Here are my power rankings for Week 9 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (7-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Oh sure. Neat. Good for them. Super special story. Warms the heart, really.
2. Detroit Lions (6-1, No. 2)
Jared Goff needed to throw for just 85 yards to beat the Titans, or one for every time you thought to yourself, “Holy crap, have they really scored 52 points while Jared Goff has only thrown for 85 yards?”
3. Green Bay Packers (6-2, No. 5)
Smart to keep Malik Willis warm for when the Packers ultimately move on from Jordan Love and he signs with the Jets in 14 years.
4. Houston Texans (6-2, No. 6)
It’s that thing where I know they’re good but also, are they good?
5. Washington Commanders (6-2, No. 7)
6. Buffalo Bills (6-2, No. 8)
Congratulations to the Bills for more or less clinching the AFC East again.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (5-3, No. 9)
When you had 2-30 beers last night and had to be at your box store job at 6 a.m.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2, No. 10)
There is absolutely nothing in football better for vibes than back to back primetime home games against New York teams. Worth at least a billion dollars worth of vibes.
9. Baltimore Ravens (5-3, No. 3)
Just out here failing the elective everyone takes because it’s an Easy A.
10. Minnesota Vikings (5-2, No. 4)
They were always coming back to earth. It was as inevitable as me purchasing this Oregon Trail Christmas ornament the moment I became aware it existed.
11. Denver Broncos (5-3, No. 15)
Oh cool. Yeah. No way this is something we’ll be discussing in a few days.
12. San Francisco 49ers (4-4, No. 16)
You guys can scream about a hat. I’d rather talk about former Terp Sam Okuayinonu, who now has three sacks on the season.
13. Atlanta Falcons (5-3, No. 18)
Absolutely no notes. None.
14. Chicago Bears (4-3, No. 12)
If I send you this, it means don’t be so confident that we’re getting an “A” on the group project because I absolutely did not do my part of the assignment.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4, No. 11)
16. Arizona Cardinals (4-4, No. 20)
I have never been more surprised by anything in my life than the Cardinals following up a good win with another good win. Never.
17. Seattle Seahawks (4-4, No. 13)
I know what you’re thinking.
Yep. It’s exactly like when Cory and Shawn are fighting in the hallway and Mr. Turner breaks them up and then Eli says, “Did you guys know you were fighting each other?”
It’s what we were all thinking.
18. Los Angeles Chargers (4-3, No. 21)
Nathan Shepherd is political ads. Bradley Bozeman is all of us.
19. Los Angeles Rams (3-4, No. 22)
It’s that thing where they look dramatically better with their wide receivers and they probably deserved to win but still, not like that.
20. Cincinnati Bengals (3-5, No. 14)
I still don’t think they’re done. I can’t quit them.
21. Dallas Cowboys (3-4, No. 17)
When it’s going well.
22. Indianapolis Colts (4-4, No. 19)
Gotta be honest, I’m feeling a bit tired. I’m gonna tag out of power rankings here for a second but I’ll be back for 23.
23. Cleveland Browns (2-6, No. 31)
Look, he deserves credit. He also won a game where he should have had three or four interceptions. But this guy, man.
24. New England Patriots (2-6, No. 32)
Language. And perfect.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6, No. 23)
Oof.
26. Miami Dolphins (2-5, No. 25)
The good news for the Dolphins is that no one in Florida likely noticed because they were all too busy … attempting to defraud FedExout of $750,000 by claiming items weren’t correctly delivered … or something … to notice.
27. New Orleans Saints (2-6, No. 24)
You need a fantasy defense this week. Someone is playing against the Saints.
28. New York Jets (2-6, No. 26)
When it’s also going well.
29. New York Giants (2-6, No. 27)
30. Las Vegas Raiders (2-6, No. 28)
31. Tennessee Titans (2-5, No. 29)
32. Carolina Panthers (1-6, No. 30)
Dwayne Wade’s statue-makers think the Panthers don’t have much to offer.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox