Here are my power rankings for Week 10 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (8-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
It’s not just that they’re 8-0. It’s that they’re 8-0 while having to play with horseshoes directly up their collective asses.
2. Detroit Lions (7-1, No. 2)
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-3, No. 9)
Grateful the Ravens went ahead and took care of business so we could all put our entire focus on what matters most this week.
You know, going to see “Heretic!” Topher Grace is back, baby!
4. Washington Commanders (7-2, No. 5)
And now Ravens fans will be Commanders fans for a week as they face the Steelers. So how does this work, exactly? I mean, obviously we’ll scream about the past and pretend like every completed pass is the greatest thing that has happened in the history of football but like, what else?
5. Buffalo Bills (7-2, No. 6)
Congratulations to the Bills, who won on a 61-yard field goal at the buzzer, or 1 yard for every time a Bills fan will scream about Josh Allen being MVP but then run away when reminded of what happened in Week 4.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (6-3, No. 7)
When you’re 13 and playing basketball against 10-year-olds at the trampoline park.
7. Green Bay Packers (6-3, No. 3)
To be fair to the Packers, the weather was really bad yesterday and that usually isn’t the case when you play your home games in (checks notes) Green Bay.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2, No. 8)
Almost nothing good has ever come from Pittsburgh (we remain thankful that Topanga didn’t have to move to that hellscape with her parents). But “Zack and Miri” was fun and while little of the scene can be shared here (and even this still comes with a language warning), it provided us with the single most on the nose portrayal of Steelers fans ever.
9. Minnesota Vikings (6-2, No. 10)
Sam Darnold’s MVP odds are +2500 if for some reason you’d particularly like to light some money on fire today.
10. Atlanta Falcons (6-3, No. 13)
Me: “Kids, we gotta go, it’s time to put your shoes on.”
My kids:
Me, five minutes later: “The hell are they doing?
My kids:
11. Houston Texans (6-3, No. 4)
Have you no shame? Out here losing to Aaron Rodgers in 2024 in front of God and everybody?
12. San Francisco 49ers (4-4, No. 12)
Lots of shows are set in San Francisco. But which one had Little Richard and The Beach Boys just ringing the doorbell? You got it, dude.
13. Arizona Cardinals (5-4, No. 16)
Welp. My theory that “you absolutely cannot trust the Cardinals even when things are going well” is apparently shot. It’s time to acknowledge that this is real and go for the ride.
So yes, they’ll absolutely lose to the Jets on Sunday.
14. Los Angeles Chargers (5-3, No. 18)
Yes, they’re good. For sure. But let’s be fair. It was the Browns. I mean, imagine losing to the Browns. That would be so embarra…
15. Los Angeles Rams (4-4, No. 19)
16. Denver Broncos (5-4, No. 11)
17. Cincinnati Bengals (4-5, No. 20)
I want to be the first to share my concern for Tee Higgins and Orlando Brown Jr.’s health and say that they shouldn’t try to rush back. Some Bengals fans might suggest that “this is a big week” and “they need to be on the field” but those of us who care the most know that they shouldn’t be out here rushing to get back. Take care of yourselves.
18. Chicago Bears (4-4, No. 14)
When you’re like six questions into the SAT and you realize college probably isn’t your path.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5, No. 15)
20. Seattle Seahawks (4-5, No. 17)
Geno Smith is Dean Kremer, right? Fun as hell, really good sometimes and you’re inclined to like them. But like, this is it. This is what it’s going to be. There’s just no corner to turn.
21. New York Jets (3-6, No. 21)
I might never forgive the Texans for making us have to deal with more of their nonsense.
Still.
22. Dallas Cowboys (3-5, No. 21)
When he’s right.
23. Indianapolis Colts (4-5, No. 22)
24. Tennessee Titans (3-5, No. 31)
It’s all changing for the Titans now.
For example, now they might not have the pick they’ll need to draft their quarterback.
25. Cleveland Browns (2-7, No. 23)
I know that since this moment he’s become Jameis Winston again but still, this is funny.
26. New England Patriots (2-7, No. 24)
If you lose a game after you do this, it should count as two.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-7, No. 25)
The good news for the Jaguars is that no one in Florida likely noticed because they were too busy … hacking into Disney World to change their menu fonts to Wingdings … or something … to notice.
28. Miami Dolphins (2-6, No. 26)
But they should probably be OK whenever they get Tua back.
29. Carolina Panthers (2-6, No. 32)
I doubt it was Diontae Johnson that was holding them back, but …
30. New Orleans Saints (2-7, No. 27)
They fired the coach though, so that should solve the problem.
31. New York Giants (2-7, No. 29)
Imagine thinking there’s something to say about the Giants.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-7, No. 30)
Good thing they’re hanging on to Maxx Crosby, though. Without him they might have only won two games so far.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox