Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-1 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
I know that by next week we’re going to have a new No. 1 ranked team and MVP frontrunner but yeah, this is fun as hell.
2. Indianapolis Colts (5-1, No. 5)
Their 194 points scored are the most they’ve ever scored through six games and it one for as many times as you’ve said “wait, are they really doing this?”
3. Detroit Lions (4-2, No. 1)
4. Green Bay Packers (3-1-1, No. 8)
This despite Micah Parsons only having 2.5 sacks. Or as the Ravens would call it, “a miracle!”
5. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2, No. 3)
Congratulations to former Raven Za’Darius Smith on getting away from Eagles fans and also his retirement.
6. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3, No. 16)
And now they get Rashee Rice back. You just love it when good things happen to incredibly unlikeable people.
7. Denver Broncos (4-2, No. 9)
8. Los Angeles Rams (4-2, No. 10)
They were kinda OK at football but dramatically worse at trolling.
(I’m just imagining there being multiple high fives from people who have no idea why this is so stupid.)
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1, No. 11)
Me to anyone who wants me to believe the Steelers are #actuallygood.
10. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 4)
The Bills are just as mid is everyone else in the NFL. This is the NFL your uncle thinks the government wants.
11. Seattle Seahawks (4-2, No. 12)
THIS is how you troll.
12. New England Patriots (4-2, No. 14)
This is the Patriots’ first three-game winning streak since 2022. And wow, that’s amazing.
Wait. Is it? 2022 was only a couple of years ago. But yeah, thoughts to those long-suffering Patriots fans who had to go a whole two full football seasons without a three-game winning streak.
13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2, No. 6)
Yo, the Seahawks are actually REALLY good at the postgame troll Tweets.
14. Chicago Bears (3-2, No. 17)
Very smart decision to make sure the Commanders didn’t get even one play with the ball at the end of the game.
15. Minnesota Vikings (3-2, No. 15)
It’s a shame Minnesota’s bye week wasn’t in December because one unique cocktail in the state is the holiday “Tom & Jerry” and … maybe?
The Tom and Jerry thrives in the cold, snowy states of Minnesota and Wisconsin, where the winter months can take their toll. The rich, silky punch is made using a two-part process. First, you make (or buy) the batter. Whip egg whites to create a meringue-like texture, and fold into a mixture of the yolks and spices like cinnamon and allspice.
Then, you make a punch with brandy, rum, and warm milk. To serve, scoop the batter into a mug, top with warm punch, and gently stir. The result combines the childlike pleasure of a just-baked Christmas cookie with the distinctly adult perk of booze.
16. San Francisco 49ers (4-2, No. 7)
This is like that scene from Avengers except Gamora asks Thanos “did you get a healthy Christian McCaffrey?”
(If you don’t know Avengers or internet memes, he says “Yes,” she asks “what did it cost?” and he says “everything” and I say “let’s move on to No. 17.)
17. Los Angeles Chargers (4-2, No. 18)
It’s that thing where, like, this was cool and all but also, kinda alarming you needed it to beat the (checks notes) Dolphins.
18. Atlanta Falcons (3-2, No. 20)
And also.
19. Houston Texans (2-3, No. 19)
If you spent a bye week in Houston … look man, I want this to be something besides Purple Drank but let’s be honest, the answer is Purple Drank. Don’t spend your bye week in Houston. Just don’t do this.
20. Washington Commanders (3-3, No. 13)
I am to understand that fumbling the ball away with 3:10 left when you’re leading and marching into scoring range is, objectively, not great.
21. Carolina Panthers (3-3, No. 22)
I absolutely know that there’s no chance the Panthers are the 21st-best team in the NFL, but I can’t in good conscience move anyone below them to a higher spot.
22. New York Giants (2-4, No. 28)
America’s Sweetheart.
23. Dallas Cowboys (2-3-1, No. 21)
24. Las Vegas Raiders (2-4, No. 31)
25. Baltimore Ravens (1-5, No. 23)
26. Arizona Cardinals (2-4, No. 25)
Pretty good weekend when you think about it. They almost won a game.
27. Tennessee Titans (1-5, No. 24)
I would do some sort of Brian Callahan-adjacent shtick here but let’s be honest, there isn’t anyone on the planet who knows anything about Brian Callahan.
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-4, No. 26)
29. New Orleans Saints (1-5, No. 27)
Super glad we didn’t pick up Taysom Hill when we had the chance because we wanted to stick it out with Mark Andrews.
30. Cleveland Browns (1-5, No. 29)
Any time spent talking about the Browns is too much time talking about the Browns. We should talk about other things. Like … did you know Chick-Fil-A is now selling Chick-Fil-A Sauce flavored Waffle Potato Chips?
31. Miami Dolphins (1-5, No. 30)
The good news for the Dolphins is that no one in Florida was likely watching because they were too busy calling out their teammates for not going to meetings when they literally do the exact same thing.
32. New York Jets (0-6, No. 32)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox