Here are my power rankings for Week 11 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (9-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The Broncos were in such good position to win the game that I honestly assumed that was going to happen and I’m not remotely kidding.
2. Detroit Lions (8-1, No. 2)
3. Baltimore Ravens (7-3, No. 3)
You really think that a team with players who wear each other’s underwear isn’t winning the Super Bowl?
4. Buffalo Bills (8-2, No. 5)
So we’re obviously going to convince ourselves all week that they can beat the Chiefs and they’ll probably have a three-touchdown lead in the third quarter and then end up leading by one score late and when they go to take the game-winning kneel-down, lightning will strike and the ball will come free and Chiefs will inevitably be 10-0.
5. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3, No. 6)
To be fair, “professionals” is a really charitable way to describe the Dallas Cowboys.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-2, No. 8)
You think I’m stupid enough to make a joke before the Ravens-Steelers game? That would be dumber than thinking French fries on a sandwich are a culinary achievement.
7. Green Bay Packers (6-3, No. 7)
Of course the Wisconsin choice was going to be “That 70’s Show.” The clip almost HAD to be “bare-assed and holding a plastic bat, that’s your son Kitty.”
8. Minnesota Vikings (7-2, No. 9)
The most interesting thing that happened in this football game by a billion:
9. Arizona Cardinals (6-4, No. 13)
The masculine urge to say “it’s the Cardinals, they’re going to screw it up” no matter how good they look.
10. San Francisco 49ers (5-4, No. 12)
11. Washington Commanders (7-3, No. 4)
You had one job.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (6-3, No. 14)
When someone puts “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” on the TouchTunes.
13. Atlanta Falcons (6-4, No. 10)
The good news for the Falcons is that the Saints fans were probably a super understanding bunch who didn’t feel the need to rub it in or anything.
14. Houston Texans (6-4, No. 11)
Lookin’ kinda money laundering scheme-y.
15. Miami Dolphins (3-6, No. 28)
No one … and I mean no one … hands the state of Florida 13 losses in one football weekend.
16. Los Angeles Rams (4-5, No. 15)
I understand the appeal of the “musician” Mk.gee more than I understand how a team with Cooper Kupp and Puka Nacua can’t score a freaking touchdown.
17. Denver Broncos (5-5, No. 16)
I’m sure they’ll totally just move on from this though. Hard to imagine there will be any lingering effects.
18. Cincinnati Bengals (4-6, No. 17)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6, No. 19)
Baker Mayfield if he had one freaking arm >>>>> Daniel Jones.
20. Seattle Seahawks (4-5, No. 20)
Imagine thinking I would choose anything other than the most truthful statement in film history.
21. New England Patriots (3-7, No. 26)
22. New Orleans Saints (3-7, No. 30)
Celebrities, they really are just like us.
23. Chicago Bears (4-5, No. 18)
Remember how excited we were about them two weeks and one play ago?
24. Indianapolis Colts (4-6, No. 23)
Look man, I love Joe Flacco. Big Joe Flacco guy. But … uhh … whudder we doing here, exactly?
25. Cleveland Browns (2-7, No. 25)
Cleveland has never given us anything … greater than Darren McGavin’s phenomenal performance.
26. New York Jets (3-7, No. 21)
Trey McBride is America, gleefully dunking on the New York Jets at every turn. The New York Jets are the New York Jets.
27. Carolina Panthers (3-6, No. 29)
When she says the kids are spending the night at their grandmother’s house.
28. Tennessee Titans (3-6, No. 24)
Sometimes I think out loud, “What exactly was the Titans’ plan when they moved on from Derrick Henry?”
I’m not sure I’m ever going to come up with the answer.
29. Dallas Cowboys (3-6, No. 22)
This bit will never not be hilarious.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-8, No. 27)
The good news for the Jags is that no one in Florida was likely watching because they were too busy…pleading guilty for schemes to generate “over $7 million in fraudulent EPA renewable fuels credits and sought over $6 million in fraudulent tax credits connected to the purported production of biodiesel” … or something … to notice.
Which is equally the single least and single most “Florida Man” thing ever.
31. New York Giants (2-8, No. 31)
Again, imagine thinking there’s something interesting to say about the Giants.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-7, No. 32)
It’s hard to pick which scene from “The Hangover” to use here, but also obviously it’s the rooftop scene. (Minor language.)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox