommy DeVito is unbeatable and maybe it’s for the best that Lamar Jackson took his money when he did because the “just draft a bunch of quarterbacks” era might truly be on the way.
2. Dallas Cowboys (10-3, No. 2)
And if Brock Purdy isn’t MVP, it will probably be … yeah, you guessed it, Brandon Aubrey.
3. Baltimore Ravens (10-3, No. 3)
What the bacon-wrapped scallops see at the holiday party.
4. Buffalo Bills (7-6, No. 12)
Is it crazy for me to move them all the way up to No. 4 after that win just because most of the teams in front of them lost? Probably! But like John Harbaugh said, in 500 years we’re all going to be dead so maybe you just keep reading and don’t overthink it.
5. Denver Broncos (7-6, No. 11)
Broncos country, let’s … ride?
6. Miami Dolphins (9-4, No. 4)
The good news for the Dolphins is that I don’t think anyone in Florida even noticed because they were too busy getting arrested for getting Waffle House tattoos and then refusing to pay for them.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (10-3, No. 5)
When it’s a metaphor.
8. Detroit Lions (9-4, No. 6)
Perhaps they’re also tanking for Caitlin Clark?
9. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5, No. 7)
10. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5, No. 9)
Yeah that makes sense that they weren’t able to overcome the loss of Trevor Lawr…
11. Cleveland Browns (8-5, No. 15)
12. Cincinnati Bengals (7-6, No. 17)
Jake Browning’s next contract.
13. Houston Texans (7-6, No. 8)
W … and I repeat … ut?
14. Indianapolis Colts (7-6, No. 13)
I really want to say that they’re frauds but, like, you know, so is everyone else.
15. Green Bay Packers (6-7, No. 10)
16. Los Angeles Rams (6-7, No. 14)
They’re really good and played a hell of a football game. You can do your own shtick. I was impressed.
17. Minnesota Vikings (7-6, No. 18)
It’s the holiday season and it’s important that we think of the less fortunate. Like the people who had to watch this football game.
18. New Orleans Saints (6-7, No. 22)
When Mr. Turner had to pull Cory and Shawn apart in the hallway in Season 3 and said “you guys know you’re fighting each other?”
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-7, No. 24)
The NFC South is a money laundering scheme.
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-6, No. 16)
Ten million people tuned into a streaming service for that.
Including, obviously, all of us.
21. Seattle Seahawks (6-7, No. 19)
When you ask her what she wants for Christmas and she says “I want you to get me what you want to get me” instead of just telling you so that no one in your house is wasting any money.
22. Atlanta Falcons (6-7, No. 20)
When you’re genuinely not sure who this is cringiest for.
23. New York Giants (5-8, No. 25)
24. Chicago Bears (5-8, No. 26)
Told you guys the Bears were gonna figure it out. Had ’em the whole way.
25. Tennessee Titans (5-8, No. 27)
‘Preciate you, pimps.
26. Los Angeles Chargers (5-8, No. 21)
Maybe they could ask to defer his money for 20 years?
27. New York Jets (5-8, No. 29)
It’s like we all said throughout the week, this organization is a picture of cohesion and strength.
28. Las Vegas Raiders (5-8, No. 23)
If former WWE superstar Enzo Amore had a dime for every point they scored, he’d have ZERO DIMES!
29. Arizona Cardinals (3-10, No. 28)
If your bye week was in Phoenix, you could have spent it with Rodeo Hall of Famer Ty Murray, “Legally Blonde” book author Amanda Brown or “Whose Line Is It Anyway” star and international sex symbol Greg Proops.
30. New England Patriots (3-10, No. 31)
Gonna tell my kids this is what happens if you use marijuana even once.
31. Washington Commanders (4-9, No. 30)
And if your final bye week of the year happened in the District, you could have gotten in some face time with SNL alum Ana Gasteyer, former Browns return specialist Josh Cribbs or R&B star and one-fourth of the 2001 “Lady Marmalade” remake Mya.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-12, No. 32)
No.
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