Here are my power rankings for Week 12 of the NFL season.
1. Detroit Lions (9-1 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
It’s that thing where you REALLY want to believe in the Lions but make no mistake, if they’re condoning this type of disgusting behavior then karma will get them.
2. Buffalo Bills (9-2, No. 4)
Congratulations to the Bills for the best moment* in Buffalo in years.
(*Non-dildo throwing moment, of course.)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-1, No. 1)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (8-2, No. 5)
The Eagles are cruising, looking like world-beaters going into late November. What could go wrong?
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-2, No. 6)
Voodoo, man. Voodoo. Gonna need a witch doctor or something.
6. Green Bay Packers (7-3, No. 7)
Maybe voodootoo?
7. Minnesota Vikings (8-2, No. 8)
Genuinely have no idea how good they are. Which is true for most of the NFL but for some reason seems to stand out for the Vikings for some reason.
8. Baltimore Ravens (7-4, No. 3)
9. Arizona Cardinals (6-4, No. 9)
Technically, “Superbad” wasn’t set in a real place. But my cousin came all the way from Scottsdale, Ariz., to be here tonight, you’re not going to sing for him?
(Note to my old friend Judd Apatow: if you release the footage of Michael Cera singing “Thong Song” here, I will use it again for Baltimore’s bye week.)
10. Los Angeles Chargers (7-3, No. 12)
Genuinely happy for J.K. Dobbins until Monday night.
11. Houston Texans (7-4, No. 14)
This is beautiful.
12. Denver Broncos (6-5, No. 17)
13. Los Angeles Rams (5-5, No. 16)
The whole division is going to be 9-8 or 8-9, isn’t it?
14. Washington Commanders (7-4, No. 11)
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15. Miami Dolphins (4-6, No. 15)
Did you guys realize that the Thanksgiving night game is Packers-Dolphins? The strategy for planning Thanksgiving football was just to, like, throw a bunch of names in a hat and pull two out or like?
16. Seattle Seahawks (5-5, No. 20)
My gut is that it’s a win that hurts their ability to find a quarterback but it was still fun as hell.
17. San Francisco 49ers (5-5, No. 10)
What, uhh, and I repeat, what?
18. Atlanta Falcons (6-5, No. 13)
NFC South gonna NFC South.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6, No. 19)
If we’re being honest, there isn’t a redeemable movie or TV show set in Tampa but nothing screams St. Petersburg quite like the Alien character from “Spring Breakers.”
20. Indianapolis Colts (5-6, No. 24)
Decent tweet.
21. New Orleans Saints (4-7, No. 22)
22. Cincinnati Bengals (4-7, No. 18)
Hi the Bengals face the Steelers twice before the season is over so, like, how do we now learn how to be Bengals fans? I mean, other than spending hours on the toilet after eating terrible chili?
23. New England Patriots (3-8, No. 21)
Congratulations to Patriots fans, who are very excited that their quarterback played fairly well in a loss. That’s a big moment for a moribund franchise.
24. Chicago Bears (4-6, No. 23)
25. Cleveland Browns (2-8, No. 25)
Man, how many more weeks am I supposed to pretend there’s something to say about the Cleveland Browns?
26. New York Jets (3-8, No. 26)
I know I’m a bit cynical at this point in my life, but I want to offer you a solemn promise that I will never stop taking joy in watching how badly the Jets screwed this up.
27. Carolina Panthers (3-7, No. 27)
Since they’re the CAROLINA Panthers, that gives us all of North Carolina to work with for a bye week scene. So we wander a bit northeast to Durham …
28. Tennessee Titans (2-8, No. 28)
29. Dallas Cowboys (3-7, No. 29)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9, No. 30)
The good news for the Jaguars is that likely no one in Florida was watching because … they were too busy getting arrested for impersonating an undercover cop to avoid a background check … for the third time … to even notice.
31. New York Giants (2-8, No. 31)
You’re going to be dismissive of my choice of “Home Alone 2” for New York but you guys, I’m just not concerned about your opinion on the subject.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-8, No. 32)
Not the worst thing that happened in Vegas this week.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox