Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
1. Detroit Lions (4-1 record, No. 3 ranking last week)
Their coach is great. Their running backs are throwing Derrick Henry-style touchdowns. Their highly-paid wide receiver was targeted just once and didn’t bitch about it. It’s like they’re playing a completely different sport.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-1, No. 6)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1, No. 1)
This is a genuinely crazy effort, though.
4. Buffalo Bills (4-1, No. 2)
As bad as it was for the Bills, it was definitely worse for this gentleman, who I’m guessing had a warrant out for his arrest.
5. Indianapolis Colts (4-1, No. 10)
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-1, No. 12)
7. San Francisco 49ers (4-1, No. 13)
Did you know the Rams’ assistant head coach is named Aubrey? Probably shoulda known he was going to get ethered by Kendrick (Bourne).
8. Green Bay Packers (2-1-1, No. 8)
We’ve done a lot of bye week shtick through the years. This year I want to learn about drinks that are unique to the geographical areas. For example, if you spent a bye week in Green Bay you could, for some reason, enjoy a “Brandy Old Fashioned” …
During World War II, alcohol grains were sent to the front in Europe. That meant US alcohol producers had to rely on subpar ingredients — and the results were questionable. Luckily, some lost cases of aged brandy found their way to Wisconsin, and the spirit’s popularity took off. We already loved Old Fashioneds, so we started using brandy and never looked back.
9. Denver Broncos (3-2, No. 14)
And the Broncos now lead the NFL with 21 sacks, which by my math is 27 more than the Ravens.
10. Los Angeles Rams (3-2, No. 4)
Would hate to be the team that has to face a Rams team that is probably super pissed off and will be working on extra rest. That’s gonna be tough. Hopefully that team, whoever they are, is very healthy and doesn’t have any current issues.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1, No. 11)
Pass a bye week in Pittsburgh with a delicious Imp’n’Ahn. It is exactly the type of sh*t you’d think they would drink in Pittsburgh …
“In Yinzer, this is a mixed drink, useful in drowning one’s sorrows after a particularly disappointing loss by the Pittsburgh Steelers. … It is a Depth Charge Boilermaker made with Iron City Beer and Imperial Whiskey.”
12. Seattle Seahawks (3-2, No. 7)
I was to understand that if Mike Macdonald was the coach, the Ravens would have never given up a point, though.
13. Washington Commanders (3-2, No. 15)
I play in a league in which Bill Croskey-Merritt is somehow available. I’m prepared to throw like $50 worth of FAAB at him. If that’s not enough, he will most likely be Rookie of the Year and finish with 2,000 yards. If it is, he will be garbage and I’m sorry to our friends to the south.
14. New England Patriots (3-2, No. 18)
15. Minnesota Vikings (3-2, No. 16)
I truly do not understand why they run any play that isn’t “throw the ball to Jefferson.”
16. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3, No. 5)
Maybe last week’s result actually told us more about the other team.
17. Chicago Bears (2-2, No. 17)
This is our bye week theme because Chicago was in the first batch and these psychopaths choose to consume Malört so they deserve everything that comes to them.
But somehow they managed to make it worse. Last year, they were doing Cicada-infused Malört …
“Believe it or not, the 17-year-old virgin cicadas bring a flavor reminiscent of succulent lobster to this insanely delicious concoction,” the brewery wrote in an Instagram post. “It’s a taste you won’t find anywhere else, and it’s only available once every 17 years!”
18. Los Angeles Chargers (3-2, No. 9)
And with Omarion Hampton now hurt on top of Najee Harris, Kimani Vidal, a potential Gus Edwards reunion or like, just getting Jim Harbaugh all jacked up on a gallon of milk and letting him loose I guess.
19. Houston Texans (2-3, No. 22)
20. Atlanta Falcons (2-2, No. 20)
Apparently Georgia’s signature cocktail is the “Scarlet O’Hara,” which…sounds great.
“Georgia’s Scarlet O’Hara emerged as the country’s 45th-favorite cocktail to toast the New Year with in 2022. The Peach State’s signature drink gets its name from the hero in the 1936 novel by Margaret Mitchell, “Gone With the Wind,” which was set in both Clayton County and Atlanta. The cocktail is made with fruit-flavored whiskey liqueur, cranberry juice and fresh lime juice, served in a martini glass.”
21. Dallas Cowboys (2-2-1, No. 25)
The Cowboys haven’t won a game against a team that isn’t in New York and you’ll be stunned to learn that their fans think Dak Prescott is the MVP.
22. Carolina Panthers (2-3, No. 26)
23. Baltimore Ravens (1-4, No. 19)
24. Tennessee Titans (1-4, No. 31)
Just like they drew it up.
25. Arizona Cardinals (2-3, No. 21)
More like Emari Demer-cant-do, emmirite?
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3, No. 23)
27. New Orleans Saints (1-4, No. 32)
Congratulations to Spencer Rattler, who avoided joining DeShone Kizer, Jack Trudeau, Stan Gelbaugh and Troy Aikman as the only quarterbacks to start their career 0-12. And who would want to join that list? Scrub, scrub, scrub, scr … wait a second.
28. New York Giants (1-4, No. 24)
Remember when Brian Daboll was making out with Jaxson Dart last week because he saved his job for a few days?
29. Cleveland Browns (1-4, No. 28)
Pretty good weekend for them. They almost won a game.
30. Miami Dolphins (1-4, No. 27)
The good news for the Dolphins is that no one in Florida likely even noticed because they were all too busy driving over 100 mph with the very reasonable excuse of being late to their haircut.
31. Las Vegas Raiders (1-4, No. 29)
I can’t believe (checks notes) Geno Smith isn’t leading the (checks notes) Raiders directly to the Super Bowl in (checks notes) 2025.
32. New York Jets (0-5, No. 30)
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